Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

19 and does nothing

20 replies

TooOldForThisShitTooPoorToRetire · 29/06/2025 17:55

My 19yr old son does nothing. In bed til 5, up all night. Room full of bin bags of rubbish. Talks like I’m his enemy. I work 12 hour days in a stressful job, he eats when I cook for him and I am paying his outgoings. Quotes MH issues when challenged which triggers my worry about him. He’s on low meds for his MH and seems able to laugh and joke with his mates, drive where and when he likes. Sent him to his grannies for a break as my MH is on the floor due to this and friends suicide. There he’s….tidy, getting up in the morning, cooking food and respects her home. Saw him last week and he ignored me, constant eye rolls and looked at me like he’d stepped in something nasty. AIBU if I ask for him to stay longer at his granny’s until he can at least be pleasant to me?

OP posts:
Mesoavocado · 29/06/2025 17:56

Stop cooking for him. Stop lending him your car. Stop paying his outgoings.
Hes an adult

MaryGreenhill · 29/06/2025 17:56

Leave him there , change the locks .

Littlefish · 29/06/2025 17:57

Turn off the wifi at night too.

Cadenza12 · 29/06/2025 17:58

For a start cut your financial support. He quite clearly doesn't respect you and while he may have issues that's doesn't preclude supporting himself. You probably need to sort him out before he starts freeloading at Grannys.

BMW6 · 29/06/2025 18:01

He's playing you like a concert pianist.

Tell him he is not allowed back.

Maray1967 · 29/06/2025 18:02

There is no way I would tolerate my DSs behaving like this. He’s taking the proverbial. Get him told, nice and clearly. ‘You seem perfectly capable of behaving yourself here, so you can stay here if you’re allowed or find yourself somewhere else.’

Parents need to stop giving in to this MH blackmail. You’ve said it yourself - he’s fine with his mates and with his DGM. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just a lazy arsed user.

Decades ago a friend of mine sorted his younger brother out when he was behaving similarly and their DM was petrified he would harm himself if she kicked him out. Sorting him out involved some rough stuff, but worked amazingly well. He was just a lazy, objectionable arsehole 19 year old leeching off his DM.

Meadowfinch · 29/06/2025 18:05

I voted YABU only because you shouldn't be taking him back at all. He is clearly capable of better behaviour and is choosing to treat you like dirt.

Tell the lazy little sod to find himself a job while at his gran's. arrange to pay her rent and stay there.

He is an adult. If he can't manage the basic courtesy and respect for you and your home, then he shouldn't be welcome.

Fluffyholeysocks · 29/06/2025 18:07

Before you take him back, inform him of his new charge for rent and the new house rules. You are still treating him as a child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2025 18:10

I’m so sorry about your friend, that’s awful and no wonder you’re in a difficult place.

Use it as the impetus you need to remove his chance to doss on your hard earned money while treating you like crap. I wouldn’t have him back. Cheeky bugger.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/06/2025 18:11

He behaves for his DGM because he knows she won't let him get away with sleeping all day and gaming all night but he sees you as a soft touch who will. Time to stop letting him emotionally blackmail you Op, his MH isn't that fragile

Mycatmyworld · 29/06/2025 18:18

Stop enabling a adult for a start keep giving & he will never stop taking

MyCyanReader · 29/06/2025 18:18
  1. Wifi goes off at 11pm
  2. If he wants car/phone etc... he gets a job to pay for it.
  3. He needs to be out of bed by 10am and if he hasn't got a job then he needs to do some chores.

I'd absolutely insist he stays at grans house, as it clearly helps with his MH issues!

RaininSummer · 29/06/2025 18:25

Definitely stop enabling with Internet and make him get up earlier and do chores. Is he looking for work/claiming UC? Has he sought help for the mental health issue? If it's the classic anxiety and depression which loads of young people seem to have, then getting busier will help. Screens seem to to feed this.

Arlanymor · 29/06/2025 18:29

Why do you pay his outgoings when he is old enough to work? Is he in education? You need to not enable him. If he drives where and when he likes - who pays for his fuel, for his insurance - who bought the car? You need to make it clear that he doesn't get money for nothing. Does he pay you rent? I paid my (single mum) rent from the time I left university and moved back home briefly to the time I got married and moved out - and I cooked, clean and did my fair share of other chores. It's called having a harmonious household and it's everyone's job to make the world go round. Am very sorry to hear about your friend.

ilovesooty · 29/06/2025 18:38

Tell him not to bother coming back. He knows how to behave and he's treating you with a total lack of respect. Why would you want him in your house and pay money to enable him to be an unpleasant parasite?

TooOldForThisShitTooPoorToRetire · 30/06/2025 14:27

Thanks for all your comments and support. He got his car for his 18th and is now claiming UC from granny’s. I just find it hard to take a stand as I have tried to reinforce rules and he told me later that day he tried to hang himself due to me removing his monitor one time in the early hours as I had had enough of the noise at night. If he did try again I couldn’t live with the guilt .

OP posts:
OldEnoughToFancyBobGeldof · 30/06/2025 14:35

Whose car is he driving about in? Stop paying for everything.. If he wants WIFI, phones, nice trainers then he needs to get a job and or get into college/apprenticeship/uni. He also needs to stop talking to you like shit, I’d leave him at his nans but she needs to stop pandering to him .. Acting like making a sandwich and talking in a respectful manner is something to be celebrated won’t help matters.

Createausername1970 · 30/06/2025 15:04

You are in a very difficult situation. My DS is ND and has MH issues which sparks self harm. He is 23 now and has matured, but at 17/18/19 he was tricky and it was wearing trying to get the balance between not enabling but also not wanting to create unnecessary issues.

I think you have a great opportunity now to implement changes, as he has shown he is capable of behaving in more appropriate manner.

I would suggest a conversation with him and DGP along the lines that he seems happier and in a better place mentally at DGPs and you are very happy for him to remain their for the foreseeable. You could even offer to contribute a small amount to his food costs etc. (Your costs will probably have gone down as he is not eating your food, using your electricity or using your fuel). Reiterate that you are happy for DS to return home when he feels ready, but you will not tolerate the previous disrespect or threats of suicide. You might even offer to attend some family counselling with him to work through what is behind the disrespect and the suicide threats (mainly to be seen to be doing the "right" thing, rather than a particular desire to participate, but it might be fruitful).

And also it's time to stress that he needs to start to take responsibility for himself and if he comes back then he will need to continue to claim UC or get a job, as you cannot and will not continue to support him financially, especially with the lack of respect.

My mantra for a few years with DS was that if he wanted to be treated like an adult then he had to behave like one.

We are out of that phase now, he got a job when he was 21 and has been there nearly two years and is a very easy soul to have around the house now and he happily contributes to the household costs. We still have self harm issues and a constant trail of ND chaos, but the rude, obnoxious version has pretty much gone.

Tessasanderson · 30/06/2025 17:07

Start parenting. Its not a popularity contest and what you are doing isnt winning you any thanks from him anyhow.

List your rules, turn the wifi off and stop funding your freeloading son. If he doesnt like it, point towards the door. Warn him that in 4 weeks time you will be charging him £200 per month rent to cover his basic food and associated costs.

Garbera · 30/06/2025 17:15

I think you need a quiet chat with granny, and then a quiet chat with him on whether he would like to stay longer if she is up for it.

He is probably still be on his best behaviour with her, but if that helps him get out of this rut then great.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread