To feel upset at how things are with DH

[ippyielleo]

It’s probably not an uncommon experience, I’m a new mum (baby born in the winter) and finding things difficult in my relationship.

I have had a bit of PPA for a few months and at times it has made me quite snappy and irritable. I’ve reached out for support for this and my first appointment is next week. DH has decided things are too difficult, I’m too anxious and we feel too distant at the moment, and that he’s tolerated me snapping at him for a long time but he can’t see anything changing and that we feel like different people and have been ‘coasting’ for a while. Maybe true but he is always so black and white with these situations. I listened to him, I have apologised and made a big effort to put my anxieties to one side and be really positive this last week, and I’ve been proactive as I am getting help. I have said feeling distant is the case to some extent for all new parents. He seems to be backing away from me at a time I need support the most which I’m finding it hard not to be resentful of because it feels so unfair.

What can I do? It seems he is blaming me entirely for this but when I say that he says he’s not saying it’s anyone’s fault. I feel stuck and confused.

he doesn’t sound supportive but then we only have your take
have you thought about couples therapy?

Couples counselling might help here. With a new baby you’re both going to be exhausted and learning the ropes of your new lifestyle, and living with somebody who snaps at and gets irritated with him regularly on top of that is going to be difficult. You need a space where you can talk without it becoming each of you one-upping the other about how miserable you are, where you can each set out how you feel when X happens, where you can help him to understand particular triggers for you, and where you can try and put in place some strategies around redirecting situations where you’d usually snap or get angry: when it feels like a situation between you is going to turn into a fight, how to try to divert; or when you’re feeling a particular way to be able to communicate that to him at that point, before you reach a “snap” place, and express what you need right now (some space, a hug, for him to take the baby out whilst you chill for a bit etc)