I’m looking for some advice. I met a guy two years ago. Initially I had no interest in him. He’s older than me with kids with different women. Initially I wasn’t attracted to him and he wasn’t what I was looking for. I agreed to go on a date with him because he was very convincing, very charming and he seemed very kind.
There were a few moments in the early stages that stopped me in my tracks. According to him, all his exes seemed to be “crazy” and when I asked for more information the reasons included post-natal depression, and “trapping” him by getting pregnant, which gave me more uneasy feelings. He talked about himself like he was a hero for looking after his children but consistently criticised the kids’ Mums. One he criticised for coming from a disadvantaged background and for being so much younger than him. This alarmed me. His overall lack of compassion and empathy gnawed at my insides. When I tried to address this with him, he snapped at me - saying that I was upsetting him by bringing up painful subjects
I pushed these feelings to the back of my mind even though they resurfaced on occasion
He has a lot of redeeming qualities. He is very smart, at first he seemed very caring and nurturing, he is very fun to be around, he told me everything I wanted to hear in the beginning. He spent numerous conversations convincing me to close off other options and commit to him. He told me we could have a child together. Eventually I agreed.
The intimacy was like nothing I have ever experienced before - completely electrifying. I have a complicated past of SA as a teenager so intimate relationships have been torture for me throughout my life. For most of my adult life, I couldn’t even have a cervical smear. I have attended so much therapy for this. I told this guy about my past because I really wanted it to work. I had a theory before this that my body would only allow me to connect with safe people. We never used protection.
A while into the relationship, there were rumours he had been talking to other women. He initially denied it but later admitted it - he said one of the women was a psycho and he put the blame on me saying I had reacted badly by not trusting him, that he cuts off people who unfairly question his integrity and that I misunderstood the nature of the relationship as he had never closed himself off. This was very frustrating. After this, he also told me he’d had a vasectomy
So this is a long story but here’s the thing. I’m constantly drawn back to him even though he has now told me he doesn’t want to be with me. He sees other women from time to time and never uses protection. I still sleep with him every couple of months but he has become increasingly dismissive of me even though he wants to engage in daily texting.
I heard a quote today that said: “If he doesn’t care about protecting you, he probably doesn’t care about what happens to you”. I have expressed reservations to him about having unprotected sex when he’s sleeping with others, he dismisses my concerns but he will wear protection if I insist.
I know I need to care about me too, it feels really hard to assert myself with him - it feels like there is always the threat that he will cut me off. He’s become someone that I talk to and think about a lot. Maybe I am attached to a good version of him that was never real. I wonder if I had behaved differently, would things have worked out better.
I am someone who used to be happy, confident, free and fun. I feel like I have become a shell
Am I being unreasonable to keep hanging onto the hope that this guy cares about me?