*TW - eating disorder* DH comments about eating

[Angelofmydreamss]

I used to have an eating disorder, was underweight until 2 years ago where I got a health scare and made myself put on weight. It was a hard process and I never want to get back to that place ever again.

I’ve been under some stress recently, at home and work. And I’ve felt the disordered thoughts coming back, as well as body checking. I haven’t weighed myself because it will cause me to spiral, but I am not overweight, but I just feel big. Everything in me is screaming to cut down food but I keep fighting it.

Anyway, my DH has noticed I am talking about feeling ugly a lot and asked me what I was feeling. I told him I feel like I’m slipping back into old habits and he said that i need to eat, I need to be kind to myself etc.

Yesterday we were going out for dinner around 8pm. This was stressful for me, so I didn’t eat in the day. I have 4 ritz crackers before we were getting ready, and DH said “why are you eating?” I tried to ignore him but he said again “why are you eating? We’re about to go for food?”.

I said I hadn’t eaten properly all day, and he said neither have I, but we’re going for food.

I went to the bathroom and cried, and was just a bit absent at the meal.

DH said I ruined the night.

AIBU to have reacted the way I did?

You’re not unreasonable, you’re unwell. Said with all the love in the world ❤️

I feel on the brink of relapsing, but I am not there yet. I keep fighting it everyday, but these comments from DH feel really negative. I don’t understand why he would say that an hour after me telling him I’m struggling

It sounds as though he has absolutely no understanding of the seriousness of your unhealthy relationship with food OP.

It was a crass, insensitive and unnecessary comment to make to you.

I just find it so hard. He asked me yesterday what I was struggling with, and said stuff like you’re slim, you don’t need to think like that etc. then an hour later this comment?

I don’t know how he wants me to react. It makes me feel awful

I think it’s carelessness/lack of understanding on his part. If food isn’t emotive to him, and all you were eating was a couple of small crackers, he wouldn’t think that his comment was in any way related to weight. He was just thinking that he wouldn’t have a snack before going out for dinner, but not because of weight or calories.

He should make more of an effort to think about how comments that he would forget immediately will have a different reaction from you

YANBU, you are unwell. I'm guessing you very much still have an eating disorder, regardless, of your current weight. I suggest seeking professional support, sooner, rather than later. It's great that you've recognised you are at risk of a spiral downwards, so don't waste that awareness, by not seeking help promptly.
DH was a bit thoughtless to make the comment, but in fairness, it's a comment you would make in a normal situation,and the receiver would just say, bugger off, I can eat what I want, then continue to enjoy their meal.
DH, more than most, probably has reason to believe that you wouldn't eat your meal, if you'd eaten crackers before going. Do you think you were subconsciously sabotaging the meal?

Could you sit him down and gently explain why it’s so upsetting for you when he says things like that? It sounds like he’s got a very set idea about food in his head, probably picked up as a child, I’d tell my kids not eat straight before we were going out for food. He needs to understand that your situation is very different and these comments are harmful.

You can take it both ways but in his defense I would think he said it because he thought eating snacks right before going out for a meal might've ruined your appetite as you're struggling again.
He could've not said anything but that's the problem, lack of understanding, I truly believe unless someone's been through it themselves they can not understand the struggles.
For your own sake let it go but do tell him you would appreciate no further insensitive comments, as its hard as it is without his input.Wishing you all the best 🙏

I mean this kindly but I think you are deflecting your anger and upset towards your DH when you need to be seeking help for your own mental health and eating.

I mean this kindly OP but now is a good time to get help, rather than concentrate on your husband asking why you were eating right before you were going out for a meal.

It's a completely normal question to ask, but obviously not one you should ask someone who's struggling with an eating disorder.

But he's not a professional, so I think you need to speak to one before this spirals again.

Did he realise you hadn't eaten all day? As if not it's a pretty normal thing to say..

Maybe he thought you'd use "Oh I had some crackers before we left" to defend not eating when out

It's also fairly normal to say "we're about to go for a meal, don't eat something now"

It was just a bit of lack of thinking how it might affect you

Maybe he doesn't know how you want him to react?

Was your DH around when you were struggling with your eating disorder 2 years ago? I ask because people just don’t understand eating disorders - unless they have had one themselves or cared for someone with one. When my DD was really ill with anorexia in her teens people could be very insensitive without meaning to be - based on ignorance and just lack of understanding of the illness. Your DH may be insensitive or clueless or even scared that you are relapsing - it’s not really clear from your post how much he knows/understands about your ED.

Please continue talk to him about what is happening in your head and also make sure you seek the help you need to avoid falling back into the grip of your ED - and make sure your DH knows how best to support you.

Did you then eat a normal portion of food?
My friend has spiraled down to 5.5 stone at 5 for 4 inches. She also eats crackers, she's stopped eating proper meals during the day. If it was said to point out that what you were doing wasn't usual, I sort of get it, if you then didn't eat normally while out. We (friends and family) try to put forward drinks of soup, rather than the crackers, a few spring rolls, egg mayonnaise on one slice of milk roll.
You've got to have honest conversations, now, before you drop further down.
It's really, really difficult to deal with a under-eating disorder. It's even worse watching someone starve to death.

No one is unreasonable in this situation and its not helpful to break it down in black and white like that

You're struggling with your MH and your eating patterns and thats something that needs addressing
He cant be expected to say or do the right thing every single time and probably thought, as I would, that the dinner wont be as nice for you or you wont eat the dinner if you're eating right before going out

I would say to my OH 'why are you eating now' if he was eating snacks right before we go out and no he doesnt have an eating disorder but sometimes you say things according to your need, not the other persons all the time.

Its very difficult living with someone with MH issues.

You need to understand that he isn’t in your head, he doesn’t understand your thought processes. If I was going for dinner with someone and saw them eating crackers before we left, I’d question it too. As another poster said, I think you’re projecting onto him. You need to get help as this ED as no matter how much you explain it to someone, they won’t understand what you’re feeling and will occasionally say the wrong thing in your eyes.

OP, please make an appointment tomorrow morning to see a doctor about your ED. It's much easier to deal with these things with professional support and counselling.

I am getting help, I have weekly weigh ins with the eating disorder team and therapy. I also am very aware that the thoughts are coming back and am trying to fight against them. I’m not in denial, and I’m determined to not let it spiral.

My DH and I hadn’t eaten all day because we’d been out and about and hadn’t had a chance to grab anything. We did have a banana and I was having some crackers 2 hours before we’d eat.

I did eat the whole meal, including a starter and I was proud of that. I also had cheese and crackers after.

It is hard to live with someone with mental health issues, and maybe I am being too harsh on him.

Maybe it’s a combination of different comments that have built up, I don’t know.

Best to focus on therapy and eating properly rather than this comment letting me get distracted.

thanks everyone

I think many of us with MH issues have to also accept that while we might be better at times, its a lifelong affliction and you'll always have it to some degree, so its better to have strategies to manage it rather than hoping 'treatment' will fix it and it goes away completely, that isnt my personal or professional experience.

I see it a lot on here that someone just needs therapy or something as if they will get 'fixed'.

So it will be part and parcel of your life and your strategies and methods and feelings and ability to cope will change day to day, year to year and he wont know whats in your head at any one time. If you sit him down and say 'I need this', its likely to change at some point so you have to find a way to navigate through that for yourself.

Yes I agree with this. Your DH can't read your mind and presumably isn't an expert in ED. he was clumsy but this isn't really about him, is it?

Honestly not being silly watch Heartstopper together. It deals with EDs so well. Wish Iit had been around when I was supporting my daughter through this.

Understanding an eating disorder is near on impossible for those who don't have one, unless you are an expert.
Of course his comment sounds clumsy but I doubt he is trying to be. Supporting someone with this type of illness is horrendous. Of course, as is having it.
You need to have therapy together to help raise his awareness.

I think he was worried that you were eating crackers in order to kill your hunger so you wouldn't then eat dinner.

My DD has an ED and is currently very unwell with it. If I ever caught someone saying "why are you eating" to her, I'd probably punch them. (Joking... maybe...). I'd certainly have a massive go at them at least.

Has he ever attended any education or support programs for ED? He probably should.