Am I being a snappy shouty mum or is this just life

[liltshake]

My DS (3) I am finding such hard work at the moment and it’s making me so guilty. He was hard work as a baby but from 2-3 I feel like I really loved being a mum.
Recently he is just unbelievably hard. Half the time he won’t go to sleep until 10pm, throws things at me, won’t listen to anything. Climbs all over me all day, I’ve got bruises on my legs from him jumping on me. During Summer my partner works extremely long hours so I find it such hard work as I’m on my own. My mum spends a lot of time with him, and thinks he has ADHD and it shouldn’t be this hard - but I’m not sure if I agree, I really hate to admit he’s hard work but it is actually so bloody hard. Sometimes I honestly feel like a shell of a person from the exhaustion, I find myself snapping and even shouting and I really don’t want to, it’s just so hard. Are all 3 year olds like this? His dad was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid so it is likely he has it too. Can anyone relate?

How's his sleep once he is asleep? My ds was like this at 3 and it turns out he had sleep apnea (I had no idea!) we had adenoids out for other reasons and his sleep and behaviour improved almost overnight.

The youngest of my twin girls (now 7) was like this. Absolutely insane energy, constantly on the go, very, VERY hard work.
Mum friends used to say they'd never known a girl like her: she was like a squirrel on amphetamines.
I've got combined ADHD (and Autism), so picked up on her having it from a very young age. Because her presentation was so extreme (and more like the stereotypical presentation of a male child with ADHD), I got support in place when she was at Preschool.
Those early years nigh on broke me, though!

@Optimustime wow I’m so glad you’ve said that! He has grommets age 2 and I’ve been really worried about sleep apnea, but audiology said it would be really difficult to get a referral to ENT, and I need to try my doctor again…. (Last time doctor brushed me off) but I’m definitely going to try again now. He snores really loudly and every time I’ve taken him to a GP they mention he has huge tonsils. I didn’t know behaviour could be linked, but makes sense. Thanks so much! What were the symptoms that caused him to have his adenoids out?

@SilviaSnuffleBum squirrel on amphetamines sounds so much like my son!!! So nice to hear people understand. It’s so difficult. I feel I’m spending half my life snapping at him, makes me feel absolutely awful

Push to have the tonsils removed. It's not normal to have huge tonsils blocking your airways. Lack of quality sleep makes kids behaviour terrible.

Once he does go to sleep he still very rarely sleeps through, wakes up 1-3 times and it’s absolutely exhausting. He usually goes back to sleep quite quickly, but wants to get into our bed, and we usually give in due to exhaustion…

DC1 was very very hard work as a baby (cried constantly, didn’t sleep unless I was practically running with him outside in the sling, hated being held but hated being put down, needed constant stimulation). He was late with gross and fine motor milestones but spoke fluently and very early. He ‘settled down’ a fair amount at 18 months. He was still hard work and very emotional, but actually quite sunny and well liked at nursery as he was ‘a character’. He then turned into an extremely defiant, stroppy, angry, high energy 3 year old which lasted for a long time. He’s always been very low sleep needs. He’s settling now a bit at 5.5 but still very hard work.

He was diagnosed as autistic at 4. He will be assessed for ADHD at 6 and I actually think that’s his main issue. Well, the interplay between ASD and ADHD probably.

The only things I’d ask with the 10pm bedtime is, what time does he wake up in the morning and does he still nap?

@VivaVivaa thank you. I’m wondering if I should visit the health visitor to suggest autism/ADHD but people keep telling me ‘it’s just how boys are’. I don’t know if it is as I have no experience.
if he goes to bed at 10 he will still wake up by 6. He will say he’s tired in the morning but won’t go back to sleep. He will occasionally nap during the day but tbh I’m reluctant to let him nap as I’m terrified of how late I’ll have to stay up! But in general he won’t nap, doesn’t nap at nursery even tho he could if he wanted

Sometimes he is even awake by 4.45, and there’s basically no chance of me getting him back to sleep

Mine was the same. He's 11 now, diagnosed autistic and will be reassessed for adhd if the wheels fall off at high school. In going through this discovered I am AuDHD too so I expect him to have adhd diqgnosed at some point. He was an absolute nightmare as a baby and toddler. I used to think i was a useless parent, had no control over him whatsoever, huge meltdowns door slamming emotions, then switched to loving multiple times a day. Has his difficulties now but much easier to manage at home.

Thanks @feejee your message made me a bit tearful, I really do feel like a useless parent, never thought I’d be shouting and snapping but I’m just finding things so hard at the moment, feel like I have absolutely no control. I’m actually glad to know it may be autism/adhd or something which I’d already suspected.

My boy would try to escape from every toddler group we'd go to. I don't think I had a hot cup of tea till he was about 6, as i was always running to the door. Even now he won't sit to watch tv, he'll be rolling round on the floor or upside down. (He is an only child for a reason!).

@feejee Ha! Mine was the same with toddler groups. I would always be looking around thinking why are they all sitting still? Mine is also an only child, and probably always will be, bless him.

We were always told the terrible twos was a myth and it was in fact terrible threes! I remember at 4 saying’my god when’s he going to stop being so hyper!’ (Answer: age 6!!)

He had glue ear which was causing hearing loss and X ray showed it was the adenoids blocking all the tubing so he also had grommets and the adenoids out. Behaviour improved a lot possibly through hearing more but I think going from waking every hour (we hadn't realised how bad it had got in hindsight) to sleeping through 2 weeks after the op made a huge difference. He also grew!

@stayathomer yes I can relate to that! Suddenly at 2 I had quite an easy kid for a year, then at 3 that all went back out the window!

Can I ask what behaviours people think are neuro divergence vs high energy at this age please? Sorry to thread hi-jack, but I also have a 3 year old who raises the same questions for me.

They're bright & brilliant & so so loving - and very hard work! Amazing focus on things they're interested in, hit milestones ridiculously early, so clever and kind to their little sibling. But also needs a LOT of help with regulation, doesn't listen well, has so much energy, any bit of sugar or screentime spirals them into chaos, and they find it so hard to fall asleep (though we have a very rigid routine that helps).

Having my youngest really threw this in to contrast, as they're what I imagine the stereotypical easy baby experience is like. For my eldest I've been googling divergence symptoms since they were 3 months old. 🙈 I still can't tell what's personality vs. ND?

I'm going through this with my two year old, only thing that works is connnection and playing with him, no phone or distractions and wait till he gets 'busy dojng' something before I start doing chores or phone admin