I’ve posted before about my BIL and his behaviour towards my best friend recently and people on here were v supportive.
For context, a couple months ago, he inserted himself into a situation that had nothing to do with him — my best friend was facing eviction after only 6 months from a property owned by his sister - through no fault of their own but because the landlord had moved in with her boyfriend and then split quickly.
Instead of keeping out of it, he got heavily involved. He became aggressive with my best friend, escalated things unnecessarily, and behaved in a really nasty and way to my friend and his partner. There were also homophobic comments involved. It was extremely upsetting and I felt like it made everything personal rather than a landlord / tenant issue.
My friend and his partner were very upset about his behaviour. I raised it with my mum and she told me to stop making an issue out of it. She completely minimised everything, like she always does when I try to express discomfort or hurt.
I feel like my feelings have never really been taken seriously in my family — and when I do speak up, I’m painted as the one making trouble. I’ve always felt “othered” somehow, like I don’t fit or the one who has to carry everyone else’s emotional discomfort.
Last week, my BIL posted a photo in the family WhatsApp group. I meant to forward it to my friend who'd been evicted with a bit of a pithy comment, but I accidentally replied in the group. I deleted it instantly, but clearly some saw it.
I hadn’t heard from my mum in over a week — no reply to my messages — and today she messaged me out of the blue with a really horrible text, calling me cruel and horrible. She’s on holiday now and dropped that in like a final word.
I know I was a bit mean and I feel bad, but it was meant as a bit of a private joke.
I think what really hurts is she never says a word about other behaviour but she has no problem calling me out and making it all about how I’m the cruel one.
She said in her message to me that she knows I think I get treated differently from my sisters — but I’m “wrong” and “deluded.” Which, to me, kind of proves my point. Just more gaslighting and rewriting of the dynamics I’ve lived with my whole life.
I’m in my 30s now, but I still feel like a child when this stuff happens. I hope I’m not being unreasonable — I know I’m allowed to have boundaries and opinions — but I’m left feeling totally unseen.
Has anyone else grown up in this kind of family dynamic, where your emotions are dismissed and you end up being labelled “difficult” for expressing needs / feelings etc?