I’m really unhappy please help me

[Hrlpme]

I’m so unhappy with my life right now. I just feel it’s constant battle keeping house clean, dealing with the kids, cooking etc. I’m really depressed and have been snappy with my kids. I hate my husband too. He leaves his dirty underwear on the floor, changes his clothes and leaves on the floor. He has never cleaned or cooked anything in his life. Everything is down to me. He’s fucked off to his mums now when my dd’s birthday party is tomorrow. We only have one car so I can’t go and get the cake etc.
I just really hate my life, I can’t leave as I have nowhere to go so please don’t suggest the obvious and detail my thread as I need help for the present not the future plans. Right now how can I deal with everything? I’m fed up. My kids are 10 and 6

So your kids help with a little tidying? 10 year old can help with a couple of chores for a bit of pocket money or some sort of treat.
working? What is that arrangement?
Do you do anything for yourself? Hobby…anything along those lines.
ask hubby to start clearing up and let him know how things are affecting you. See how he reason ds - don’t speak to him because you have snapped then an argument. Speak to him when you are calm, kids gone to bed etc.

@Gonk123 the kids don’t help at the moment but yes you’re right they should be. DH doesn’t care, I was at breaking point last night and broke down crying and he just couldn’t be bothered to have any discussion with me. He’s from a culture where the man is not supposed to do anything and it’s seen as the woman’s job, his mum and dad are the sane but difference is his dad does the “man’s” jobs too like mowing the lawn, diy etc. whereas I do everything, if I didn’t mow the lawn the kids wouldn’t be able to play outside do I do it - his excuse is he’s got hay fever. I work too do right now I’m just burnt out. I have no hobbies as I’m knackered. I just feel so fat and ugly too so I don’t meet up with friends or go out

Ok, unmumnsnetty hug for you. He's a twat and in an ideal world you would leave. I won't harp on but I do suggest that as you work, you start putting a little aside in an escape fund so that you are not still here in a year's time.
G
In the meantime....his clothes, kick into a pile on his side of the bed. When he asks why he's no clean pants just point him at the laundry basket. Just because he thinks you should do it doesn't mean you have to. Keep things at a standard YOU find acceptable and anything else, down to him.

Get your kids a laundry basket each and make it part of bedtime to make sure everything is in it. Do star charts for them or 10p in a jar or something.

In terms of your own headspace, I'm not surprised you aren't looking after yourself with everything else depending on you but your kids are old enough that you can shower and dress in decent clothes each day..don't slob around in trakkies or leggings. Hair up in a clip or ponytail and a tinted moisturizer. You don't need a full on beauty routine to look and feel better.

Have an off switch. A time at night that you stop. 9/10pm whatever. At that point you put on the TV, have a bath, open your book whatever and have 45-60 mins doing what you want, for YOU. And when your H is home, go out. Meet a friend or browse or sit in a park but go away. And don't ask him., just tell him you're doing it and go. The biggest pep up you can have is feeling like you are in control of your own life and the reverse is also true. You have to take back control on a small level until the bigger level of leaving is possible. You CAN do this.

WOMAN'S WORK????
It's a truism that a man treats a woman how she allows herself to be treated. Your husband is behaving like a third child. It's immaterial what culture he comes from or what his parents' set up is. We're in 2025 and his behaviour is unhygienic, disrespectful, and misogynistic. If my husband were to do that to me, he would quickly become my ex-husband. Calmly inform him that in future his dirty clothes will only be washed if they are put in the laundry basket. Stop picking up after him or, if you must, put them in a pile at his side of the bed. DO NOT wash them if they are left on the floor. Better still, show him how the washing machine works and tell him to wash his own clothes because you are far too busy cleaning, cooking, mowing the lawn etc etc.

The kids are old enough to take some responsibility for themselves. Create a fun rota with tasks for them to do around the house in return for small rewards. This will be good training for when they fly the nest and have to look after themselves.

Book in some time with your friends. It's essential for your mental health. And please stop putting your needs and wishes after everyonelse's.

Start putting yourself first a bit more.
also, if DH has hayfever, tell him you’ll do the gardening as a swap for something he can do.
stop doing his washing, make him do it himself. He’ll only go so long with dirty clothes to wear.
join a choir, meet new people, book club, gym, swimming, Pilates, loads of things you can do, even just going for a walk by yourself while listening to some music. You’ll get there but you need to improve your self worth and confidence a little to start with.
want have you done today for yourself and what will you do tomorrow?