How do I discipline my child?

[PanicStations2025]

I’m really struggling with my 10 year old DS at the moment. He’s surly, rude, constantly answers back, moans and completely disrespectful. He’s none of this at school, it’s all towards me, and it feels like it’s all the time at the moment. If this had been me 30 years ago, I’d have gotten a swift smack on the arse and would have sorted my shit out. The problem is, I don’t want to do that. So how do I discipline him? He doesn’t care about tv or iPad, doesn’t game, has a tv in his room that connects to his switch but I don’t think he’s turned it on since the day he got it. He’s ASD so his main likes are to be outside walking, riding a bike and digging in the garden. As awful as it sounds, I don’t want to take those away as they’re the only break I get. I honestly just feel like a punching bag at the moment, if it was a relationship I’d have ended it years ago. But I can’t do that with my child. He used to be so lovely and kind and affectionate and sometimes that comes through for a small amount of time, but then it’s back to the grumpy rudeness.

is it just his age, am I not doing enough ‘tough parenting’? To be clear, I do discipline, he has removal of treats, no friends over or even time outs and I always talk to him afterwards so he understands why he’s in trouble. But it just doesn’t change anything? Is this just a part of autism that we are gaining as he gets older? What do I do?

What are you arguing about? Like what is it that he answers back for? And what do you currently do when he is rude to you?

You can't discipline feelings out of a child. Something bothering him and he's taking it out on the person he feels safest with. I would focus shift your focus.

@ToKittyornottoKitty literally everything. For example, this morning I asked what he wanted for breakfast, made it for him, and then he kicked off because he didn’t want the strawberries cut up and refused to eat any of it. I cut the strawberries every day, he has no issues (generally speaking) with food, it was just him being rude. Shouting that I’d made it wrong, he wouldn’t eat it like this, calling me stupid for getting it wrong etc. I pointed out that I always cut them, he just threw the plate and stormed out. Then shouted and grunted every time I tried to speak to him until we had to leave to go out.

@3teens2cats im not trying to control his feeling, im trying to curtail the way he expresses them towards me?

Don't make his breakfast tomorrow. He's 10 and can do it himself. Explain why you aren't doing it.

Was he made to clean up the mess after he threw the plate? Time to make his own breakfast from now on.

I'd have gotten a swift smack on the arse too and that's what all mine would get. Sometimes there's just no substitute. Apparently my nan (mother of 5 boys) used to have a slipper she called the Attitude Adjuster.😂

Sounds like something is bothering him?

I agree with your choices of how not to punish him OP but also with the reply that says stop making him breakfast. From now on he makes his own breakfast. Direct, calm consequence that makes sense. Walk away from any rudeness and if he stays in the huff all day, enjoy the peace.

My child has asd but is older. I found traditional parenting strategies don't work. The most effective strategy I have found is finding or creating a regular thing they love and are motivated by and working towards it. I do a reward at the weekend if we've had a good week. Regular reminders throughout the week that we are working towards something positive. Poor behaviour- warning that reward will be lost and clear direction on how to quickly make a better choice. Eg 'if that behaviour does not stop immediately you will lose Saturday's reward. These are your choices - path 1, continue behaviour = lose reward; path 2 immediately stop and find something more positive (give suggestion) = continue working towards reward. If they continue poor behaviour, they lose reward and I use the saying 'that ship has now sailed' so they have a visual understanding it's gone.

Once they've lost the reward, they don't get it back. However, I have found the following helpful: 1) find something else immediately they can start working towards (or you'll have no leverage) and 2) validate the feelings and tell (or better, show!) them how to earn it next week.

Also:

Always praise/criticise behaviour, not them personally.

Praise good choices, even if they're tiny.

Try to give them agency in a safe, controlled way. Ie 'you can choose to throw the plate and lose your reward and spend the evening clearing it up, or you can choose to behave respectfully and we can get some doritoes and watch tv together, your choice'

And always natural consequences.

First of all .. l think you need more educating on ASD children.
What he's doing is all normal for a 10 year old with ASD.. belive me l know.. 4 Grandsons in different ages ranges.
I uses to work in a SEN school. Please get some more information.

Also my son with ASD has absolutely zero understanding of back-chatting, despite me nagging for years. He actually gets very upset when I tell him off for it and doesn't understand how to change.

I find this helps: 'love, I know this is a tough conversation, but I would like for both of us to really make the effort to speak respectfully to each other, even though we are cross/frustrated etc

@ItsFridayIminLoveJS ive done multiple courses both with and without my child to better understand him, I’m booked on NVR training during summer and we’ve done multiple rounds of sensory integration training. I’ve read lots of books and lots of online journals, but if you have any suggestions please let me lnow

Thanks everyone, the plate did in fact stay there until lunchtime when he collected it and the mess and put it away. I do try to do natural consequences when possible

@Peanutlicious thank you, that’s really helpful advice. I try to do the removal of treats and activities but usually leave the option of him earning them back, maybe a once they’re gone they’re gone technique might be more effective

The consequences you've described aren't natural consequences.

It's very difficult to advise because we don't know the extent to which asd impacts his ability to see things from your point of view or how he copes with disappointment etc. It's going to be very individual and we might suggest things which will make him worse.

I sympathise. Is he able to explain what made him cross with you? Is he able to talk about how he feels?

Hahaha aaaah children, the only people it's apparently still not just acceptable but funny to assault

What is your understanding of ASD and how it impacts him? It sounds like he's dysregulated, emotionally worked up basically, and needs to regulate. I remember reading an asd kid will try to show you how they feel by making you feel the same way. So he's angry and belittling towards you? Is school making him feel that way? Does he feel he lacks control? What's his routine like? Does it have enough structure? I wouldn't take away what sound like regulating activities either but surely in 10 years of parenting a child with ASD you've learnt something beyond 'euch why can't I just smack him'

If you've read and studied and been on courses you should know more than us really. How did you feel about the advice on the course?

Have you tried small positive rewards? Good behaviour gets marbles in the jar. Bad behaviour gets them taken out. If there are 10 marbles in the jar at the end of the week, there is a treat - chocolate or to time or whatever.

it has to be pretty easy to earn marbles and it becomes and immediate reward.

I did find that when my son knew he could get lost rewards back he didn't care and his behaviour was awful, but also he was unsettled, it was like the boundary wasn't secure enough. Once he knew they were actually gone it gave him the motivation to try and think ahead about how his behaviour can create his reality. He did and still does need a lot of help with this concept.

One other thing I found was that my son really needs boundaries. I don't just mean in terms of his behaviour, but in terms of his happiness and sense of safety in the world. He needs structure and routine and a few rules that are non-negotiable. It's also worth really explaining the reasons why these rules are needed.

Also I was told by CAMHs to try to explain things visually where possible.

So rules are written as a clear list
Pocket Money is recorded
Routine on the fridge
Meal plan up, etc etc.

Just so there are visual reminders of their routine.

And not discipline -related, but generally, making sure they're not pushed completely out of their comfort zones. A little nudging and encouragement is good, such as a couple of hours socialising with an aged Aunty and behaving nicely - yes, with some encouragement; six-hours at the hot summer fete that's busy, loud and over-stimulating is setting him up to fail, so I ensure I don't put him in that situation.

And loads of downtime afterwards, cool, dark, quiet room. We tend generally to avoid full days out, maybe 9.30 - 11.30, chill at home then 2.30 - 4.30, then chill, bed. Or 10.30 - 2.30 as a block then downtime. Helps with emotional regulation.