To not let my mum take DC out?

[ThrillerInManilla]

I don't think i am but I suppose the point of me posting is for some advice moving forward, a rant or just some validation. Or a reality check should that be the case.

For context: I am a lone parent with very little support. No friends, no ex involvement and very minimal family around, particularly those who are positive. I have been a variety of low to no contact with my mum since I was about 16 year old due to abuse and neglect. I spent a significant amount of time in foster care growing up due to this. Over the years I have attempted to build a relationship with her but it has always resulted in further abuse, additional trauma and at times me being physically assaulted. I have had a lot of therapy for this and am now in a really good place in my life. My DGM passed away in March and due to my DGD needing more support I and my DC have had some level of contact with her and my youngest brother (who, as horrible as it is to say, is also awful). This contact is minimal and somewhat civil.

The issue: Over the past few weeks my mum has consistently tried to isolate me from my DC. She's made backhanded comments, undermines my parenting boundaries and openly makes plans to take my DC out for the day alone. The past few times I have ignored, left or just made us unavailable. Today she has messaged me saying she is on her way to collect my 9mo DD, no warning, no previous agreement, nothing and I've had to stay out shopping longer just so I'm not in when she turns up. To some this might not be a big deal but I just feel really uncomfortable with this and her trying to "bond" with my children. She isn't a nice person or someone i trust to be a healthy role model. I also feel this is a way for her to continue some form of control over me.

I can't really carry on like this though, hiding away or putting up with this. I don't want my DC growing up thinking I'm openly preventing them from a "fun time" with their grandma and uncle, so i need to try and nip this in the bud soon really.

WWYD in my situation? AIBU here? I just don't know if i am clouded by my own horrible experiences with them.

Oops sorry for it being long, I didn't want to drip feed anything.

Given your mother’s past record it would be irresponsible of you to let your mother take your child out. I think you really need to be blunt with your mother or tell her your child has to be a lot older before she can take her out on her own (about 15 but you don’t have to tell her that!)

Do you really need to see your mother at all?

I don't need to but I have to for the time being if I want to maintain a relationship and offer support to my DGD.

Just reply to her saying that you're not sending your 9mo anywhere thanks.

How old are your other DC?

I cannot see what your mother adds to your life, so, if I were in your situation I would have very little contact with her.
I certainly wouldn't be letting her take my dc out - obviously, given her history.

I am unclear why you can't maintain a relationship with your dgd without having to spend time with her, but, if that was something that ended up having to be sacrificed, then I would do so in order to protect my child.

I would not be letting your dm back into your life. That would be madness.
It is obviously hard being on your own but better than hiding from her and not being able to relax in your own home, surely ?

Can you see or support your grandad without involving her? You don’t owe her any sort of ‘good will or kindness’ here, she was an above and neglectful mother so you won’t be allowing her any unsupervised contact and any unwanted behaviour will result in less contact or even none.

please try and build a network of your own. Is there a reason you have no friends? A baby can be a great way to meet new friends so try and work this. Your HV can advise on groups etc. if you’ve had a terrible upbringing then some parenting support could be really useful and provide a way of meeting people. There are so many baby groups, some will click, some not.

Sorry i should have added... the situation currently with my DGD is that he is in the stages of his health declining. My grandmother died unexpectedly and generally ran the household with me helping where I could. My mum has recently been evicted and is currently in a hostel, she is using my DGD's situation to aide in her needing/getting more support as she is apparently his carer although she doesnt really do anything. She is typically at his home every day between 9am and 7pm, unless she has my Brother as my grandad doesnt really like him in the house.
If i didn't go round his bills would be unpaid, his house would be filthy and he would have no food or anyone to talk to as she just sits on her phone moaning or doing her own washing. He can look after himself and I have taught him things but some days he physically can't manage without help. He also has a great relationship with my DC.

My mum is only in my life due to the above reasons... before my grandma died it was very rare anyone would see her unless she wanted something so it was much easier to maintain my NC. I don't have a relationship with her, she is just there if that makes sense. But now is trying to create relationships with my DC alone (she has made it clear that she wants any time spent with them to be without me).

My other DC is 4.

Cut her off. You owe her nothing, she's not a safe person

I would definitely not have your mum taking any of the DC, she sounds very unstable and you have done very well so far in minimising contact.

I don't understand the bit about she's coming round to take out your 9 mth old? Does this mean you have a partner who is looking after the child while you are out shopping? And what about your other child who is 4?

Honestly if your grandfather is declining then I wouldn't think about it too much

Your DC's exposure to her can be very limited - don't allow them to wander the house. They stay with you and your grandad.

If your DC asks about any days out she suggests say "I'm not sure about that right now... oh wow look at that on the tv/there's your book/whats DGD doing pulling faces"

If it was a long term thing you'd have to think of something more, but short term can be muddled.

If she tries to take your baby you say no and if she tries to take her tell her you'll call the police. And mean it.

I understand your desire to help with your DGD but your priority is foremost to the protection and well-being of your children.

You have already made it clear that your mother is toxic and abusive, and the mere fact that she is demanding to spend time with your children without you present is an enormous red flag.

A toxic mother is a toxic grandmother, period.

I speak as someone who did cave to the demands of my narc and abusive mother and allowed her to get her hands on my child....and the damage is still there years after I cut her off. It is my biggest life regret that I allowed someone who abused to and mistreated me to then have any relationship or influence on my child. She spent years trying to manipulate my child into liking her more than me, breaking every boundary or parenting rule we established, more than once putting my child in physical danger because she refused to abide by our rules, and filling my child's head with her constant negativity. The greatest thing I have ever done was remove my mother from my child's life.

You cannot and should not give in to her demands. These are your children. You call the shots. Your mother doesn't get to control you any more.

If it costs you time with your DGD, then sadly, so it must. Your children come first!

I am in the process of forming connections of my own through groups, nursery and work which will hopefully lead to longer friendships.

Due to my past "issues", I have really struggled with being able to trust people and form meaningful bonds. I went from abuse to unhealthy dynamics and back again and for many years i believed that I was born just to be something people could hurt. A lot of therapy and self work has been done to get me into a position to find my network of people and not be judged or dismissed for what I've come from.

It's really difficult when you have abusive family members. You never know what to make of people.

The fact you're aware of your mother's toxicity and you're looking to protect your DC from her shows you've come a long way!

Trust your instinct and keep protecting your DC

I think you need to report this all to adult social services and flag a safeguarding concern about your DGD due to your mum and her abuse and she’s clearly using him and his house and situation and is like a leach waiting for him to die and then will take over his house whether she’s in his will
or not!! She needs telling that she’s not welcome and officially put back in her box!

No there's no partner or anything. She didn't know i was already out shopping, both DC were with me. I can only assume she thought i was home and could just turn up and take DD out. The text was quite random as there was no previous warning or any mention of her having any plans to come and take out any of the DC, never mind just one of them. The message just said "we are coming to pick X up in 20 minutes", nothing else. She doesn't really bother with the 4yo when we are around her though which is probably why he wasn't mentioned.

I second involving adult SS to get your dgd some support. I’m sorry you have such a toxic mother. You are choosing to put your children’s well being first something it sounds like your dm didn’t do. Good for you, stand firm & seek support. Maybe a local carers group or something may have advice or offer support.

she has made it clear that she wants any time spent with them to be without me

That’s absolutely not her decision to make. You have to assert yourself as their parent and make it clear to your mother that she won’t be having unsupervised access to your children under any circumstances. Why did you feel you had stay out longer in. order to avoid her rather than just telling her no?

Who is the "we" op?

Must be upsetting and quite unnerving for you but you should stick to what you have been doing and absolutely not have her having anything to do with your kids. I would just pretend I didn't see the message and ignore.

Absolutely not. I have no relationship with my mum because of abuse. If she is unhealthy for me to be around, why would I inflict that on my children? It’s my job as a parent to protect them. Their wellbeing comes before everything else.

Children don’t need grandparents. They are a lovely bonus if they are fantastic and wonderful. But your dc will not be missing out by you protecting them from experiencing the abuse and manipulation you experienced.

The way I see it is that this bs stops with me. I needed a parent to step in and protect me as a child and no one did. But my children got me. They don’t have to go through what I went through because I’m brave enough to put an end to it. They have a whole different chance at life than I had.

@Terrribletwos the "we" she was referring to is her and my youngest brother, atleast I assume it was.

@manicpixieschemegirl I guess i am still very cautious about any confrontation with my mum as I know from past experience how quickly and severely that can escalate. But I do know I need to face this vocally at some point and give a firm response one and for all. cowering away and avoiding being able to say "no i dont want you around my children" isn't helping nor setting a good example for DC. I hate to say it but the minute my grandad passes i can relocate and finally be completely free from her and this negativity.

How will it escalate though if you just say no? It sounds like you're scared of her.

I know you are thinking it will be ok once your grandad passes and you can move but there's a lot of damage that can be done to you in the meantime.