To feel so constantly irritated by my mum?

[purpledaze24]

I know that the answer to this is yes! It’s completely unreasonable, I just want to figure out how/if I can stop feeling like this. My mum’s in her early 70s, she’s still fairly fit and active. She doesn’t do anything ‘wrong’ bless her, and I feel like a truly horrible person for feeling the way I do about her. But I don’t feel like I can help it. She just irritates me to the point I can barely stand to be around her. She has some annoying habits but nothing that major. I do also have a bit of resentment for things she did when I was a child (temporarily leaving my siblings and I for another man, then forcing me to live with them and always taking his side when he would criticise me etc, a few very aggressive physical outbursts when I was very small). I have forgiven her for these things though and feel that it’s in the past. Why do I feel like this? When I spend time with her I’m constantly pretending to feel normal, gritting my teeth, I never enjoy even a second of her company and feel constantly irritated and angry, no matter what she does, for no apparent reason. What is wrong with me? Is there any way I can stop feeling like this? The last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings

Do you feel your mum does not love you?

I think you possibly have more resentment/suppressed than you realise, as this can manifest in irritation towards a person (even over the slightest thing).

Have the same! My mum was never maternal. Following with interest.

The things that you have forgiven her for were pretty awful. She left her own children for another man (it is pretty unusual for a mum to do this) and then forcing you to live with a man who wasn't nice to you and always taking his side? I would have found those things impossible to forgive and I believe that, deep down, you know the way she behaved was awful, and she really ruined your childhood.

The resentment is coming out now that you have more power and you don't need her.

She didn't mind hurting your feelings (and worse) when you were a child. Stop feeling so guilty about how you feel about her. She did this, not you.

It sounds like you haven't fully forgiven her for the way she treated you as a child - which is reasonable, she behaved very badly. Making you live with her partner who was very critical of you, not defending you etc is awful, and it's understandable that you resent her.

I resented my mother for how she treated me as a child, and because of that, while I saw her often, we weren't emotionally close.

When you resent a person, they can be much more irritating then somone you are neutral about.

Mayby family therapy would help, or else you can accept that you don't want a very close relationship with your mum. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I have the same with my mum. As others have said, I'm pretty sure it's because of resentment / anger about how she treated me in childhood.

There’s a phenomenon known as ‘bitch eating crackers’ where because someone has done something big that pissed you off (or in your case hurt you) a lot (like how your mum treated you as a child) then whatever they do annoys you no matter how innocuous.

Try reading up on “ego state work” and recognize that you are going back to a child ego state (angry, resentful, hurt, annoyed, trapped) when you see her ir when she triggers those memories. She really hurt and abandoned you at a very formative time! Even if your adult self forgave her your child self is lagging behind. That’s ok! Its nit terminal. Try to bring your compassionate older adult self online and comfort your child self—give her what your mother did not. It might help you manage the relationship without blowingbit up.

I recommend, as well, Tich Nhat Hanh’s book “Reconciliations” which deals with this pain of unhealed anger from difficult childhood experiences.

Holding on to resentment and anger only hurts you in the long run. It’s incredibly pointless. Get some therapy to help you process and let go of it.

Apologies for typos !

Your mum failed you, big time. You may put yourself in a position where you feel it’s ‘right’ to forgive her, but maybe you haven’t, and maybe it’s perfectly natural to still feel the anger about her failure towards you.

I’ve never admitted any of that out loud before. I understand what you’re feeling op.

Your DM didnt protect you when you were so young and vulnerable, but bear in mind that being constantly irritated with your DM will only make you feel crap about yourself in the long run. Your DM is getting on in years now and no doubt picks up on how irritated you feel about her. Do yourself a favour as PP’s have already said and get some therapy for this.

You can forgive but you can't forget. I'd also wonder if you have really forgiven her, but you thought you did because you felt it was the right and adult thing to do.

There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. You've put her behaviour in the past and blocked it off. Now something in you has brought it out again. Take a step back and away from her. Give yourself time to reflect on how you really feel now about your childhood. Think about what sort of a relationship you want with her, not what you think you ought to have. And above all don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You were treated very badly and there may well be residual trauma that you need to work through. Do whatever it takes to give you a peaceful and happy life.

Maybe she should tell her mum how she feels about what happened during her childhood. OP has forgiven her, but the effects of what her mum did are life-long.

Her mum prioritised herself and her new partner over the happiness of her children and allowed her daughter to experience constant criticism and occasionally aggressive physical outbursts from her partner.

That feeling of revulsion and constant irritation is what normally happens when someone falls out of love with their partner/spouse. It's like OP, quite understandably, has fallen out of love with her mum.

Op I feel exactly the same about my Mum. Lots of physical abuse mainly slapping and hair pulling so not beaten black and blue. Emotional neglect. I truly felt invisible a lot of the time. Never said I love you. Never listening to me. One of my teachers said that me and my siblings had been “dragged up not brought up”
To be fair her Mum was even worse apparently.
She was truly awful to my Dad in the last 6 months of his life when he was bedridden with limited speech after a stroke. I also believe she did something very bad just before he died but I cannot prove that so I try really hard not to think about it.
She is 89 now and almost housebound but when I visit I get so irritated by her and to be fair she is annoying. She will ask a question about me or my kids but she doesn’t really listen to my answer, she just starts talking about her neighbours or people she saw at the Doctors. She does not stop talking at me and over me.
The anger is there but squashed deep down very occasionally I feel it and I can talk to Dh which is good.
Op your post has helped me to understand my irritation with her. ( although she is very annoying 😀)
I don’t let it show though. I try to think she’s old, lonely, often in pain. I know she loves me in her strange way. Sometimes I wistfully wonder what it would have been like to have had a Mum like my Mil! (She’s lovely)
It is what it is and I can’t change it. I did however realise that I could love and nurture my kids and I am a little bit proud of that☹️
Sorry for the pity party but this is the first time I’ve ever written this down.

@afaloren @pikkumyy77 thank-you, your two posts have made so much sense to me.

Feel exactly the same. It's awful and I dread seeing her because I hate my self and my behaviours when I'm with her.

I feel the same. We are very different and I do not like most of her views. I also have a lot of childhood stuff working away in the background.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to like her. I'm still struggling with the guilt and I shouldn't feel that way because she's my mother. It's a struggle but please don't be hard on yourself, it's hard.

All of these replies have been SO helpful thank you :) I actually often thought that most people find their mothers irritating and that it was pretty normal. But I think it’s more the case that people who’s mothers did shitty things to them as children find them irritating the older they get and the less they need them.

It’s definitely got worse since I had my daughter (now 4). I often worry that she will feel the same way about me when she’s older, like it’s “in her blood” or something. But becoming a mum has also shined a light on my own mum’s behaviour and made me feel increasingly resentful, as I would not dream of treating my DD the way she treated me. Eg. I look at my tiny, helpless 4-year-old and wonder how on earth my mum could have violently and aggressively smacked me at the same age for not saying please or something equally trivial. So yes, maybe I haven’t really forgiven her for the things she did and a lot of posters really hit the nail on the head when they said I forgave her because I thought it was “the right thing to do”. I thought I was being pathetic for holding on to this resentment for so long and “decided” to let it go. But I realise now it’s not always a choice to hold onto resentment about the past and you can’t just decide to let it go. It needs to be processed and dealt with.

She has said in the past (unprompted) she’s really sorry for leaving me as a child but not so much that she shouldn’t have done it, more that she’s sorry it was so hard but she didn’t have a choice because she “fell in love”. Which just shows how inherently selfish she is (my dad was not abusive or anything like that and she had an affair).

I know this is unreasonable but I also feel resentful for a new relationship she began about 8 years ago (when I was an adult). He is just such a total dick. Has horrible views - sexist, racist, homophobic and my mum (being none of these things before) has taken on all his views as her own and even completely changed her political viewpoints and who she votes for. I just find it pathetic that she’s always described herself as an independent woman yet as soon as a new man comes into the picture, she lets him completely control her (even if he’s not trying to!) and take over her brain. It fills me with rage tbh. I’m mainly resentful about it because he’s so awful that I now refuse to visit their house, which has impacted my mum and I’s relationship. Anyway, sorry in rambling now!

I feel like this too. My mum did some pretty shabby things over the years. Nothing life changing but now that I’m a mum myself I know I could never treat my DD the way she treated me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that while I do love her, I don’t massively like her. If we weren’t related I don’t think we’d be friends.

And I think it’s ok to think this way.

I have forgiven her for these things though

er no you haven't. You cant claim to have forgiven, when in the sentence before you claim to hold resentment.

Rightly so, but therein the problem lies. You cant stand to be around her because she was a terrible mother, and she has never owned and accepted and acknowledged her actions and the impact.