Am I that mum…?

[PineapplePrincess]

DS11 is going into his last year in junior School. In this year children apply and are selected as House Captains. There are four Houses, and eight Captains are appointed in total (two for each House). The normal assumption is that it is one boy and one girl per House.

This year however six out of the eight Captains are girls. I’m wondering whether to raise issue with the school.

I didn’t expect DS to get House Captain, but it’s been difficult to explain to him why the representation isn’t more balance, and how he stood a fair chance. I’ve obviously explained it will come down to the individual applications, criteria, etc and that this is good life lesson - life it’s not always fair.

I’m just gutted for him. He’s not a studious kid, he suffers from ADHD and school life is genuinely hard for him. In the last five years however, he has done so much to improve his behaviour and has got to a point where he is learning and applying himself. He used active examples in his application and interview on how he has progressed as well as demonstrated how he supports and cares for his non-verbal autistic sibling (guiding and supporting younger kids was a key area of focus for the application).

His end of school report card even stated that he ‘should actively look for examples to lead and take on additional responsibilities in the school’.

I didn’t expect him even to apply, as this would not normally be something he would put himself forward for. I just feel this crushing disappointment will deter him from ever doing anything similar in future.

I’m not looking for the school to reconsider. Just some explanation for me, so I can better understand and support DS.

But then I don’t want to be ‘that Mum’ either.

unfortunately many things at primary school are not fair, ime the same kids were picked for everything.
Tell him how proud you are of him and everything he's achieved and agree it's not fair but that's life unfortunately.

Indeed, you don’t wanna be that mum,
role model what it looks like to roll with things like this,
he will experience many things that may seem unfair / unjust / uncertain

you aren’t going to change the school decision but you can work on your sons and your response to this !!

basically it’s a you problem

Be proud of him improving himself.
Be proud of him applying.
Be proud of him for trying.

Now it's down to you to help build resilience and general understanding that sometimes in life it isn't about him but others and he won't always get what he wants no matter the amount of effort he puts in. Once he learns that you can be really proud of both him and you.

You don't know how many children applied and while your son did as best as he could, he was not selected this time. This is something that will happen frequently in life and I would focus on reminding him to always try your hardest.

I think you would be off to suddenly start accusing the school of racism.

I actually prefer it when teachers do choose as I always find student votes can also be unfair (my children always miss out on this as they are not the most popular kids). This just shows whatever system is used there is always potential for someone to claim it unfair.

go back for the last 30 years and see how many of the house captains have been boys.

This is always a difficult one. Im a teacher and every year we do prefect applications at school, and almost every year the girls outperform the boys. When it comes down to it it’s wrong to give it to the boys just because they are boys and we need to get a fair gender split. But it does feel wrong.

It makes you wonder considering how men still dominate high paying roles. I always wonder what happens between school and the world of work for this shift to happen

Surely it would have been less fair if the best candidates for the role had lost out because they were insisting on an equal split between boys and girls?

I actually prefer it when teachers do choose as I always find student votes can also be unfair (my children always miss out on this as they are not the most popular kids). This just shows whatever system is used there is always potential for someone to claim it unfair.

We do school council electrions at primary.

I'm very aware that it can be a popularity contest and every year I know which two children I want to win it for various reasons eg I think they'll take it seriously, they'd genuinely be good representatives, it would benefit their self esteem, develop their character etc.

It's interesting because, for the last 4 years, the children who've been voted in by their classmates have also been the same children I'd have chosen.

See that's quite lucky. Where I work it becomes very much a 'pick me' competition when children are allowed to choose (and the younger you go you then get the 'you won't be my friend if you don't chose me/my work to win').

Thinking about it, the 1 boy / 1 girl isn’t fair, what if there a 2 girls who are the most deserving out if a house, why should the 2nd girl miss out just because she is a girl?
As a PP has suggested, you and your son looking into the ethnicity of the captains for the previous 5 years is a bit odd. Why are you so convinced that the captains they have chosen are not simply the best ones for the position?

This.

8 places is very few places, say 40 kids applied then 28 are going to disapointed and all will have done their very best at an application.
Some of the most successful people and ideas were knocked back time and time again. I actually sent something to my son the other day who was moaning about something similar. Ive added it here, the message is don't give up..

What about the other 4? 😁

Don't hate me and my maths... my brain is fried. Ive just got home from a family (only fun for the kids but they were a bloody nightmare) fun day😂

I’ll let you off 😉

If he genuinely thinks he’s been discriminated against and really wants to demonstrate his maturity then I’d tell him to stop bending your ear about it and address his concerns to his teacher or head of year or whoever made the decision - obviously making clear he needs to be respectful and accept “no means no” as well. Help him write a polite letter outlining his concerns about diversity and asking for feedback and/or a chance to take on some other area of responsibility. Then you aren’t being “that parent” or lawnmowering, you’re empowering him to argue his own battles.

I am a bit surprised that in five years and 40 students they’ve never appointed any child from a non white background and I can understand why he therefore thinks there’s discrimination- there may well not be, but it’s a fair question for him to ask of the school.

Girls often got chosen for roles at my son's old school. Approx 60-70% of the time they probably were the right choice, but sometimes they definitely weren't. Everyone was aware of it.

and we'll all forget that in all walks of life, we have to watch countless men get all the jobs, positions, places on boards etc etc etc. And as soon as it's more than a couple of girls/women it's awful and should be best person for the job...

From skimming I totally disagree with most.

Assuming his year is balanced with boy/girl being 50/50 I think they should be picking 4 boys and 4 girls.

. It shows those lower down the school that both sexes can aspire to be leaders.
. It stops it becoming a 'girl' thing or 'uncool' for boys, or vice versa.
. Out in the world of work how often is 'the best person for the job' a white male? We can see 'best person' is often not really that. I think 'best person' is a poor argument age 10 when picking 8 children.

What comes through from your post is that you are disappointed. And you are projecting this onto your child. Even subconsciously wanting him to be disappointed so you have a reason to express your sadness and disappointment to the school. People get disappointed in life; they don’t chosen, they don’t get the grades they wanted, they don’t get the job etc etc. Use this as a life lesson for him and frame it in a constructive way otherwise he will start to feel like a victim and that’s the opposite of resilient.