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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nosey Neighbour?

22 replies

NattyQuail · 28/06/2025 11:34

So after 9 years of living next door to someone who was brilliant as a neighbour, I've had new neighbours for just over a month. They seem nice enough, decent, with 2 young children. Haven't met them yet as I prefer to keep myself to myself and not be overly familiar. I am friendly though and will talk to pretty much anyone.

The area I live is a bit rough and mostly rented to DSS. Never had a problem with immediate neighbours though. I keep myself out of other people's business.

Always lived alone, have friends over to visit though of both sexes. Had a casual thing with someone as well.

Went away on holiday last week and my mum cat sat. This neighbour saw my mum and immediately asked whether I am married or have a partner as she's heard a 'male voice,' and thought I lived with someone. This woman is about the same age as me and I'm 40. My mum said I live alone.

This has considerably annoyed me, bearing in mind this woman knows my old neighbour really well as she's moved into the house the other side of me and is now also her neighbour. Couldn't she have asked her? Why did she have to ask my mum who she doesn't know and only saw her that one time. I've since met her to say hello to but she didn't anything to me really as she was with our other neighbour.

I understand it's only natural for someone to want to know who lives next door, but this woman doesn't know anything about me, my mum, or what our relationship is like.

I have heard her husband watching porn during the afternoons. It's very obvious what it is. Either that or he has another woman over. I would never, ever say anything about that as it's none of my business but feel she's opened the floodgate now. I still would never say anything but it's really annoyed me what my mum has said. I feel like I have no privacy now and her curtains are twitching.

OP posts:
NotAntisocialJustSelectivelySocial · 28/06/2025 12:54

Yours is rather an extreme reaction I think.
People are nosy, and it is natural for her to want to know who lives next door, it is odd that she’s chosen your mum to get this info from, but you seem angry at your mum too, what was she supposed to say? It’s a perfectly ordinary question imo, she wasn’t trying to pry the burglar alarm code out of her or anything.

Game0fCrones · 28/06/2025 12:58

It sounds like your neighbour is trying to figure out who her neighbours are and because you've been avoiding her, she's asked your mum instead. Perfectly reasonable in my opinion.

Original poster
NattyQuail · 28/06/2025 13:02

I understand that my mum was put in an awkward position and yes, what was she supposed to say? However, my mum is an equally private person and always tells me not to tell everyone all about myself. I have a lot of close friends and my mum thinks I can overshare sometimes. But these are people whom I know well, not someone who I haven't even met yet.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 28/06/2025 13:53

I think sometimes outgoing people don’t realise that other people are more private and she was probably trying to make a bit of conversation and be a bit nosy but not maliciously.

She has no way of knowing your male visitor was a casual partner your mother didn’t know about or that you’re private people who would take offence at these questions. So she’s a bit insensitive but I don’t think you should judge her too harshly

Greenvases · 28/06/2025 13:59

OP, cool, distant and practice "why do you want to know?" and not answer.

I dislike nosey people. If I get a hint of it, I avoid, cheery nod and keep walking.

If she mentions the noise say yes they are thin, I hear a lot of voices and noise from yours in the afternoon.
Let her figure it out.

But primarily I would avoid and keep my distance.

NavyShark · 29/06/2025 18:26

I live next to a single woman in her 40s. She has had various men and women around over the years, she’s very chatty and social. I only know this from bumping into them outside or over the fence. I have never and would never ask anyone because it’s none of my fucking business. I have young DC. What she does and with who is not my business and unless she wants to discuss it with me for whatever reason, I’ve no interest.

You’re not in the wrong OP, she is, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your life is none of her fucking business.

leccybill · 29/06/2025 18:26

I don't really get who the neighbours are who has moved where, sorry. I have re-read it a few times but it's unclear.
Sounds like people are just being interested. She couldn't ask you as she hasn't seen you yet.
Btw, it's not been 'the DSS' since 2001.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 29/06/2025 18:34

I don't think it's especially nosey tbh, she just asked if you had a husband (I agree maybe a bit insensitive to mention the male voice), people asked me that all the time when I lived alone, or asked if i was seeing someone, I think partly so if an unknown man was wandering about they'd have an idea who he was. I suspect she asked your mum because she thought the answer would be more reliable. If there'd been a list of questions about your private life that's a bit more inappropriate but sounds like she was just puzzling out who lived next door and asked the person house sitting when she bumped into them. I'm not an especially private person though, so perhaps I'm just not empathising very well, the fact it's bothered you must mean she's over stepped a little, not sure you can do or say anything about it though.

godmum56 · 29/06/2025 18:36

difficult for your mum but I am careful who I let know that I live alone. Its not a massive secret or anything, I am just careful. I'd be wondering why she wanted to know too.

Snoken · 29/06/2025 18:51

leccybill · 29/06/2025 18:26

I don't really get who the neighbours are who has moved where, sorry. I have re-read it a few times but it's unclear.
Sounds like people are just being interested. She couldn't ask you as she hasn't seen you yet.
Btw, it's not been 'the DSS' since 2001.

I have no clue what DSS even is. To me it's dear step-son. Sounded weird with lots of step-sons living everywhere.

I agree though. It's just a neighbour being interested in who she lives next to. I'd like to think most of us prefer to at least be on friendly terms with our neighbours. They have been there for a month but OP has made herself unavailable that whole time so how was she to know if her neighbour was the man whose voice she heard or OP's mum.

MoreRainbowsPlease · 29/06/2025 18:53

I don't think her asking is particularly bad or odd, I've asked family members of people who have moved next door to us their relationship status (we have a rented house next to us and seem to get new people ever year), not because I'm nosey, but because I once assumed a couple who moved in were a couple, and it turned out they were brother and sister which caused a bit of confusion. Fortunately they found it funny, but I felt quite embarrassed so now I check with people if I can.

In your situation if I didn't get a chance to speak to you, but I did get the opportunity to speak to your mum, I would have asked her. Not to be nosey or for any sinister reason, just so I didn't make any faux pas in the future.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 29/06/2025 19:19

Your old neighbour moved house only to move in the other side of you? Or have I misunderstood

Zanatdy · 29/06/2025 19:38

It was a simple question really, no need to be so paranoid.

Original poster
NattyQuail · 29/06/2025 19:52

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 29/06/2025 19:19

Your old neighbour moved house only to move in the other side of you? Or have I misunderstood

Yes, that's right, so she's next door to the new neighbour as well. Old neighbour is my next door but one neighbour. She's next door to her old house.

I have no issue whether she asked whether I'm married or not, just saying about the male voices which I still find intrusive.

Just as @NavyShark said, it's really none of her business and she shouldn't have said anything about voices, male or otherwise ... it's probably just the effin' telly!

OP posts:
Original poster
NattyQuail · 29/06/2025 19:58

It's not a case of making myself unavailable, just more of a case of I have a busy life and I was letting them settle in first before introducing myself. But after this incident, I've had second thoughts about putting myself out there.

OP posts:
BlueandPinkSwan · 29/06/2025 20:10

Can't be bothered with neighbours , full stop.
We have a very nosy one soon found that out and now we avoid him like the plague, even make a game of it. He moans about his family and bitches about people, have heard him moan about us before. We are quieter than quiet - for him it must be like living next door to a cemetery.😄

NavyShark · 29/06/2025 20:18

NattyQuail · 29/06/2025 19:58

It's not a case of making myself unavailable, just more of a case of I have a busy life and I was letting them settle in first before introducing myself. But after this incident, I've had second thoughts about putting myself out there.

You don’t have any obligation to, if you don’t want to. I think life is better if we do know our neighbours as we can care for each other but you don’t need to share any part of your life with her, you don’t need to be friends, you don’t owe them anything. And you don’t need to explain why. I think she’s hugely overstepped to ask such personal questions of your mum, to be honest. She could have casually asked you if she was so inclined but asking your mum and the comments would make me uncomfortable too.

MyCoralHedgehog · 30/06/2025 08:16

I’m wondering this too!

Navyontop · 30/06/2025 09:38

I don’t think your neighbour has done anything wrong, is she a touch nosy, yes. But most people are nosy in my experience, I also find it quite annoying.
What you’re really annoyed about is your Mum knowing that you have a casual partner, but that male voice could be anyone. Also, did your neighbour definitely chat to your mum, or was your Mother fishing for information? One of my sisters would do this and has done in the past…

Stay civil with your neighbour, she might be a nice acquaintance over time.

TaupeRaven · 30/06/2025 09:41

Curious what the area "mostly being rented to DSS" has to do with anything in this scenario? Unless it's just to imply DSS folk have less decorum than the rest of us?

Original poster
NattyQuail · 30/06/2025 12:24

TaupeRaven · 30/06/2025 09:41

Curious what the area "mostly being rented to DSS" has to do with anything in this scenario? Unless it's just to imply DSS folk have less decorum than the rest of us?

People usually don't stay around here for very long, that's what I meant, plus there are hostels housing those who have just come out of prison. And a lot of drug crime, too.

I don't have anything against people who genuinely claim whatever benefit they're entitled to, either, if that's the way you read my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
NattyQuail · 30/06/2025 15:23

Navyontop · 30/06/2025 09:38

I don’t think your neighbour has done anything wrong, is she a touch nosy, yes. But most people are nosy in my experience, I also find it quite annoying.
What you’re really annoyed about is your Mum knowing that you have a casual partner, but that male voice could be anyone. Also, did your neighbour definitely chat to your mum, or was your Mother fishing for information? One of my sisters would do this and has done in the past…

Stay civil with your neighbour, she might be a nice acquaintance over time.

Yes, you're quite right, the issue is she targeted my mum instead of either asking our neighbour or waiting until she saw me.

She definitely asked my mum, so that bit is clear. I'm not going to say anything, unless she sticks her nose in again.

OP posts:
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