DP shuts down/sulks whenever I raise an issue

[Midwifelife]

Posting to try and understand where the problem lies. Been with my partner 10 yrs, not married, DD is 1.5yr old.

The issue is 2 fold - 1st issue since Dd's arrival I really don't feel like he has stepped up. I BF so did all the night wakings, and he moved himself into the spare room when she was a few days old, doesn't ever offer to look after her alone to give me a nap, baby still waking multiple times a night, and I'm back in full time work. He does some housework and all the DIY but I do all the food prep, majority housework, all the life admin, appointments, childcare, holiday arranging etc. Recently he has started to look after her independently for me to work occasional weekend shifts and around nursery hours for me to return to long shifts (I'm the higher earner if that's relevant) but this is basically the only time I'm not with DD. We have no family so I found being primary parent with no time for hobbies, or even a quiet bath (he would bring her to me crying and had absolutely no patience for her upset which I couldn't stand to witness) absolutely battered my mental health, whilst he managed to continue a 3x a week hobby, now fortunately about 2x a week but sometimes out all day on a hobby day. I asked, cried, shouted for more help from him, and things improved a little but often felt some intentional incompetence followed (eg left the 5m old unaccompanied baby in the playpen with a screwdriver to entertain herself whilst he 'watched' her whilst I showered) leaving me feeling like I couldn't switch off, this leads to problem 2...

Whenever I raise an issue, I try to be calm and patient initially, asking for what I need. Sometimes this is responded to fairly, but he will lose interest in looking after the baby or leave the task incomplete and wander away. If I get frustrated or upset he goes super cold, won't look at me, often won't respond to me asking questions, certainly will never apologise (which would de-escalate my growing rage on most occasions) or correct the behaviour that has upset me initially. Sometimes he will later (next day kind of time frame) recognise some fault but then will make similar choices or behaviours again quite soon. I suspect he may have ADHD, he went for some counselling when I asked him to move out after a really big upset, but this has dried up and never really seemed to improve things. It's the communication cold shoulder that I really can't bear and I'm just trying to gauge insight of whether I'm being precious and need to just buckle down and accept this is him, or whether most people wouldn't accept this?!

Sorry this is LONG

He's checked out. You have two babies. Keep one, dump the 15 stone lump of lazy lard.

This sounds horrendous.

TBH I think I would focus on the sleep issue first. Can you try to tackle it together as a project - would he come up with any plans? I feel as if there is zero chance of any change while you’re existing on such rags of sleep.

But tbh I know about the baby safety issue. Once you lose trust in your partners ability to do basic safeguarding you’re a long way down the road to a split. All I can say is that Dh was a better dad to an older Ds.

He’s stone walling you, it’s abuse.

Another baby born to a useless fucker.
Leave him.

I can never understand how these men, who are supposed to love you, put their feet up while you're on your knees with exhaustion. They come across as completely lacking in empathy.

Obviously don't have anymore children with him.

He is not being a partner to you, as he should, especially as you have a DD together. Tell him he has to step up and do parenting together with you, or get out. Be tough OP, he won't listen to you otherwise. But prepare yourself that he probably won't be willing to share decent parenthood or domesticity fairly. Which is not good enough! Good luck, you will need it.🌸

Don't try making excuses for him. My dh is on the spectrum and is a fantastic df.... Your dp isn't a partner.. Or a dear..
He is a lazy fucker..

Couples counselling may get him talking and communicating, however it involves both of you being fully invested abd wanting to make positive changes to support your family. It gives you a safe space to communicate worries, concerns, upset with a Mediator to.support you and teach you more.successful skills to share those things and actually.listen to each other.

I say this thinking I have undiagnosed adhd, and small things that are said to me can lead me to spiral and become really big for me. The sense of rejection is hard.

However, it could also be stone walling. It sounds like he never accepts responsibility which isnt healthy or sustainable. 1.5 years on he should have made improvements and grown as a dad.

Honestly, your description makes me feel it is the second one. And he has checked out and is coasting along while you burn yourself out. Resentment will build and you will loose love for him if you haven't already. Two options, counselling together with active involvement and effort from you both, or get out now.

Did he want to have a child? If yes, what did he think parenthood would look like?

And you've been with him for ten years and made a baby with him?

Why? Why didn't you want better for yourself and any children you might have?

That's the question to ask. You can't change him. You can make changes to your own self esteem/confidence that will allow you to make choices that benefit you and your DD. Dig down into why you've allowed this to happen.

He is capable of working, planning and practicing whatever his hobby is and doing DIY.

If he can do that, he is perfectly capable of taking care of a child.
He just doesn't want to.

That's it. It's not ADHD or neuordiversity or communication styles.

It's weaponised incompetence. He does it poorly because he knows you will then relieve of this responsibility and care for the child yourself.

He does not respect or care about you or your child.

Leave him. But if you won't do that, for the love of God, don't have a second child thinking that he might change.

He won't.

Your spoke to him and he's answered. What do you want?

There's nothing wrong with you, he's ignored you and won't change.

What now?

Continue on? Ask him to leave? Leave yourself?

Given his hobby time has accrued, I'd simply say I'm booking a holiday, I need rest too.

Go off, spend a few days destressing and try tackle this after some good sleeps. You're running on absolute zero by the sounds.

Him being left alone with the baby might make him see things in a new light. Oh and turn off your phone - he's an adult, he can look after his child.

I'm sorry...did no one else read about the fucking screwdriver!? Do not leave him with your child alone! Get rid, I'm sorry, he's awful. There are many good men out there.

He gave the baby a screwdriver......

You absolutely CANNOT stay with an idiot who allows his toddler to play with a fucking SCREWDRIVER!!!!!

FFS.

Maybe he wasn't so useless before baby was born? It totally changes the dynamics

Maybe. Or maybe it was easier to ignore how useless he was before the baby came along.

She was a surprise for us both (double contraceptive failure) but a welcomed one once we were over the initial shock. We certainly chatted a lot about our options but there was no animosity or big conflict during these discussions. So he said. I often question the same as his behaviour now tells me otherwise

We have been together since I was 19 so there has been a lot of growing up and changing for both of us. Whilst I'm sure the characteristics I'm seeing now have always been there, i have been very fortunate to have never needed to rely too heavily on him prior to a child. I was independent and we were happy in each others company. As a parent I have needed him to step up and help me and help her in a way I didn't prior. She was a surprise but i really didn't think parenting would play out the way it has. Even now for visitors and guests he can hold an act of 'dad of the year' for a few hours, playing , responsive, making her laugh and I guess that act fooled me for 8 years before I could see it couldn't hold 😞

Thanks all. It's good to read that I'm not going completely insane to expect some respect and improvements in communication.

As mentioned I think the safeguarding issue whether weaponised incompetence or genuine idiocy mean I can't just swan off on a holiday much as I would like.

And to those comments about further babies - don't worry, water tight contraception was my first priority doctors appointment after birth with how quickly issues became apparent, (of course alone, with baby in tow as per theme of thread).

He put your child in danger. If you had to take her to hospital with a injury from a screwdriver, neither of you would be left alone with her, or be allowed to leave with her. You are under reacting.
The silence/stonewalling is emotional abuse. Once she needs a lot of supervision, it will probably take an accident before he'll even rethink his behaviour. His hobby should have been put on hold. Think about what you need and wat and put it to him, if there isn't any discussion and show of stepping up, start making plans to leave the relationship.

As mentioned I think the safeguarding issue whether weaponised incompetence or genuine idiocy mean I can't just swan off on a holiday much as I would like. @Midwifelife

Weaponised incompetence is so insidious and cynical. And of course I'd you confront him he will never admit it.
He would rather appear stupid than confess to purposely putting your child in harm's way with the purpose of controlling you.

Couples councilling and if he refuses leave him. If he agrees but there isn’t sustained improvement leave him.

maybe there is hope but I suspect he thinks house and baby is your remit and doesn’t plan to change

YANBU, I would give him warnings that he either steps up in all areas - house care and baby care, or he leaves.

I have ADHD and make adjustments to ensure it doesn’t affect safety, routine etc. Don’t let him try and convince you that he can’t help it.

What a lazy selfish dick! Kick him out, you are a lone parent as is. No need for a man child to drag you down further.