To ask if you tell your friends everything

[Almondina]

I'd be really interested in how you make friendship work. I had a bad time when I was young and kept people at arm's length so feel a bit inexperienced!. I've been thrilled in middle age to meet a couple of very close friends, but recently there's been a bit of disappointment on both sides when we don't completely understand each other in the way you can (I'm told) feel your best friend does in your teenage years. We've recently had some quite intense bust-ups over this, and I'm wondering if we've simply been asking too much of each other. An older, very wise female friend told me she aims for quite a wide circle of friends and tends to turn to different friends for different situations/problems rather than expecting that one or two should be confidantes for everything, and her sense is that this is fulfilling for her friends too. I would love to know if you do this because I'm thinking maybe it's the right direction to go in?

The friend I see most of is very kind and would do anything for anyone. She's also far too involved in other people's lives and too keen on telling people what to do. There's a lot I don't tell her.

I don’t have any friends I have bust ups with. Can you explain what you’re arguing about? I’ve made quite a few new friends the last few years and have different relationships with all of them, I don’t suppose I think specifically about which ones I share different things with, it happens naturally. I don’t expect anyone to tell me everything or to tell anyone everything, who's got time for that?

If your friend maintains meaningful friendships with a range of people I’d listen to her advice.

Adult friendships are weird and change over time. I was always supporting my friends then when I had an awful time I tried to share and no one really listened. I finally did demonstrate how bad things were (wine followed by crying a lot - they’d never seen me cry) some were great but others distanced themselves. That hurt. I’d supported them through divorce, DV, dying parents yet when I needed them, they weren’t there. I’ve moved on from some but others I am close to are there for the fun times but I shelter them from the harder bits. Not sure if that’s how it should be but I guess everyone has baggage and maybe they just feel I should be able to cope.

What are you having intense bust ups about? I have 3 close friends and I've never had a bust up with any of them! And yes, I do tell them pretty much everything but we've known each other so long, I know I can trust them.

Are the bust ups over difference of opinion on something and you both feel that you NEED the other one to agree with you, so keep hammering away at the topic (vs just shrugging and changing topic)?

I had a difference of opinion last weekend with a very good friend, but I just left it and moved on to talking about something else.

I tend to turn to different friends for different things.

Friend 1 - dog stuff
Friend 2 - financial worries
Friend 3 - not much! She has the perfect life and never seems to have her own probs that I hear of, so I don't tend to share mine ifyswim?
Friend 4 - work stuff
Friend 5 - romantic problems

None of these friends are in a big girly friend group. I don't have that. I don't know anyone who does. I think it exists in American cinema mainly

Don’t think I’ve ever had a bust up. We’ve had differing of opinions on subjects but that’s all. Do you think someone was taking advantage of you, or not supporting you?

You saying you’re been wondering if you’ve been asking too much of each other. Can you give examples? I’m not codependent on my friends. We still have our own lives.

I dont tell anyone everything and no one tells me everything, that's not a pre requisite of friendship

I'm also interested in the bust ups, what's that about ?

I have different friends for different things, but I too wonder why the bust ups?

I have never had a bust up with any of my friends. What were those over exactly?

I only have 'bust ups' with my best friend (met at 11) and we immediately make up after and are both emotional (we are 34 and both quite intense haha). All my friends that I met at 20+ I wouldn't argue with - it would feel deranged because the friendships are adult/adult rather than with BF where we are child/child, adult/child depending on the situation and who needs what!

Step back slightly and keep your friendships fun. Get a therapist if you need one and don't take up too much emotional energy from your friends. Are you an only child by any chance? (I am and I used to ask too much of friends, so just checking for context!)

I have different groups of friends. My group of 5 woman friends I have known on and off for most of my life. Mainly via our own parents or their partners. I spend most of my time with them but some I’m closer to than others, and they are the same. They know most things.
I have a work bestie who knows loads about me.
Surface friends I meet for coffee who are great fun and we enjoy each others company. My husband knows the most about me

Bust ups are for teenagers and possibly close family! What on earth are you having bust ups about? Personally I rarely share my deepest thoughts with anyone as experience has told me it never ends well. I certainly wouldn't want to "live in someone else's pocket". But yes, to a degree you need to "read the room" with other people if you're sharing personal information, or indeed expecting to hear their personal information.

I hide a significant part of my life from everyone. People dont want to hear others moaning all day and having to worry about them they want to see happy healthy people.

Absolutely not. I've been friends with my best friend since 1981 and our first day at University. We see each other fairly often (say monthly) and aside from my dh she is the person who knows me best in the world. But I do not tell her everything, far from it. I don't even talk to dh (married 31 years) about everything! I am, I have realised, a very stand alone type of person.