If you have a content teen/ were content as a teen- how?

[9hdtvey54r]

As I've got older I've become much more secure in myself and much happier for it. This is true of many of my friends too - we're much more content with who we are and care a lot less what people think of us. In a lot of articles about what advice would you give your younger self, you see people saying things like 'don't care what people think about you', 'no one's looking at you, they're worrying about themselves' etc.

In an ideal world people would realise this a lot earlier on. But most of us don't. So I wondered, for those of you who were truly confident teens, or who have teens who are secure in themselves, how? What did you/your parents do to support that?

Thank you

Great question, I am also curious about this.

I think this comes from way before being a teen. I was confident and always have been, and I think that comes from a really solid relationship with my parents. No underhand comments, nothing snide, explaining the reasons for things, obviously no domestic abuse etc.. Totally in my corner while also guiding me. The key is total consistency I think. I hope I get it right for my kids.

My 15 year old dd is happy, friendly, drama free, resilient and content. Id love to say its due to my amazing parenting, but I feel that quite a large part of it is due to her friendship groups and just her general nature.

At school she's well liked, i wouldn't say she's one of the popular kids, but she has the loveliest friendship group who all appear to be similar to her in temperament/behaviours. She's always been quite bright so doesn't struggle academically. School for her is a fun place to be.

She does do a sport, which gives her another friendship group out of school, and she has been teaching the younger kids for the past 2 years. This has massively helped her confidence in talking to strangers, public speaking, etc.

As a family we're generally quite calm, dh and i rarely argue, we're not strict, we don't really shout, we eat dinner together every evening, we ask for and value her opinions, so maybe that has given her a solid foundation?

But honestly, i couldn't pinpoint the reasons why she's so different to the hormonal mess i was at 15. Who knows if we've just been lucky so far, and she'll go off the rails in a year or two?

Unlike the examples in your post she does care to some extent what people think about her but its more in the context of for example having the "right" handbag for school or rolling up her skirt as thats what everyone does and she'd look like a lemon with it down to her knees. But i think teenagers do generally have traits of pack animals and feel the need to conform to the crowd to some extent.

I've got a foster son who is 18 almost 19. He used to go to a special school. I got him out and he went to college to study sport which he loved. He is a very talented cricket player. I've just been told by his college he's up for an award and got invited to awards night. He's passed his BTEC Sport expecting DMM subject to external moderation. He's got an unconditional place at uni for September. He's on a long break now college is over. He's very happy with his friendship group and his gf. He walks around smiling all day long and is very good humoured. Honestly his life had been hell before he came into care yet he's shown huge resilience and never given up on his dreams and has always done his absolute best.

Luck I think! One chilled and happy, one more dramatic!

I was a pretty content teen. I think the factors which led to this included

• a good, varied, non judgemental friendship group
• I found school quite easy
• I identified my preferred career at about 12 (and still doing that now at 44) and focused on working towards that, there was no uncertainty, I knew what I wanted to acheive and was confident that if I worked hard enough I could acheive it, I had a clear focus
• supportive parents, gave me lots of freedom but there were a few clear boundaries of what was unacceptable - such as at 16 I was at clubs until 1- 2am, but no drinking alcohol, stay with my friends.

I was miserable as a teenager, but my two are easy going, happy and generally lovely. I don't know how that came about, dh (who was also miserable as a teen) and I often look at each other in wonder about it.

Possibly the fact they were home ed (by their choice past the age of 10 or so), so didn't have the usual school dramas. Or that they both have something they really loved which home ed allowed them to do to an extent they would not have been able to if they went to school. Or maybe just that they are a whole lot nicer than I ever was. No idea.

I had great teenage years. me
One because I was confident to express myself in my music, dress etc. This was the 1980s so many different things going on so it wasn't just me
Two I compartmentalized my friendship groups, outside of school was completely different to in school.
Three, all of my mates were from poor working class backgrounds so none of us had the latest fashions, trainers, gadgets etc (until some of them started stealing them!!)
Four my outside friends were mainly older and rebellious. Inside school I was goody two shoes
Five I was given quite a bit of freedom by my parents (again an 80s thing)
Six because where I came from was a little village really cut off from the city it was actually a part of, and no one had the money to travel, we arrived at the secondary school a tightnit little gang who exuded confidence so we attracted a lot of the other kids and the bullies stayed away.

I was happy from my mid teens - early bit was unhappy because I hadn't made friends and there was a fair bit of money trouble and bereavements in my family, but had a great time from 15, after I found my friends.

I was partly happy because I was a bit weird and I just never cared much how I looked. I was never conventionally pretty, I was very skinny and straight up and down but it was a non issue, it just wasn't where my self worth lay. It helped that my mum also modelled body confidence, though again she wasn't slim or conventionally attractive - she never talked down her looks and she also never talked down the looks of other women. In fact she would often compliment women of all different types - weight, race, body type - and I think that was a positve thing to do.

All 3 of us were pretty happy, there wasn't any sulking or door slamming - our parents trusted us and didn't put many limitations on us, and we didn't want to let them down by doing anything really dumb and we didn't want to let ourselves down by not doing well at school.

i've tried to do the same with our kids - 17 yo is mostly pretty happy, though they can keep their problems to themselves, there's some conflict about specific things but we can talk about them , and they are doing well at school and have lots of friends.

DS is 13 and still seems lovely, but can't tell how it will go - sometimes it is just luck of the draw and hormones give everyone a nightmare whatever you do.

But i think trust and just liking teenagers is important - there's no need to batten down the hatches and lay down the law the minute they enter their teens.

I was a contented and confident teen. My clothing choices and presentation frequently caused adults (in school in particular) to assume I was troubled (think punky emo in the 80s) but I really wasn't. My relationship with my parents (divorced) was characterised by their solid belief that allowing me autonomy in safe conditions and validating my decisions, even if I didn't always get things right, and coolly and constructively reflecting on things together would build independence and competence, which were always upheld as a kind of 'pinnacle skills'. I felt really clear about my rights and responsibilities and unconditionally loved. I never wanted to incur their disappointment because I 100% respected them and the way they lived their lives according to their values (a lot of social activism, local politics and do-gooding in the community). We didn't have much in terms of material wealth (no holidays, parents worked several jobs and always studied alongside, never ate out etc). They did instill a love of nature, and respect for the natural world and our dependency on its resources (grew up rurally) which I think was an important backdrop to my upbringing.

I struggled a bit with friendships and fitting in, but was largely content because a) I was bright, and so avoided too much criticism at school and b) I loved dance, took medals, which gave me a huge sense of achievement, and it all gave me something joyful to focus on, in those years when your hormones are turning your world upside down.

I would say the same for my two boys. One had better friendships than the other, one struggled more academically than the other, but both had sporting commitments which gave them a new friendship group, a sense of achievement and a regular rhythm to their week/month/year with training and matches, which carried them through the wobblier times . . .

A few references to being given sufficient freedom and autonomy, and being trusted with it. I really think this is a significant part of adolescent well-being.

My autistic teen, who has faced serious challenges in education and has been the recipient of innumerable interventions and incredible, albeit sometimes close to smothering support, still only became a 'contented teen' when a clear distinction was made between their learning needs and their emotional health: learning needs are addressed through appropriate educational provision, and emotional well-being and mental health saw a huge up-tick when we consistently began to parent with a commitment to autonomy and independence. DP, who was raised in quite a 'tight ship' way, with little personal freedom until he literally busted out and went to live in a squat aged 15, never looking back, had still been inclined to parent very 'closely', almost micro-managing DC1 in particular, due to their SEN. He had to really dig deep to trust that DC1, despite SEN, would benefit from more freedom and making many, many more choices and decisions about every aspect of their life (despite knowing this to have been true for himself as a teen). DC1 has gone from being a suicidal, self-harming, agoraphobic under CAMHS, unable to attend school, to being, since the education / SEN / wellbeing imbalance was redressed, in many ways indistinguishable from their peers: making plans, socialising, making money, planning for the future, and I put this down to frontloading on the freedom quotient. DC2 is already super-independent as a result and gets a huge amount of satisfaction from having a great deal of autonomy in her life. As parents, we still manage 'the back-office' function, ready to step in at the drop of a hat if needed and keep abreast of their calendar commitments etc -the autonomy thing isn't for our benefit, but it is rewarding to see we're needed less and less day to day.