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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered by this? Partner and finances.

13 replies

SquidGame21 · 27/06/2025 17:16

I have been with my partner for around a year. We don’t live together.

I usually have quite a bit more disposable income, so if we go out, I normally offer to pay 99% of the time. Partner does offer to pay at times, but I know they really struggle to afford it, so I usually decline the offer.

Partner was given an unexpected bonus from work, around £700 extra. Admitted they didn’t need it for anything - usually live on a budget and within means so doesn’t have any debt to use it towards or anything like that - so started talking about going shopping and buying themselves loads of new things.

Here is the AIBU bit…

There was absolutely no offer of “you normally pay for everything when we go out, now I have a bit of extra money and can afford it, I’ll take you out for a bite to eat” or something along the lines of that and it has really irked me.

AIBU and overthinking this or would this bother you too?

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 27/06/2025 17:18

"Oh how lovely Dave, where are you taking me?"

You really should be able to say this after a year together 😳

PoppyFleur · 27/06/2025 17:24

YANBU, I would be disappointed by the lack of thought. What is your partner like normally, are they thoughtful?

Whocanresist · 27/06/2025 17:27

Has he spent the money yet? Maybe see what he does the next time you go out.

LittlleMy · 27/06/2025 17:40

@SquidGame21 Hmm, if it were me I’d probably cheekily say, ‘so have your spent your bonus yet?’ because I was thinking what with the lovely weather you might fancy a hot little weekend away’. Or something similar!

MyCyanReader · 27/06/2025 17:44

I find this whole situation odd.

If you're paying for everything, is he actually organising stuff then you pay, or is it you organising and paying for everything?

I remember dating someone when I was on a tight budget. We took it in turns to sort out dates. When it was my turn, it was usually picnics, home cooked meals, cinema (2 for 1 vouchers), long walks etc... and when it was his turn to organise he would opt for restaurants or an activity of some sort that cost money.

I'd be rather miffed if he suddenly had money and didn't think to take you out somewhere nice!!

Lmnop22 · 27/06/2025 17:49

Have you actually been out since he got the money and he’s expected you to pay?

He might not make a big deal out of organising something for him to pay for especially but I would expect him to be offering to pay for the next organically occurring date!

Therealjudgejudy · 27/06/2025 17:52

I'd stop paying for all of your dates tbh.

hannahbanana93 · 27/06/2025 17:54

Yes but have you actually gone out anywhere yet where they have had the chance to pay? If not, maybe they will treat you on your next date. If not, then yeah they are being unreasonable.

Oodlesof · 27/06/2025 17:57

Whocanresist · 27/06/2025 17:27

Has he spent the money yet? Maybe see what he does the next time you go out.

How do you know it's a 'he'?

nomas · 27/06/2025 17:59

This is a red flag that he sees it as your job to provide for him. A generous man would have wanted to share it with you.

Stop paying for him!

PullTheBricksDown · 27/06/2025 18:02

S/he might not have thought of it immediately, so I wouldn't assume the worst yet, but I would hope there'd be an invite to treat you at some point soon.

Rosie8880 · 27/06/2025 20:06

SquidGame21 · 27/06/2025 17:16

I have been with my partner for around a year. We don’t live together.

I usually have quite a bit more disposable income, so if we go out, I normally offer to pay 99% of the time. Partner does offer to pay at times, but I know they really struggle to afford it, so I usually decline the offer.

Partner was given an unexpected bonus from work, around £700 extra. Admitted they didn’t need it for anything - usually live on a budget and within means so doesn’t have any debt to use it towards or anything like that - so started talking about going shopping and buying themselves loads of new things.

Here is the AIBU bit…

There was absolutely no offer of “you normally pay for everything when we go out, now I have a bit of extra money and can afford it, I’ll take you out for a bite to eat” or something along the lines of that and it has really irked me.

AIBU and overthinking this or would this bother you too?

a couple of things…

what do they enjoy and feel comfortable doing… I’ve been in many situations where I earn more than pals/ previous partners in my youth and I’d want to do the things I liked, pay for them, they’d feel uncomfortable…it could be a case that you have different tastes and he isn’t bothered by the things that you do…

if it’s not the above, I’m sorry but people are funny with money but money always talks… it’s about how they are valuing you and making you feel. Do you trust them, do they listen to what makes you feel good, secure, prioritized, valued. How they treat you is important and money isn’t always in the mix, but very often it can be..

i don’t like really hearing your partner allows you to cover costs most of time - I don’t know how pushy you are or aren’t, only you do, but I don’t thinks it’s a great signal. To test the waters I’d switch up, start not paying for thjngs/ do things that are within their budget and test their reaction. If you want things to change aka be more 50/50, give this a go and talk to your partner about it. The £700 is quite a small sum in grand scheme of things. For all you know they may be in debt or have debts and this is going straight to cover rhat off.
but talk to your partner.

Steelworks · 27/06/2025 20:06

hannahbanana93 · 27/06/2025 17:54

Yes but have you actually gone out anywhere yet where they have had the chance to pay? If not, maybe they will treat you on your next date. If not, then yeah they are being unreasonable.

This

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