Your advice?

[Emptynester79]

I have recently come.out of a 2.5 year relationship with a man who is fantastic with his kids and me, very loving etc, however he was not understanding or empathic to my young adult children. About 2 years ago things started to wrong in their relationship, when my son (then 16) made an off the cuff comment 'you better not hit my mum' (i had been in a previous bad marriage, not that the kids witnessed any abuse), which I took as a protective comment made from an immature young man, struggling to understand and except a new man in his life (his real dad also doesn't maintain a relationship with him). My ex took it the wrong way, didn't try to understand and ending up telling my son what he thought, not in a pleasant way. This escalated into shouting, aggression etc (on both sides) and after being squared up too, my son ended up hitting my ex. It was all such a mess, which i tried to resolve and see both sides, refusing to believe that this man, who was so good with his own kids and family and loving to me, could act as he did.
Roll on 2 years, and things between them have never really improved, they just seemed to tolerate each other. My ex did his best to only be at mine when my son wasn't there and they had barely seen each other in 3 months. One night after myself and my ex returned home after being out for my birthday, my son was at home. This lead to some cross words between the 2 and my ex then assaulting my son (18 at this point) . At that point as you can imagine, I told him to leave and the relationship ended.
I have been really struggling since. After talking to him, he seems to think that he wasn't at fault for my son hitting him 2 years ago. He states he just lost control and still had resentment for the previous incident when my son hit him (dented male pride). He has even cited that he blames me for putting him in that situation that night as I knew my son was there! I just cant get my head round that way of thinking. We starting talking again a few weeks ago and it seemed after everything, he was resentful, until the issue came up again and it appears not.

I am so at a lost, I know this person totally crossed a line when they assaulted my son, and he was meant to be the mature adult. I am just finding it so hard to understand l, he was so good with me, by myself and I believed he really cared and loved me, which was a novelty from the place I had come from. Despite everything I miss him being around and taking and sharing things, but what he did is so wrong, I know this. Right now I could just pick the phone up and ring him. Its driving me crazy.

How have any of you dealt with this kind of situation?

If someone actively avoided my son and then HIT him, I wouldn’t be thinking about picking the phone up and ringing him. He would be getting picked up off the floor by paramedics. Come on.

First post nails it. He hit your son and doesn’t even take responsibility for it! Come on op, avoid like the fuckin’ plague.

If he abused my child, it would be over, forgiving and letting him back into your life is 2 different things. How do you think your son would feel if he knew you were always thinking of this man that's never liked him and physically harmed him. He's blaming you and probably anyone but himself for his bullying behaviour. You would be beyond crazy to want him back. Concentrate on your own self and DC.

I suspect he's lovely only to people he doesn't perceive as any form of challenge to his status, ie women and kids. Young adult males he has a problem with. That is NOT a good quality!! You did right to leave him, and I would stay away from him

My stepfather assaulted me time and time again yet he was "lovely" to his own kids and my mother.
I was the one asked to leave at just 16, Id done nothing wrong. Neither has your son who was just trying to protect you.
Get rid of this man and never look back. He is a terrible person. He doesn't get to attack or alienate your children.

First post nailed it. What does his dad think of all this?

He is your ex for a reason. Leave it that way.

He’s a grown man and a 16 year old boy made a protective comment about his mum who he watched be in an dv relationship and the man’s reaction was to square up. That’s the point you should have gotten out.

I think it was always going to be challenging between your BF and your son. My opinion they both hold some fault here to varying degrees.

It may be past the point of no return with this man, and that is totally understandable. But I would caution you to watch your son in the future for sabotaging behaviors in your relationships.

Its OK to miss the good things about a relationship when it ends, it's something everyone coming out of a relationship does, including women in abusive relationships.

And he is abusive.

Grieve it and move on. Cut contact - it won't help, it'll just confuse and pain you.

Spend time with your son when you can and focus on new routines and building new memories in your new life.

If there's something you do where you really miss, like when going to bed,change things up to make it nice in a new way. Eg - make the room and bedtime routine feel special, like new bed linen or light a scented candle while reading in bed (obviously extinguish before sleep!). Or do a face mask when getting to bed - something that's about self care and confidence boosting.

This man assaulted your son and you're still talking to him? I can't imagine having anything to do with him to be honest. But then, you carried on seeing him after he squared up to and intimidated your 16 yearl old son so it doesn't sound like you are prepared to put your children first. You should cut all contact with this man. Obviously.