Wanting a second child but am I pushing my luck?

[Seeone]

I had dd 3 years ago. I’m now 38 (and 5 months).

I had an easy pregnancy. Simple c section. Dd has had her moments but basically been a bit of a dream child…of course I’ve had difficult and frustrating days but she’s pretty easy. I empathise with other mums and have done since dd was born but the reality is I haven’t faced any of the tantrums, lack of sleep etc that so many people talk about.

I do look a little haggard but I’ve kept a slim figure and managed to hold on to my career. I feel very lucky, as I know many people face a much more turbulent time.

I always hoped for multiple children and I know now it’s the last chance to do so. But honestly, am I pushing my luck to expect it to go like last time? Or do you just hear of the difficult stuff and actually many people have experiences like I have?

Your first lulls you into a false sense of security that's you've smashed parenting.

The second..... Woah....good luck!

Do what makes you happy, and what you won't regret. Who knows how it will go but it's all part of the ride.

No 2 pregnancies and babies are the same OP. But amongst my friendship group there were several who had problem-free pregnancies in their late 30s.
If it's something that you and your DP both want and you are all healthy, I would give it a go.

Of course it isn't going to be the same as last time.

But then again your child is 3 not 18 so you've no guarantees on what starting school, then secondary, puberty etc 8s going to bring you anyway. Plain sailing through toddler years doesn't guarantee an easy ride through the whole childhood.

So in 2 years time you might have a stroppy five year old who answers back and discusses everything and a toddler running rings around you. But that's fine it's parenting you get through it. Question is do you really want to do it all again? Jump from 1 to 2 is huge. Yes it's great having 2 but it's a lot of hard work and organisation.

I don't think your age has anything to do with it at 38 to be honest. At 45 maybe but not at 38

Even if your second child is not as easy as your first child, he or she will still be massively worth it! And although I know MN seems to be full of people with awful siblings, almost everyone finds having a sibling a positive in their life, both in childhood and adulthood. So you would also be having a second child for your DD.

Every pregnancy is different even for the same person. I had one at 29, one at 32 and one at 33.5 years old.

29 easy no issues
32 only got half way through but by god it was hard
33.5 hardest pregnancy.

however
DS (7) first baby was a hard baby in every aspect
DD (3) last baby was easy as a baby

My 1st child wasn't an easy child (he is autistic though). My middle 2, difficult, my 4th, quite a dream in comparison

There is no right and wrong answer. You've chosen to have one child for your own reasons and values. If you try for another it will again be for your own reasons and not right or wrong.

But just drawing attention to you can't choose what second child you have - some people feel they want to "give their child a sibling". Some love having a baby brother or sister and a lifelong relationship, a ready made playmate. But not all siblings get on. You can't meet two children's conflicting needs at the same time and in the same way as a single child. A second draws time, attention, money and energy away from the other child. If they have additional needs that can severely impact on your ability to be there for your first child. You're getting into sleepless nights, nappies baby stuff just as your older child is entering preschool and greater independence. And a 3yo can't play with a baby, they can't meaningfully play together till the baby is at least a year old.

My friends have two boys with a 3.5 year age gap and they do play together nicely but also fight like cat and dog, and supervising them is a lot of refereeing and dealing with the fallout from hitting, screaming, one crying about what the other did. One child on their own is like a holiday!

It is always a roll of the dice at any age! And at 38 you aren’t too old to make age the limiting factor. So if you want it go for it.

i recognise the feeling of pushing your luck though - second DC was very poorly neonatally and I really thought we that it was somehow a punishment for having a smooth ride with the first child, but ultimately he was fine. (And it turns out my easy ride of a first child is the one I worry about now he is older and the sickly second born is thriving - but I wouldn’t change anything about either of them).

like you say there’s no guaranteeing outcomes either way. My DSs have the same age gap and are each others best friends. I find it harder when I only have one around as they constantly want company and chatter and want to bore me with talk about Minecraft for hours!

Obviously earlier years are harder with two but I definitely felt a sense of having “completed the mission” with the second child - whatever that deep itch was that needed scratching by having children stopped itching!

go for it !! I had my first at 37 my second at 41 , first was a unicorn baby slept through the night from day one never cried . First time she cried loudly my husband nearly called an ambulance he was so worried ! Second baby didn’t sleep until she was four !! But to see them together and to know that they have each other is so worth it !

Well I had an "easy" first baby, had a second - and she's even easier than her sister. Just sleeps and eats (doesn't wake overnight) and has the gentlest temperament. They get on so well too - my first born is feistier, but very protective of her little sister.

You really don't know what you're going to get - it could be harder (but equally could be easier) than what you're expecting

You'd be silly to expect it to go like last time.

But you wouldn't b silly to accept that try might be a more difficult child and do it anyway. You'll still love them - even if they're a bloody nightmare!