I’m honestly worn out and could really use some outside views. I feel like this situation is taking over every part of our lives and I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.
It’s just DP and his younger brother now – let’s call him Ben. He’s 28, and since their parents passed away (mum a few years ago, dad last year), everything has fallen on DP’s shoulders.
Ben’s always been the golden child. Their parents absolutely doted on him, even when he was being difficult – which was often. He could lie, lash out, act recklessly, and somehow he’d still be the one being comforted. DP, meanwhile, was expected to just keep the peace and be the sensible one.
Ben’s never really held it together. He bounces between jobs, relationships, living arrangements – it’s always intense at the start and then burns out in drama. He’s either all in or completely switched off. If someone upsets him or says something he doesn’t like, he cuts them off completely or goes into a meltdown. There’s no middle ground with him. He can be incredibly charming when he wants something, and then cold and cruel when he doesn’t get his way. He goes from being the victim to being furious, depending on what suits the situation.
Since inheriting the family garage business, things have gone from bad to worse. He’s got no real interest in running it, doesn’t show up half the time, and has pushed away most of the staff. He’s left bills unpaid, ignored official letters, and now the place is close to going under. DP’s been the one trying to keep things from falling apart – spending every evening and weekend sorting paperwork, dealing with suppliers, even using his own savings to bail Ben out.
To make things worse, Ben was caught drink driving a few weeks ago. In one of the business vans. His reaction was typical – minimising it, saying he “just needed to clear his head” and that people were overreacting. But again, it’s DP who’s picking up the pieces and trying to make sure the fallout doesn’t ruin everything.
I’ve begged DP to step back. He agreed, briefly. But then Ben turned up in the middle of the night in tears, saying he couldn’t cope, that he had no one, that he didn’t want to be here anymore. And just like that, DP was pulled straight back in.
This isn’t a one-off. It’s a cycle. Ben creates chaos, then falls apart emotionally so someone else has to come in and sort it all out. And it always ends up being DP. No one else in the family will deal with him anymore – they’ve all stepped away, saying he’s manipulative and exhausting to be around. One of his cousins said it perfectly: “you’re either the hero or the enemy, and it changes overnight.”
I know mental health struggles are real, and I’m not saying Ben doesn’t need support. But at what point is it OK to say enough? DP is completely drained – emotionally, financially, physically. He’s lost all his free time, he’s stressed constantly, and our relationship is suffering because of it. I feel like Ben is sucking the air out of the room and DP can’t see it because he’s so wrapped up in trying to save him.
So AIBU to sit DP down and say clearly that this isn’t his responsibility anymore? That Ben is nearly 30, and if he refuses to get proper help, no one can fix him – least of all his brother? I’m starting to think that supporting Ben might actually be hurting him at this point, because it’s just enabling the same destructive cycle.