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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex turned up to home unannounced

13 replies

Thebirdrobin · 27/06/2025 09:37

Hi ladies,

I've been spilt with my ex for 3 years now, the spilt was bad, however things calmed down a year or so later we share a DD who is 8.
My ex got into a relationship straight away, I found out a few months later that he cheated - that relationship last a few months and again he got into another relationship (still with her) lives with her and her 5 DC in west London, I'm in Essex where I've always lived. I recently got into a relationship (4 months) my DD hasn't met him I have no intention of doing so until the time is right. He has no children, but is very understanding of my situation. My DD doesn't have overnights with dad due to their being no room in the home, it's a 2 bed flat 3 boys 2 girls and my ex and his gf sleep in the living room. However he spends every Saturday and every other Sunday with her 10-6 we have a informal arrangement.
That's the backstory.

I need help with what's been happening recently.
My ex says he doesn't care that I'm now in a relationship. Ever since we spilt we communicated via email, phone calls were and are rare, my daughter has a old mobile phone that we use so she can facetime him/speak to him.
We lost the phone on Sunday - I sent an email to him on Monday night telling him that we have lost the phone and I'll buy a replacement when I get paid on Wednesday, he never replied back but that's not unusual.
He has asked me if (let's call him bf for now) has been around his daughter - I've told him no, I usually go to his and I have no intention of introducing.
Wednesday night at 9.30 my buzzer goes, we were both in bed. I answered the door and it was him, demanding to be let in. Some idiot had left the entrance door on the latch and within 2 mins (I'm on 2nd floor) he was banging on my front door telling me "open the fucking door" which I did (out of sheer panic I suppose) he then put on all the lights, and demanded to know where my daughter was (she was in bed sleeping) demanded to know why he hasn't heard from us, I told him I'd emailed him and I hadn't had the chance to buy a new phone.
He then told me his mum was also worried and had emailed me (no emails from mum) and not to "fuck with him" and he wouldn't give a fuck who was in my house and threatened to "flip out"
I told him to leave my home immediately which he did, he had been drinking he had a drink on him.

He has now refused to pay for our DD until he is able to have her overnight, which isn't possible - his mum lives in Worthing and is in a 1 bed flat.

My friend said I should report him, I haven't told my bf (let's just call him that)

AIBU with stopping contact and getting legal advice now?
Everything was going so well, well as good as they could be.

OP posts:
nomas · 27/06/2025 09:43

YANBU, he is controlling and abusive.

Go to the CMS for child support and report him to the police.

Charla69 · 27/06/2025 09:45

Id not send her at all anymore as this behaviour is scary, please get the police involved as this is potentially dangerous.

Farmwifefarmlife · 27/06/2025 09:47

nomas · 27/06/2025 09:43

YANBU, he is controlling and abusive.

Go to the CMS for child support and report him to the police.

Exactly this! Do you have cctv in your building? I’d definitely report to the police. I also wouldn’t tell him anything about your private life. He has no need to know it’s your life now.

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/06/2025 09:51

Absolutely report to the police. Reinforce your door - bolt, chain. Go through CMS for child support.

Shut down all forms of communication except a parenting app.

Let him take you to court for contact.

Your life is none of his business.

Thebirdrobin · 27/06/2025 10:02

@Charla69 my friend and mum said that.
I'll speak to a solicitor as soon as I can. I have bought another phone for her so I suppose she could have facetime calls as usual.

OP posts:
TheMimsy · 27/06/2025 10:05

I’d log the visit and threatening behaviour with the police.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/06/2025 10:27

Csa is the best option my ex husband paid on time and everything however i wanted it done legally and i wanted it based on his wages. He was paying 20 quid to much anyways but much easier with csa. If theres history of abuse its free anyways.

You text him and say under no circumstances are you to turn up without an invite or you will get a restraining order. Tell him you will see him in court. My ex husband took me to the mediator and yet i was happy and was giving him access. We do sundays all day and monday tea time ive finally managed to get him to have dd alt sat nights now and hes saying its to much however he wants them every sunday and i want one night off so prob end up back at the mediator myself soon.

I know the feeling though my ex bf (mot ex husband) we split in jan as i found out about his coke issue. Did a fwb initially then iv found another fwb (more relationship really) but as an avoidant i cant cope with another label. Anyways my ex now knows about him and i had him turn up at mine yesterday however he did cut me the grass and had a coffee but im petrified of letting new fwb come here when kids arent just in case he turns up.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/06/2025 10:30

He can't take her overnight because he chooses to live with someone elses DC but he can't cope with you having a boyfriend, he's being a controlling, jealous idiot Op. Go to CMS and let him go to court to arrange contact, in his state of mind I wouldn't trust him

BookArt55 · 27/06/2025 10:42

Speak to the police, if this becomes a pattern it is good to have logged it as it happens. Would also help moving forward with potentially getting a non molestation order.
Ring doorbell if you can.
Have a codeword for family/friends that if you text it or say it in a call that they call the police immediately.
If you are friendly with a neighbour ask then to be aware if there is banging and shouting again to call the police.
CMS- contact them, let them deal wjth it. Report any missed payments once it is set up.
Contact these guys:https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-help/
Not an expert, they are. They have great advice specific to you, including non molestation orders and helping you find a solicitor, legal aid one too if eligible.
I would keep video calls going, but I wouldn't be supporting contact without legal support.
I'd also suggest you move to a parenting app, there are free ones but I don't know the names. I would suggest OFW. It will log all call, all messages. Evidences everything, nothing can be deleted and can be used in court as evidence.
In the meantime screenshot evidence of calls and messages so he can't delete anything.

domestic abuse help

Domestic Abuse Help · National Centre for Domestic Violence

Many national organisations exist to offer domestic abuse help to you, whether as a victim, survivor, perpetrator or someone concerned about a person you know.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-help

Charla69 · 27/06/2025 12:21

Thebirdrobin · 27/06/2025 10:02

@Charla69 my friend and mum said that.
I'll speak to a solicitor as soon as I can. I have bought another phone for her so I suppose she could have facetime calls as usual.

Well done, don't let him have that fear or control over you x

RunningJo · 27/06/2025 12:37

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/06/2025 09:51

Absolutely report to the police. Reinforce your door - bolt, chain. Go through CMS for child support.

Shut down all forms of communication except a parenting app.

Let him take you to court for contact.

Your life is none of his business.

All of this, plus a ring doorbell if you don't already have one.

Cabinqueen · 27/06/2025 16:19

@Thebirdrobin @BookArt55 has hit the nail on the head. Sound advice I think you'd be sensible to heed.

If he won't listen to you, then you absolutely must have contact with the police and inform them of his visit. It's essential particularly if his unacceptable threatening behaviour is causing you distress; he can bloody well listen to them. The police can advise him about the consequences if he continues to behave in this manner. Restraining orders, arrest...

Oh, and absolutely get CMS involved too. He clearly needs it explaining to him about the responsibilities of being a parent as well as a decent human being.

Good luck @Thebirdrobin , stay safe. X

Thebirdrobin · 28/06/2025 21:03

Thank you everyone
My block is a new build and every floor has CCTV and my intercom has a camera, so I'm covered in that respect (I think)
I never sent my daughter today, he's not due to have her tomorrow, I just said until I speak to a solicitor on Wednesday I think it's best to suspend contact, he never said anything back.
I told him if he was to come to my home again unannounced/invited then I would get a restraining order on him.
He then messaged me yesterday afternoon telling me that his gf is pregnant, he did say this on Wednesday as well who knows wouldn't surprise me.
I'll call CMS on Monday, he usually gives money at the end of the month when he gets paid, so due Monday. I'll see what happens there

OP posts:
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