To ask you how to decide where to live?

[ForestDream]

I'm really struggling to decide what to do with my life.
I'm 53, recently divorced, live abroad and have done for 30 years now, in my exh's country. Two young adult DC who have dual nationality but who feel stronger ties to their home country than to England as they have never spent more than holidays there. This is their home, but has never felt like mine.
I have enough money from the divorce to buy a property outright in the town where I live (which has everything I need but I don't love), or in another, nicer but more isolated, part of this country.
I could afford to move back to my hometown but would only be able to buy a small 2 bed house, 3 bed at a push but in a not great area, and it would eat up all my savings. If I stay here I would have money left over to save/invest.
I'm a teacher, which pays well and am due to get a decent (for here) country if I hand on until I'm 65. The thing is I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm sticking with it as nothing here would pay me so well.
I dream of moving 'home', getting a job in Waitrose, buying a little house, getting a dog and spending my freetime goung for walks, gardening, reading and cooking.
I am aware that I need time for things to settle down emotionally, and I'm not making any rash decisions.
Quite the opposite. There's a constant to and fro in my mind between what's logical, sensible, financially and with regard to being able to see my dc easily (currently students, not yet launched but will be in the next 3-5 years, and who knows where they'll end up?), and what my soul feels it wants.
When I look at property ads here all I feel is 'meh'. Nothing sparks joy. My heart sinks when I think of all that money being tied up here.
I'm renting at the moment. It's affordable and I coukd carry on doing so as I quite like my flat, but it seems like such a waste.
I've thought about invesring the lump sum from my divorce (not yet been paid, but imminent) but am not sure if it's worth it as I have no idea how long it will take me to decide what I want to do.
I wish I had a crystal ball, or enough money to be able to retire now.
Ideally, I would love a little house in my hometown and a place here too where I coyld spend time with my dc, but that would involve a Euromillions win.

Please, objective strangers of Mumsnet, can you give me your thoughts on this?

‘I dream of moving 'home', getting a job in Waitrose, buying a little house, getting a dog and spending my freetime goung for walks, gardening, reading and cooking.’ If this is your dream, go for it! Have you checked out Rightmove to see if the houses in the UK spark joy for you? If you’re a teacher, you could easily find a job here or tutor. Or follow the Waitrose dream. And I’m sure your children will visit. Get the two bed in the nicer area and a sofa bed. Good luck!

Do you really want to live in another country so hardly ever see your children and potential grandchildren?

Do you know anyone in your home town still?

Are you someone that can breezily join groups and chat, do you have social skills to build new friendships?

As an individual you don’t need a three bed house, you need a spare room for your children to visit but that is it. You need to change the mindset of being able to afford something less desirable. My mate whose house is in process of selling is divorcing. Going from 4 bed detached big drive for 4 cars to a 2 bed terrace. She is one year older than you and also has children at University on the brink of careers. She is very realistic about what she can afford.

When you write invest, as it’s the sum for your home don’t do anything risky. It’s all you have and at your age if it messes up you have risked your future home as you do not have enough time to recoup.

Couldn’t you teach back in the UK if you do want to move back.

How often have you visited your hometown in the 30 years you have been away? I left my hometown a long time ago but still have friends there and it has changed beyond recognition. Every change is a jolt, a memory lost to progress and new buildings.

So my question is, is "home" really in that hometown? Do you have friends there? How easy are the connections to enable you or your children to see each other either in the UK or where they are now?

Could you widen your search a little to see what you could afford if you lived a but further out?

@Holdonforsummer Thank you. You're right, I don't need three bedrooms. I just couldn't teach in the UK. It's bad enough where I am, and I work in a good school with sane senior management. The behaviour and micro-managing in England makes it sound soul destroying nowadays. I worked on the till in a supermarket as a student. I loved chatting to the customers, not having to think, walking away at the end of my shift.

@ARichWomansWorld Your first question is the killer. No, but we don't have any family ties in the town we live in (we've moved around a lot for my exh's work over the years), he says he'll move back to his own hometown once the dc are launched, and they don't know where they want to live. So I could stay here and end up being the only one to do so!

I have very few family members left at all but those I do have are in or near my hometown.

I'm not a social butterfly but the real friends I've made here are either fellow Brits, Americans, or locals who have lived in the UK. I'm fully bilingual but just never seem to gel with people here. I feel more myself, like I have more in common with people who are from the same background. And I'm tired of having to speak a foreign language all the time. I'm in therapy and one of the things we're wirking on is my sense of self. I feel I've suppressed who I was/am to make a life here wuth my exh. I think this is part of it.

You're right, I need to cut my cloth. I'm not looking for anything blingy, but I would have liked three bedrooms so that my dc always feel that they can move in if they need to. But two bedrooms and a sofa bed will do.

Thank you for the warning about investing. I do worry about this. I know I can't take any big risks. But what I don't want to do is leave it in a bank account while I try to decide, then in ten years time realise it's been eaten away by inflation.

@abigxforyou Those are really important points, thank you. Yes, it has changed a lot, but it still feels more like home than where I am now. As I said, I have no ties here as we moved around a lot. I never chose the place, any of the places, we lived. Lucliky the transport options are good and affordable, for now. But I know - because they've told me - that my dc would not make much of an effort. The onus would be on me to come back here to visit them.
Teaching seems like the logical choice and would pay better than retail and give me more holidays to be able to come and see my dc, but I don't know if I have the energy to adapt to a new system. I'm exhausted. All I want is peace.

As you know you want to be back in your hometown, in Rightmove, put in the area you want, you can draw a search too if you want specific streets etc, set your budget, number of bedrooms as 2 and then view results as low to high rather than the other way round. Sometimes properties that require some TLC are priced lower but have more potential to make it the home you want. We did this when we moved here and made it into a phenomenal home for ourselves.

It might also mean a 1 bed might be a better option depending on the floor plan, freeing up more money for you with a sofa bed for potential guests. Your children are telling you that they want you to visit them not the other way round and maybe this is the point where you have to put yourself first. They may never visit you in the UK or live with you. Personally I think it is rude that they have told you that and selfish too to never want to travel back to where you are from.

You could absolutely teach here in the UK - doing agency/supply or as a private tutor (if you couldn’t cope with being a part of a school).
Choose what’s right for you, for your whole life. Talk to your kids about how they envisage their futures. If they don’t plan to stay in their birth country, why would you? etc
Would they be happy with visits if you came back to the UK? (this is assuming that what YOU want would tie in with you maintaining a great relationship with them!)

Thank you both.

This stuck out:

"Choose what’s right for you, for your whole life."

It's so much harder now than when I was in my early 20s.
I'm second guessing everything.
I've been so used to not being able to choose for me that it's like I don't know how to.

Can you rent a place in UK home town over the summer to see how it feels to be there. Won’t be quite like moving as will still be a holiday but you can see what it feels like to be there, shop there, check out the facilities, hobbies etc that you are interested in, how often your friends are available for a coffee, walk, night out etc
I live a long way from my parents, my children do not know their grandparents well and I’m not sure I would do that again if I had the chance

I think coming back for the duration of the long school summer break is great .Excellent idea @FellInAPotHole

I agree with the other comment about renting in the UK (in your hometown or close by) for a month and see how you feel. Take in the local area, look at available property, work opportunities etc. You don't have to make any decisions yet. You have to do what you feel is best for you long-term. Your children are embarking on university shortly, and who knows where they may decide to settle in the future. Often students end up staying in their university city/town once graduating, rather than going back to their hometown. They may want to travel and eventually settle in a completely different country to what you're in now, especially if a job opportunity arose. Keep your options open!

Thank you, @FellInAPotHole and @Sassybooklover , that is a very good idea.

I will be back for a fortnight this summer, but could definitely plan for longer for 2026. Hopefully by then I'll be in a better place (time, therapy, clearer about finances).

I can't make any decisions until my dc have grown up a bit more.