to want to message the ex to confirm they're broken up?

[trogtrogtrog]

I started dating someone who told me they'd been single for about 18 months. Various things (I don't want to get into what they are but pretty damning stuff) are making me think that this isn't the case and his "ex" is either a. still his gf or b. they have broken up but it's more recent than he's claiming/they're still living together for practical reasons.

I want to message the ex to confirm they're broken up. I don't want to know any sordid details. Just a simple "yes we broke up in X" will satisfy me. FWIW, I'd never message her behind his back. I have no interest in doing that.

He doesn't want me to contact her because he feels like it's a breach of her privacy, which I do sort of get. However, I wouldn't give two hoots if my ex's new partner messaged me to confirm when we broke up. I have nothing to hide so I have nothing to fear kind of thing.

But is he right? Would it be unethical/unfair on her/a breach of her privacy for me to ask her the question? I have no idea if she knows I exist either way.

Personally I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who stalked my ex to message “when did you break up with twister?”
It’s really weird and boundary crossing.
If you don’t trust him just move on.

If you think he has been lying to you already, just end it.
If they haven't broken up, do you want to be the one to wade into that?

He's taking you for a mug. If they broke up more recently than he originally told you, does that mean he was cheating on her with you and therefore cheating on you with her? Even if that's not the case, he has still lied to you and deceived you. Still want to continue a relationship with him?

You either believe him of you don’t. I wouldn’t involve the OW, it’s between you and bf.

If you don’t trust him this early on, then you never will. Save yourself the constant second guessing as it’ll make your life really unpleasant. If you have proof he is lying, then that’s that. But you also need to be able to reflect on yourself and assess if it’s your own insecurity that’s driving this - in which case you need to work on that. If you shared why you think they’re still together then we could help you unpack that objectively.

If I were him I’d end the relationship with you because you’re basically calling him a liar. That’s assuming he’s not lying to you of course.

why are you in a relationship with someone who you think is lying to you?

You don't trust him, so no matter the ex's answer, why would you want to stay with him?

I strongly dislike people giving out my contact details, so if I were the ex, I'd be well and truly pissed off if my ex was giving them to his new girlfriend.

What makes you think they’re still together/recently split?

You clearly don’t trust him so just end it. Your distrust of him isn’t going to go away

Even if the ex confirmed this, it doesn't mean he hasn't been cheating on you with one of the other millions of women in the country. If the trust is gone, it's gone.

If my ex's new girlfriend messages me I won't be helpfully assisting with their new relationship 😂 the fact that he left me for her might have something to do with that!
You know nothing of the circumstances anyway. If I was your bf I wouldn't stay with you if messaged her against my will, but if I were you I wouldn't stay with someone I didn't trust (been there got the shitty tshirt)

If they broke up 18 months ago why are they still living together that’s a bit odd
If it’s all true then 18 months is also plenty long enough for you to be hanging out at his house sometimes even if she lives there too. If they are so long separated that shouldn’t be a problem as they are likely both seeing other people by now ?

I’m sorry but if the “evidence is pretty damning” then what would contacting her achieve? If you think she will 1) reply 2) tell the truth, then you might be sorely disappointed (and make yourself look the crazy he is turning you into in the process).

If you don’t trust his word (you don’t) then give up the bloody ghost already and move on. Even if he’s single now he’s lied before and you can’t and won’t trust him ever again. So you get answers for this particular lie/situation but there’ll be plenty more times and lies you’ll catch him in (or worse, lies you don’t catch him in) and you’ll be right where you are now without an ex’s word to trust more than your “bf’s” word.

You can’t win this one or get what you want from him and this pseudo-relationship. You need to move on.

It doesn't sound a good relationship if you're feeling you need to do this!

Yeah I wouldn't be happily messaging my exes new girlfriend. What in the world??

It’s a bit of a arsehole thing to do. You are not entitled to question someone’s ex. Leave her alone.

It’s not worth having a relationship like this. Do better.

What evidence do you have that makes you suspicious? I wouldn't bother contacting his ex if you think he's lying to you - I'd just end it. Life's too short to date someone you don't trust!

If you’re even feeling the need to clarify the information this relationship is doomed.

The fact that you would believe a random stranger (the ex) over your partner screams that you don’t trust him… and if you don’t trust him then there’s no point in wasting any more of your time.

How would you even know if the ex is telling the truth? The ex may lie to stay out of it, to be spiteful, for fun… they may tell the truth… but how would you know the difference?