AIBU To Stay - will i regret it later?

[AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere]

My relationship is dead in the water, I broke it off last summer, but let myself talked into giving it another go. But my "partner" has treated me in ways over the years (14) that has killed my feelings for him, there's no arguing and we co-parent fine when he is here, but there's no real relationship now (His communication skills were never great and have not improved over time!)

However, I am a realist and honestly dont feel like leaving would improve my situation in any tangible way. My other-half is away a lot with work (70-75% of the year), so i pretty much function as a solo parent anyway, but a financially supported one. I would have to give up our house (which I love, its not grand, but it suits us and always saw it as our forever home) I have a year left on a degree that I have been doing whilst my kids (6&8) are at school and I run a part-time business, that is a good addition to our finances,especially for the hrs i work, but not enough to run a home on solo. However it allows me to do all the school runs and be at every event for my kids and take them to their clubs twice a week. We are far from wealthy and struggle to save much, but we dont go without a few treats.

My partner wont be home more if we separate, likely less as they would almost certainly move closer to family (2.5-3hrs from here) So more of the childcare (if that's possible) will fall to me, so it's not like I would have the time or finances to date and dont work in a job that puts singletons in my path!
I have also had 2 friends separate in the last year or so and both went toxic pretty fast, causing anxiety for the kids. My kids are genuinely unaware of any issues currently, though at least cos of unusual set up, having us live separate wouldnt be much of an adjustment. But it would be me that would less able to do things with them if we split, whilst he could spoil them and feels unfair for me to be the one to miss out on holidays and things with them, when they are the one who has broken the relationship. :(

So mostly I think staying is better at the moment, I am not in a phase of my life where I want to make it any harder, i already feel like i am juggling too many balls keeping on top of young kids, a house, a business and a degree and being in my 40's with hormones starting to go a little wild, but part of me worries a few years down the line I will regret wasting these years and not giving myself at least a chance to meet someone new (though i cant emphasise enough how much the idea of online dating in my 40's does not appeal!!)

Who has been in the same position? Did you stay or go? Do you think you made the right choice?

I'd give it a year, finish the degree and re-evaluate my decision. It sounds like leaving now would be difficult - I'd stay for one more year and mentally decide if things haven't improved a lot in the next 12 months then I'm going.

I haven't been in the same position but this is your life and if you want to stay for the convenience just now that's fine. You can change your mind later if you want. If you're happy in your set up and don't see any benefit to leaving that's fine.
If you're unhappy generally because of this then it is also fine to leave.
There's no wrong answer here.

you have clearly analysed the situation and I would say that you are making the right decision for now. it does not stop you changing your mind at some point in the future. Many women here will tell you to dump your partner now but you must do what is right mostly for your children and also for you. The grass is rarely greener the other side of the fence and no-one has every thing that they want in life.

Exactly this.

I think a short-term goal of finishing your degree, for example, is feasible.

My SIL wanted to stay until her children had finished school. That was a goal of about five or six years. She got unhappier and unhappier, the relationship got messier, her H had an affair, then she couldn't take it any longer, had her own affair and broke up the relationship. She hit rock bottom and couldn't hold out any longer.

Unfortunately, she cracked right when her eldest DS had finished school but the younger was doing his A-levels. He saw and still sees this as she ruined his life etc. etc., she cares more about the eldest, she was only waiting until he finished school. She hadn't told him when his DF was having an affair, so he blames the whole break-up on her and her ex stokes that. This is ten years on and they have a very rocky relationship and DS has been in all kinds of trouble.

Obviously, I know that this is a very specific situation, but I mean it as an example that you can't always stick it out, it's sometimes going to be the worst possible solution, even though your intentions are the best of doing it for the children.

Also, you might decide to stay and stick it out for the children - but he can also decide to leave you. You might not be able to control the timeline.

Also bear in mind that you being in part-time/flexible/lower-earning positions for longer in order to be available for the children could leave you in an increasingly vulnerable position financially (lower pension, harder to progress in career, harder to retrain, harder to increase hours), so bear that in mind if it applies/could apply to you.

If there's no abuse , you're at peace mostly because your patner works away, you're doing a degree, I'd stay for now. Also if you want to leave ensure you're able to co-parent. And don't leave to 'meet someone else' leave to be happy and work on yourself believe me starting another relationship straight away will not give you happiness. Happiness comes from within. You could fall for another twat. All the best

Just don't get sucked in again. Keep your eyes on the prize. You know this for a fact:

My relationship is dead in the water, I broke it off last summer, but let myself talked into giving it another go

so stick to it when it suits you.

Please bear in mind that online dating is not the only way to meet someone great in your 40s. I had the bloody time of my life after divorcing in my 40s. And met my now-husband at a small music festival. There is so much fun to be had. You're in your prime!

I think under the circumstances, ticking along for now sounds like the best idea. The fact he works away for more than half the time does help really.

I am a single parent and my ex did a complete u-turn when we divorced. Did not keep to any arrangements, went off on his new life with no looking back. So, I agree, there is often a drastic change after divorce.

But for me I think the most difficult parts were having sole responsibility for the children, and also sole responsibility for finances. And making serious decisions alone.

if I were in your situation and only need to be living with him a quarter of the time, I would have hung in there and just bided my time until the children were older, and I had plenty of time to prepare myself for a single future.

I didn't meet anyone worthwhile after divorce, and to be really honest I don't care to now either. So those saying oh but you are closing yourself off to meeting someone else...... do you even want that? (it seems to bother others more than me that I am single).

Going to be harsh here in one respect OP, sorry, you're happy to sponge off him while you complete your degree, lead him on for another 12-18 months, you're already talking/thinking about dating, you've checked out already, all while your partner is blissfully unaware. If the tables were turned, he'd be called a cocklodger and advised to bugger him off as soon as possible.

That's my harsh thoughts, but I don't and can't blame you for wanting out of a relationship. However, I've seen men dragged through similar situations, they believe everything is fine, they are making plans for a future, all while they have been taken advantage of and then often taken to the cleaners during divorce.

First post nails it again. Do what’s right for you and your kids. It looks like your partner has done nothing after a wake up call so you can’t be blamed for planning your life in a way that works for you.
Id just highlight that dating in your 40’s is a truly horrific minefield so don’t plan to find someone quickly, plan to be happy on your own and if someone comes along it’s a bonus. And ignore the bloke above. You’re not sponging off anyone, you’re keeping your kids supported whilst your partner is barely there.

That's the definition of sponging! I half agree to stay and sort your life out, I could link you back to many, many threads where genders are reversed and the first response LTB, cocklodger etc. However, don't be surprised by a dynamic change when you drop this in his lap and he discovers you've been planning it for 12-18 months.

It's a cake and eat it situation, and I'm not sure how my (supposed) gender has a bearing on my reply?

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

You sound quite level-headed and have given this much thought, so take the time to make the decision that is right for you, at the right time.

I totally hear you and it can see why someone would think its a bit of a dick move, but when I called it off last year he accepted he screwed the relationship with his behaviour and his solution was for him to keep paying for the house for the kids sake and move to live with family. I was the one that said the kids need you here more than they need this house and planned on selling it.
100% goes against the grain for me to accept being paid for and actually only accept it for the kids sake, I dont see that they should suffer for his failings,

OH yeah, if i left tomorrow i would have no interest in dating right now! I dont have the time or the headspace for it.
I mention it only,as the possibility of finding someone who actually brings me happiness is about the only thing I would gain from leaving, i am very cynical about it actually happening though, thus why it hasnt, thus far, swayed my decision. ha.
I feel like that isnt enough reason to upend my kids lives though. I would like them to witness what a truely loving partnership looks like as they get older, but they dont see any problems at this point, we get along well enough at a surface level in the time he is here.

I think better to be in no relationship than in a relationship with the wrong person. The main person who makes you happy should be yourself. I get that it’s difficult right now to leave but I would start putting plans in place. The older the kids get the more likely it will affect important times at school. If you don’t want to stick it out for another 15 years I think you should start planning to leave. It’s not unreasonable to hold off until you finish the degree, but there comes a point where it’s unfair to him if you’re living a lie and he thinks everything’s okay.

I’ve missed the obvious point, is it worth trying marriage counselling?

The possibility was raised last year, I told him it was on him this time to initiate any steps to fix things (due to all previous efforts coming from me) He hasn't initiated anything.

And your kids shouldn't suffer, but the sad reality for a lot of people is that you will be worse off when you split up. Both men and women, you're in a position right now where you can finish your degree, take the kids to school, pick them up and live in your forever home. That's a life you've built together. Unless you can walk into a high-paying job, something has to give to make the move. And none of that is an excuse to stay with him if you're not happy, and I'm in no way suggesting you should.

It also sounds like you've had the talk before, and not much has changed. However, I think most people would find it hard to build a relationship if they are away 70% of the time. But I read it as you don't want that anyway. I can see it's a rock and hard place for you as you want the best for your children.

Yes, I find myself stuck between idealism and reality.

Never thought I would find myself in this place and stay, but it's different once you have kids, for anything we would would gain, we would lose something else.

What I'm getting from your post is that you felt strong enough to end it last year and you don't this year.

It sounds like your self worth is diminishing and you're rationalising staying as a pragmatic choice.

Get your degree and your children a few years older.
Both practical decisions that will benefit you both.

He probably has damaged my self worth over the years if I am honest, but thankfully is was pretty rock solid beforehand, so it's just about standing, if a little wobbly.ha.

It was mostly that I was riding a really strong wave of anger last year, mostly on my children's behalf and I rode it all the way to the estate agent, part of me wishes I stuck to my guns, cos it was really tough to deal with having to give up our home, which is a bigger factor for me than how I feel about myself. I owned my own home before him and our kids, but due to massive inflation in the house market and me needing a suitable work space at home, I would struggle to find something to meet our current needs on my own now. Plus spring &summer is my favourite time on our house as we have a lovely big garden full of wildlife, so I have fallen in love with it all over again.