Friend making my mum’s operation about her!

[BettyCrockerClinic]

I have a long standing friend who lives in my hometown, and who is very into her nights out. Whenever I go home for the weekend, she’s always very keen for us to go out. I do enjoy it, but I can’t catch up with her every time I visit - I want time with my family, especially as my sister now has two children who love to see. Friend can sometimes get a bit sniffy if I am in town and don’t make arrangements with her, but ultimately the family is my priority. She lives on the other side of town to my parents, so we can’t really just pop out for a coffee - although I suspect she wouldn’t want that rather than a night out anyway.

Anyway, my mum is having a hip replacement operation soon. It’s her second one, and last time I went to stay for a week to help out. She was in hospital longer than expected and is thinking the same might happen this time. As such, she has asked me not to come while she’s in hospital, but if I wouldn’t mind coming up afterwards instead, as I can be of more help once she’s home. I said that was fine; whatever she wanted.

My friend messaged yesterday saying “It’s your mum’s op next week, isn’t it? Let me know if it all gets a bit too much and you want to escape for a few drinks!” I said thanks, but explained I wouldn’t be coming up until afterwards. Friend replied saying, “Oh, I bet she wants you there really. You should come up anyway. Your mum will appreciate it”. I explained again that this was what she wanted, and that I agreed it made sense, as it means my dad can go back to work (I can WFH and he can’t).

She doesn’t give up. Next it was “But I’m sure it would still help to have you there, and your dad will appreciate the company if he’s all on his own while your mum’s in hospital - and she’ll be glad about that, seeing as she seems to be a worrier! Anyway, let me know and if you want to meet up.”

I’m now feeling really annoyed. First of all, she barely knows my mum, so the “seems to be a worrier” comment and the suggestion I didn’t know what she wanted felt rude. I know my mum inside out - if she was doing the whole “Don’t feel you have to come up” routine, I’d have spotted it a mile off. She was asking me to come when it would help her most, and it made perfect sense. Secondly, if friend is so concerned for my poor old dad on his own, surely I should be staying in with him and not going out drinking with her?

I feel like she is only really bothered about having a drinking buddy and not about me in my own right. Her “concern” for my mum is all about whether I’ll be around for trips to the pub rather than for her. I’m not expecting her to mount a bedside vigil, but I feel like a real friend would have actually asked how she’s doing and, when I explained why I wasn’t coming yet, have been understanding. I’m not planning a holiday or party trip!

I feel like not even bothering to get in touch when I DO go up. WWYD?

I hate people trying to persuade me to do what they want with manipulation tactics like this.

I wouldn't be contacting her when I'm up.

It's sad because the friendship clearly means more to her than you but it's for selfish reasons on her part.

I wouldn’t get in touch at all unless you actually want to see her. This isn’t a social visit and you’ll be working as well as caring for your mum. If she persists just be firm and honest that you aren’t coming out and your parents are your priority.

Wishing your mother well for a swift recovery.

whatever its called this is selfish behaviour. I'd definitely stop responding for now and think about how much of a friend this "friend" actually is.

Either she loves your company so much it's turned her thought process into tunnel vision and she's doing WHATEVER it takes to see you, or she's really, really lonely and desperate, which is rather sad, or she's just a self-centred, bossy arse.

Either way, I'd give it a few days and just keep to the point "As I said, I'm coming on such and such date and will be supporting my parents, I'll let you know when I'm next in town and have more free time". I'd be annoyed about how annoying she is being for a bit and then dump it, it's not worth it.

It's so par for the course. The converse is also true. You offer to do something for someone and they suspect you are doing it for your own benefit. Those are the people I suspect are huge CFs themselves.

Just stop responding to her. I sometimes don't tell my school friend when I go home, family is more important and they like to organise stuff for me/with me.

I’d send “😂😂 how desperate are you for a night out? Mum definitely wants me there to help when she’s out of hospital rather than next week but nice try.”

I was thinking that too. I don’t see why it’s important OP “understands the difference”. You’re splitting hairs.

OP, she sounds totally wrapped up in herself and has no interest in you or your mum.

I’d either just ignore her or tell it to her straight. I’d possibly dress it up as being half jokey, but I’d get the message across.

“oi Betty, get another drinking buddy. I’m coming to look after my mum, at a time that suits my mum. It’s not about you.”

Good luck for your mums op.

What exactly is the difference? And why is it “important” that OP understand it?

OP have you been friends with her since you were very young? I have two old friends who were like this for years whenever I visited my home town after moving away - one really, really persistently - I think sometimes it's a case of them wanting to indulge nostalgia and to feel that things haven't changed? And as others have said, perhaps she's lonely and struggling to make new friends. I once went to my parents for two nights to look after their pets when my mum had a planned procedure at a specialist hospital over 100 miles away, and my most persistent friend pretty much decided I wanted to see her for the whole two days and was quite difficult to shake off (I was happy to meet for a coffee, but had planned to relax alone and also do coursework). The other was quite miffed once when I didn't jump for joy at the activities she'd planned for us for the whole of a Saturday (without discussing with me first). You just have to stick to your boundaries!

Your pal is far far too bossy. It's really annoying when folk want you to do what they want and if you don't you're the awkward one. In your shoes I would step back a bit from the friendship. Just say sorry the plans are already made and won't be changing.

What you will be doing is none of her business. Assuming you don’t want to meet up in any shape or form just tell that you don’t know when you will be there and when you are, you are not planning on meet ups with anyone (as this will be family time only).

This is what she asked you “Anyway, let me know and if you want to meet up.”

just reply to say “I already have. I said no. Please stop asking me.”

What does she do for her social life when you're not there - does she have one or does she only get out when you're there? I would feel a little sorry for her if it is the latter but your reason for visiting is to help your mum and not to accommodate your friend. How does she know about your mum's op? I wouldn't say anything to her about plans to visit in the future and wait till you're there and if you then fancy seeing her - can message and see if she is available.

This could have been written about her! It’s like she still thinks of me as being home from university for a bit; where my parents’ home was still my home and I’d just go out whenever. It’s different now. Of course my parents never mind if I want to see friends too while I’m visiting them, but I want to make time for them; for my wider family.

I suppose I feel a bit guilty because if I had a friend in Manchester or Liverpool (for example) I wouldn’t go there for the weekend without visiting them. But it’s not the same; I’m up in my hometown reasonably regularly, so it’s not like she doesn’t see me from one year to the next.

Maybe as shes your friend she just wants to see you, when she finally has enough and you dont hear from her you will be moaning again....

My friend messaged yesterday saying “It’s your mum’s op next week, isn’t it? Let me know if it all gets a bit too much and you want to escape for a few drinks!”

Thanks, will do.

That would have given her all the information needed without getting into a conversation.

It did lessen and get easier, but over time for me, OP. I had to be firm at times and not budge. Both have since moved to other towns and I am still in touch/friendly with them.
I think it can be particularly tricky with old friends! I think it's probably common to feel we have to make allowances for old friends that we would be less likely to in new ones!

This would be my preferred approach too.

It is succinct and should get the message across. If it cools the friendship then so be it. You will be there as your Mum comes out of hospital in order to focus on supporting her recovery, not to go out drinking and socialising with friend.

I'd stop telling friend anything about when you will be in the area at the moment, or putting it up anywhere she might see it. Then you won't leave yourself open to these ambushes by her and are more likely to be left in peace with your parents. It would also leave you in control and if you did find yourself with a spare couple of hours you could give friend a call and offer to meet up for a coffee (making clear that it could be nothing more at this point). Her reaction to that would tell you all you need to know about her.

I bet I can guess how many times she has bothered to come and see you..

It wouldn’t though, because then when it came to the time of the operation she’d have messaged me again. I set the expectation that I wasn’t going to be there.

So her desire to see me trumps me helping my mother recover after an operation?

I would just say, "sorry but I wouldn't make any plans around me based on how poorly mum was after her last op. I will need to be home 24x7 to help with personal care so won't be going out or drinking at home for that matter as I won't hear her bell. Next time !"

Stop answering her multiple questions.
Give a thumbs up and focus on your mother.

I can well imagine your mother would appreciate your support after the operation as being of most value.