To ask how women with emotionally unavailable fathers made sure they found an emotionally available partner?

[ThatRoseFish]

Title says it all really.

If you grew up with a father who was emotionally unavailable - distant, cold, inconsistent, dismissive, whatever form it took, how did you make sure you didn’t repeat the pattern in adulthood?

How did you spot the difference between someone who just seemed kind and attentive early on vs someone who was actually emotionally safe and consistent long-term?

Did you do specific inner work, therapy, journalling, dating differently, or was it more trial and error?

Also, if you did end up with someone emotionally unavailable at first, what helped you leave or shift direction?

Not trying to be goady - I’m genuinely interested in how people broke the cycle and made healthier choices for themselves.

I didn't, it was just blind luck. Dh saw me, fell in love with me, and refused to leave my side forever more. It's been 35 years and he's still absolutely loving.

If anything, I'm more likely to be the emotionally unavailable one, though I do try.

Lots of therapy in my case - during which I grew out of dating sh8t men!

No, didn’t manage not to marry my ‘father’.

he’s not so bad as my dad but definitely emotionally unavailable.

I’m not much better !!

he’s a good person though

I was in a relationship with someone who was very similar to him for a couple of years and after that I met my husband who was totally different, i think it was more after the B/F who was like him that made me hyper aware of all the differences in my husband and to really appreciate them

Interesting question! Speaking as someone with an emotionally unavailable dad:
I got badly burned by relationships in my 20s. I gravitating towards very intellectual and emotionally distant men, with a pattern of guys who would pursue me like crazy at first but then once they had me in the bag, would keep me at arms length and accuse me of being "needy" if I ever wanted a deeper emotional connection or the horror instigated a discussion about the future. Whether that was discussing marriage or even having the audacity to ask them to lock down plans for the following Saturday. I felt like I was going mad and after years of telling myself I could just get a man to commit of I was interesting/sexy/undemanding/cool/mysterious enough I woke up to my own bullshit and sought therapy.
It took a long-ass time to unpick many unhealthy lessons I had learned from my parents marriage (dad had been an alcoholic and it turns out I have many classic "adult child of an alcoholic" traits that were propelling me into unhealthy relationships).
Met a great guy on an app some years later after doing much inner work. He was warm and open and all-round lovely. He just felt totally different from all the other men I had ever dated before and didn't cause me any anxiety.
We got married three years later.
Sadly the story doesn't have a happy ending as he went through a total 180 degree personality change following a traumatic life even that surprised even his closest friends, and we are still working through that. It's sad as i had really done a lot of healing work and had consciously tried to break old patterns and I find myself very unhappily married to someone who is extremely emotionally reactive, very angry and very closed off.
But if my luck had been different I think I could have landed up in a happy marriage. I did my best.

Completely by accident. I gave him hell the first three years and our relationship was very turbulent as I didn’t know how to communicate in a healthy way. I quit alcohol, invested in us and 6 years later we are married with a three year old. Life is very good, he’s a wonderful man and I make sure I tell him every time I get the urge.
I’ve forced myself to be better, I have only ever known dysfunction and I don’t want that for my children. I have two older teenagers from previous relationships and whilst I parent them, I parent myself. I follow my instincts, and I’m gentle and fair. And so far they’re amazing human beings. My oldest teen is a girl, and I’ve found the last few years tricky as she moves through the age I was when my life spiralled, but she is so stable and knows her worth, and that was all me.

Im worth it, you’re also worth it, we are all worth good, fair and respectful love without condition. I have to remind myself this often as I feel like a charlatan in my own life, but it gets easier as more time passes

Having an emotionally absent and mostly absent father and an emotionally neglectful bullying mother and step father really did a number on me. But that’s on them, not me.

I went against my instincts after lots of deep logical thinking and went the opposite of my dad!

Nothing- I have a terrible habit of falling for men who aren't interested. And I've been single for 6.5 years and I'm very close to giving up.

Probably not the best answer, sorry.

Luck in many respects. However, I was determined to find a man who wasn't a pathetic, feckless, man child like my father. I was lucky that I had some excellent male role models, on the periphery of my family, and tried to find someone who matched their energy.

I had lots of failed, toxic relationships but it was sheer luck that I found DP who is an amazing man.

I think his biggest green flag, that people like us should look for in relationships, is how consistent he was. He kept his word, stuck to all plans we made and offers reassurance whenever I ask for it.

Learnt about myself and men. Did a lot of dating and rejected any that were not emotionally available as I was finally able to recognise what that looked like.