Intense friendships

[Barefootmadre]

Let me know what you think…
I have been friends with this person for almost 10 years.
everything I do, she seems to copy?! Multiple things have occurred over the years here are some:
i got pregnant, announced my pregnancy and sure enough 4 weeks later she tells me she is pregnant. Fast forward a few years we put our house on the market to move to a better school catchment area… she does the same.
asks for our kids to be in the same class.
if I don’t reply to her messages (I have 3 children and work full time, and my husband works away a lot) I get literally 4-5 voice notes about absolute guff. Then if I don’t reply to those she will all of a sudden have some sort of ailment or health scare. Couldn’t count in 2 hands how many “cancer” scares she has had over the years. There is ALWAYS a drama.
She voiced how anxious she was about the school gate drama and I just said well… if you stay out of it you won’t know about it…
WELL she has literally involved herself in every single school gate nonsense there has been this year. Including helping spread nasty gossip and then tries to involve me for my opinion. My opinion is usually “oh flip that’s mental” or … “i really don’t care” She will then bug me for 2 weeks about meeting up for coffee (I am like, babe I don’t have time to wash my hair never mind have a coffee) she doesn’t seem to get this and will go on and on until the point comes where she corners me in person. I am a crap liar, I’m pretty sure she watches my home as she will say “ I assume you’re working today as your car isn’t there”. Utter madness. I am really trying to avoid her but again, our kids are going to be in the same class in sept. She also does this weird thing that if she knows someone who is going through something she will make it a reality for herself. One of the parents was having a tricky time with their kids, they were in the process of getting an ASD diagnosis, she all of a sudden was like I THINK … IS AUTISIC… there is absolutely nothing wrong with her child.

my OH is away with work this week, she has BOMBARDED me with messages that I honestly can’t reply to, they don’t even warrant a reply… 16 min voice note synopsis of her day… really odd. Yesterday she spoke to me about some gossip and tried to tease some more gossip out of me, I just nodded and smiled and give the odd “oh dear”. I have made friends with some really nice mums, she knows this and wants me to tell her every detail of their lives. I will absolutely not do that!
She then all of a sudden has another ailment and needs me to mind her kids while she gets checked out. She has a husband and family close by… I said I couldn’t. I know I am an extremely private person but I am sociable and well liked. I fear if I cut her off completely she will turn all of the mums against me. My integrity is everything to me!
I actually can’t believe that I am writing all this down, it seems insane. Advice please?!

oh I totally forgot to mention she stalks people on social media to the point that she will know who they are related to and then if we pass them she will be like “that’s …. Cousin, I seen on Facebook etc that they were in … for hols”
weird or what?!

I think it comes down to, do you want to be friends with this woman?

It sounds like the friendship has run its course on your end. You seem fed up with everything she does.
I would highly doubt she got pregnant because you did! That's some super sperm stuff right there.
Or buying in the same area as you.

In terms of the gossiping, I'm with you on that, I'd have no time for it & it will always come back to bite you on the a**.
If you are chatting to her, just continue as you are with vague replies.

I'd just keep her at arms length since you have to see her at school gates. 'Hi Xxx, how are you & gang'.
You can have a chit chat & be polite but don't have to get into gossip about others.
If she starts, 'sorry, got to run' .

I'd mute her conversations and if she sends a 16 min VM, just say 'hectic day, haven't had a chance to listen, is everything OK, can you text instead?'
Then you can catch up on messages when you want to.

Hopefully in time she will make some new friends and you can remain civil but both move on.

The pregnancy/moving stuff unkikely to be copying.

The other stuff does sound like A LOT. Going to be difficult to extricate yourself, suggest trying a grey rock technique, just be so boring she moves on to someone else?

Sounds very much like a friend I used to have. I had to cut her off eventually. She said something quite rude and offensive to me so it was a good excuse to do so.

I was also going to say she's unlikely to have got pregnant copying you. If she was pregnant four weeks later it's more likely they were TTC for a while and ditto the house move. Doesn't she have a partner she's dragging along in this?

With the voice notes and messages just ignore them or send brief replies less often so she knows she's not getting an immediate reply. I agree with PP suggestion of saying you don't have time to listen to the voice note but hope everything is okay.

If you don't want to spend so much time with her or gossip with her then let her know.

I bet you’re not the only one on the receiving end!

Hate people like this does she have a job some people just have far to much time on their hands and can't bare to be in their own company.

Thank you all!!
She said they got pregnant after one try 🤣 super sperm sh*t indeed!!

i am actually frightened of what she might do if I cut her off completely

Faze her out slowly over time

She has a husband yes, she has a job but let’s say… it’s seasonal so she can take lots of time off.

I agree, I think she is very addicted to her phone.
odd thing is, when we are together she is constantly looking at her phone. Really bizarre.

she doesn’t have any hobbies, I do feel sorry for her in a way but that’s no reason to be friends with someone.

I think I need to cut my losses

I also grieve the friendship that we used to have. It’s so tough because she was my friend during a really difficult post partum period with my 3rd.
my husband thinks I’m looking at it with rose tinted glasses 🤣

You dont have to be so mean about her. She got pregnant and moved to better school catchment, like everyone else in the uk

She gossips, and wants to spend more time than you'd like. Fine, dont partake. You dont have to be so petty and nasty

I am very sorry that my post stressed you out @juneny. It wasn’t my intention to come across as nasty, nor petty.
However, I do not believe that I said anything of the sort. Nor did I say anything personal, I actually did say that I grieve our previous friendship. I was simply looking for some advice, anonymously, to not cause her any embarrassment within our friendship circle.
But I see that this has caused you some kind of emotional distress, apologies.
Enjoy your evening.

Plot twist @junenyis the friend 😬 awkward

@alexalisten honestly wouldn’t surprise me

She would annoy me too. I really hate gossips, and the thing about gossips is they will eventually gossip about you too.
I think you should just be distantly polite at the school gates, be in a rush a lot, tell her you are too busy for voice notes so to text instead. She sounds far too intense.

Unlike others I think some of her “coincidences” probably were deliberate. Unfortunately I know the type of person you are dealing with, I’ve had to deal with one, and they at best have no ideas of their own and at worst are quite unhinged.

Time for a bit of direct communication I reckon. Maybe bland yet clear.

"Got loads on, can't keep up with this level and of messaging." Then mute for a while and repeat.

Don't worry too much about what she might do. Sounds like you keep out of gossip and have other friends. So likely others will have her marked as a bit of a high maintenence nightmare too.

Im not stressed in the slightest. I thought you'd benefit from a light shined on your attitude. I assumed thats why you posted here, If not, carry on...

I don’t think it was petty and rude at all. The OP actually sounds like she’s at her wits end to be honest.

@Barefootmadre sorry, she sounds horrific. I would phase her out as pp have suggested. She’ll soon get tired and move onto someone else.

Back away.
Be too busy.
Stop listening to the messages.
Take longer to answer texts.

She sounds absolutely unhinged.
The nastiness and gossiping is particularly ugly.

Remain calm, friendly and pleasant to other mums.
Ride it out.
Sounds horrendous.

Are you “the friend”??

I am very glad that people see this behaviour as unhinged too.

I am a bit thrown by it all, not something you expect to go through in your 40s.

i have also caught her out on lots of lies too. Scary to be honest.

Probably most people cotton on to her quite quickly, and she probably doesn't have much credibility with others in your community... So if she does start saying stuff about you might only have a very short term impact?

I agree.

People may not say much but they will see and hear her behaviour.

Anyone involved in drama at the gate is to be slowly backed away from.

Take it seriously, step away by being too busy with the children, detoxing from SM, no longer spending time on the phone, you are too busy, on a loop.

She sounds lonely and anxious. But you completely do not sound compatible as friends- the pregnancy etc is unlikely to be copying but I can see as things have gone on she seems very intense and I think from what you’ve described perhaps a little suffocating.

If it was me I’d be pleasant but always busy/ late replying - she’ll move on, especially as she’s preoccupied with school gate gossip- you could ask that your children are in separate classes so you can have a bit of space.

Slow fade her out. If you usually reply in an hour, extend it to a day then a few days. Mute her chats and check them every few days at first then stop altogether. Don't even listen to the voicenotes. Don't give excuses or apologise about the delayed replies. Be breezy in person "I've had a lot on so haven't got round to checking my phone " She'll eventually get tired.