To want to change my name?

[confusedchipmunk]

I’m 20 now but I have always hated my name. I have been vocal about it, I told my mother when I was 15-16 I’d like to change it and that went down like a lead balloon. She told me she’d never forgive me etc. I didn’t do it and I still hate it. Admittedly however, I use another name outside of the house, on social media etc, but I dread her ever finding out. I mentioned it a while ago again and she told me I put her off her dinner, she rang up one of her other kids who then proceeded to shout through the phone that I’m stuck with my birth name forever and that’s that. I live with my mother at the moment but she is intending on moving to where she was born in the next year or so, and I’m looking forward to life without her if I am being totally honest. (I know that sounds terrible)

My mother gave me a boys name that passes as unisex (think Frankie/Jamie, that sort of style) and spelt it a more “feminine” way. She wanted a boy and I wasn’t a boy, but I’m also her last child so she used it anyways, plus she has a name theme going on and all 5 of us have similar names. I’d like to change it to something much more normal and feminine, like Mary, Elizabeth or Rose etc. I prefer traditional names over more modern ones which is my mother’s taste. I feel stuck with a name I don’t like, if I change it my mother will never forgive me and I’ll never hear the end of it, but I genuinely cringe whenever I have to introduce myself with my legal name.

While I’m here actually, would you find it strange if you met someone who had changed their name? I don’t know when I’d tell people if I did, or if I should tell them at all. I know I’d obviously need to tell boyfriends and their families at some point, but would it be seen as weird?

Of course not. If you want to change it, do it. It's never going to make you happy, so take the plunge.

A relative of mine did. Everyone got used to it including her mum

If you’re able to go by another name on social media and at work and introduce yourself that way socially then I don’t really see the point. Except on your passport and to your mother (who I expect wouldn’t be supportive in addressing you by any other name legally changed or otherwise) you’ll be called what you like.

Although, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if someone changed their name and I had to get used to calling them something else, it would be just like they told me a preference for a nickname or something and I would do my best to get used to it and remember!

I hated my name as a teenager, and at age 15/16 I announced I was going to change it and quickly followed up with some brief legal work to make it formal. Probably the best thing I’ve done, I’m mid 50s now, i cannot imagine going through my adult life feeling resentful and embarrassed because of my hideous name. Everyone got used to it pretty quickly. Your mum is being selfish I think.

I could just continue to use it socially but I think changing it on my passport etc would be easier. I’ve read up on how to change it etc but I don’t know when I’ll actually get to do it. My mother would throw a fit if she knew, and if I were to get letters etc in the new name I dread her reaction. I could just rush to the postbox every afternoon but I’d probably forget and she’d find out. It’s nice to know other’s experiences with changing their name. I hope I can do the same at some point.

You are an individual person and your name is nothing to do with your mum, especially now you’re an adult.

I changed my name as an adult as I wasn’t keen on my childhood name and although my mum was upset initially, she accepted it. All my professional qualifications, passport, marriage certificate etc. are in my new name.

Just do it and feel confident in your choices. So what if family members don’t approve? They can’t live your life for you.

I know lots who have changed their name if only justvto be known by that name rather than officially. Also many that are known by their middle name as they don't like their first name. Being that it's going to cause an atmosphere at home, I'd probably wait until your mum moves/you move out. In the meantime your friends could still call you by your chosen name.
I don't think it's weird esp currently when so many people are changing their names for gender reasons.
It's a shame your mum won't support you on this but she's obviously taking it personally -I expect you've already explained it's not personal though. Ultimately you're the one who has to use your name though. You're the only one it affects.

Change it.
And if I were going to change my name I’d go the whole hog and do it legally.

You are not your mother’s property. A close friend of mine has hated her name since childhood. I spent years trying to reassure her it wasn’t that bad before admitting that yes it wasn’t very kind of her mum. I think she’s grown accustomed to it as she’s got older, but you don’t have to. This is your name, your identity. If it bothers you that much just change it. I would wait until your mum moves abroad though, just to reduce the stress.

When one of my neighbours died a few years ago, in her nineties, we were all surprised at her funeral to discover that the name we knew her by was actually her middle name. Her family explained that it was just what she preferred. Also my husband had an uncle who everyone calls by an entirely different name and no one seems to know why. A similar example would be his name is Peter but everyone calls him Bob, no relationship between the names, not his middle name or anything. I write the Christmas cards every year and address the envelope to Mr “P” whatever, and then put “dear Bob” inside.

Anyway, I’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent, but the point is that people going by a name other than the one they were given at birth is not a new thing. It’s not always been so easy to change it legally as it is now, but since it is easy why wouldn’t you?

YANBU

Much better to change it now than after you've graduated university, established your career, etc. Do consider potential nicknames. For example, Elizabeth is likely to be called Liz. Would that bother you? Also consider how the name sounds and looks with your surname. Elizabeth Bartholomew might be a pain when filling out forms especially if you have a long middle name.

I've met multiple people who have changed their names. Starting uni or first job is a good time. You probably have met them, or will, too, you just wouldn't necessarily know.

The social change is the big one, it's the only one you really have to go public about. In day to day life no one cares what's on someone else's passport.

I think the main question is how you deal with your mum if she (likely) refuses to use your new name. But again that is a social question, not a legal one. I hope you are much happier with your new name.

Nah, not weird at all. I have three friends who have changed there names. One used his birth surname as his first name (everyone had always called him by it anyway) and chose a new surname. One chose a new surname. One from a more 'fashionable' name (Kieran/Aaron type name) to a more traditional one (David/William type name). All changed them legally and I only know because it came up after I'd been telling two about the other (didn't know each other - didn't discuss the actual names, just the concept) at different times and it turned out to be much more common than I'd imagined!

Hopefully your Mum will come round given you've been talking about it a while - it's not like it's impulsive or a teenage whim.

YANBU, officially change it but don't be surprised if your mum calls you the other name as she may struggle to swap over.