Sorting my life out seems impossible and I’m close to giving up.

[CherriesAndBerries5]

I’m 27F. I have adhd and anxiety and I absolutely have my struggles. I know I have lots to work on and I start therapy next week (I have tried so many therapists but not gelled or benefited from any). My self esteem is really really low and this does affect me every day. My boyfriend is so lovely and supportive but he has noticed how low my self esteem is, and feels this affects me every single day. He has to reassure me a bit.

I am friends with a girl within my boyfriend’s social circle. We see each other a few times a week. I have known her for 2.5 years now. We spoke yesterday after a week of her being a little off with me - I asked if she was ok and she told me that she’s struggled with me recently as I’ve apparently been frosty and blunt with her. I explained I’ve been feeling down and I have days where I think everyone hates me; so I don’t always try to socialise as it’s exhausting.
She said I “don’t make it easy” and that I’m hard work - I said I would’ve just preferred to be asked if I was ok and she said I can’t expect everyone to check in on me and ask if I’m ok all of the time. She said I’m very quiet and I don’t make an effort or talk to anyone or join in with anyone anymore, and sometimes I am blunt, which makes people don’t want to talk to me. This really hurt because I am a quiet person. She said I need to integrate myself and sit with people even if not necessarily chatting. We spoke about how poor my self esteem is and how often I feel too annoying and shy to talk to people.

The conversation in general was mainly me crying and saying I need to sort my life out. She kept reiterating that I’m not a bad person and that she’s just trying to help, and that I’m not alone; and that I should just talk to them more if I am struggling or having an off day. She said I don’t communicate enough. Whilst I now feel this is still true, I’ve also woken up feeling really disillusioned and confused.

I feel like I just get on with my day every day and am so deluded I don’t even realise how I’m coming across sometimes. I just feel no hope, my confidence is through the floor and I’ve tried all of these strategies and therapy. I feel like everything in my life I ruin. And I just feel awkward now having to try and act a certain way around everyone so I don’t seem rude and unfriendly.

I really need help :(

She's putting a lot of pressure on you, you don't have to change for her convenience, you don't owe her an explanation. focus on changing one thing that you know will make a difference to your life, so it may be finding ways to raise your self esteem. Talk this through with your therapist. You sound a little introverted, I'm an introvert, I never apologise for my personality, I cannot and will not change. It took years to realise that I'm ok as I am, I do have to make compromises with myself though, I have to work, I have to deal with people, but I set boundaries around my time and space. Don't let this one person muddy your head, some of us don't want to open up and talk to others about our feelings all the time, and that's ok.

You sound lovely OP. I don’t mean to sound patronising at all, but your perspective will change a lot over the next 10 years. You’ll start to gain an inner confidence and fitting in and having lots of friends will mean less to you than having the right friends. People who understand and value you for you.

Also, as you move through life, you realise that friendships come and go. What works at times, doesn’t work at others.

It sounds like you need help to accept yourself. None of us are perfect. We are all flawed. But we are who we are and true confidence and peace comes from knowing yourself and accepting it.

Unless you’re being actively unkind, which it doesn’t sound like, you need to focus on finding happiness yourself. Your boyfriend sounds lovely. Focus on your hobbies, book a few nice trips, undertake an interesting course. Don’t worry about everyone else too much.

That’s just one persons opinion. It’s not fact.

Go and see the therapist. See how it goes. If you don’t gel, try another one.

Are you on any medication for your anxiety? I have several friends who are on medication and it helps them greatly. I also have friends who know they are best in a one on one situation and so that’s how they meet their friends. I know they have a wide circle of friends but I’ve never met any of her other friends as we just meet up together And that’s fine.

There are social skills groups for adults. Would something like that be of interest? Or finding a pen pal or on line friends?

You don’t need to be what someone else wants. You just need to be yourself and accept that this is enough. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea but it is still enough

Thank you all for the lovely replies. I understand this is one persons opinion but it makes me so anxious as I’m not friends with anyone I used to be friends with anymore.. I feel like I am the problem. I feel so much pressure to be fun and I can’t go through an interaction without thinking about every single thing I’m doing!

I used to be so much more confident around 3 years ago and I’m just not sure what’s happened to me but I’m like a different person. I want this to shape me into a new confident person and I don’t know how!

yes medication is very much a consideration, I have tried sertraline before but it didn’t do much

I’m feeling really sad and confused again today:(