Abusive co-parent advice please

[MummyofoneT]

I left my ex 18 months ago mainly due to lack of connection and emotional abuse ( for example he would stonewall me for up to a week after any kind of disagreement among other things). We share a DD she is 8. Now living in separate houses thank god and have a schedule of 50/50 ish. He is being a nightmare to coparent with though and I really don't know what to do. This week I wanted to sort out the summer holidays so our DD can have a nice break, unlike last year which was a totally shit show as he wouldn't communicate properly!.

He became really abusive on text while trying to sort out the hols. Before it escalated I asked that we speak face to face or on the phone as he's a total keyboard warrior and wouldn't say what he really wants to to my face and I know things can get misconstrued. He has said he is uncomfortable talking to me in person or on the phone. I can't carry on with the texts they are awful, I'm constantly anxious about when the next horrible one is coming. I've told him we will have to email now but he's refusing, hates being told what to do. I really don't know what to do next. If I take him to court to try and get a plan for the holidays, birthdays, Xmas etc (which we don't have at the minute which means extra communication every time!) it will probably anger him and I just don't know what he is capable of since he has turned in to a bit of a lunatic. He will probably threaten to leave the country and go back home and I'm not sure I can risk that as it will devastate our daughter. I can't carry on like this , I dread every holiday. Any advice much appreciated x

Doesn’t sound like a great situation at the moment but you could
Use a parenting app

message him something like ‘I’d like DD week 1,3 and 5 of the summer holidays if your happy with 2,4 and 6, let me know if that’s ok as I will sort this out with work. Thanks’ - just be precise and to the point and if he comes back with bullshit then you can atleast hold your hands up and say you did all you could

do not dichas any other than child arrangements

is there a third party who would be willing to facilitate?

could drop off and pick up be done on a public place in the holidays ? And during school could pick ups be from the school so you don’t see him and he doesn’t see you

Don't go to court, but perhaps do suggest mediation.

He's allowed to have a boundary around phone calls - I have exactly that with my ex, I need it all in writing otherwise he lies and says I said things I didn't or that he didn't say things that he did.

Start an email just for child arrangements correspondence and keep it just for him and say no WhatsApp's unless urgent or pick up /drop off admin .

You can send an email with suggestions for summer eg week on week of starting with you and if you don't hear a response within a week you'll assume you're ok to start booking
Things on your suggested time with child.

Ps turn notifications off on the email account so you only check when you feel strong

I forgot to say he refuses to do mediation and he's not answering my emails!

So I was thinking maybe taking him to court just to get him to agree to communicating via emails or parenting app but not sure x

Well it sounds like court maybe best for you anyway get it all set in stone don't forget to add in the right to travel overseas Christmas and birthday on rotation so one year you get Christmas he gets birthday and vice versa any reimbursement for school uniform and big purchases etc etc and mothers/fathers day make it DETAILED including a parenting app for communication

@Theunamedcat I will do thank you x

Co-parenting app
Court
Make sure you hold the passport

He has asked my daughter to ask me if he can have her passport as he wants to take her to Spain, never even asked my permission! I pointed out he would need a letter from me to take to the airport in case he got stopped and that started a load of abuse!

Is he on her birthday certificate?

Is it such a bad thing if he goes back to his home country and never returns?

Just be assertive. Would you like DD weeks 1,3 and 5 or 2, 4 and 6?

@MyCyanReader It would be bad if he wants because although he's awful to me my daughter thinks the sun shines out of his arse, they are close I'll give him that.

He works nights so for the holidays we kind of have to do a day by day plan. It's really difficult and I'm expected to work round him. An example week in the holiday may go like this but I've not sent him my proposal yet-

Monday with him as it's his day off then i will pick her up about 4pm.
Tuesday - With my parents at my house while I'm at work. He will pick her up at 2 pm when he finishes work then drop her home about 7pm.
Wednesday - I would book holiday at work & have her all day.
Thursday - With my parents until about 2ish when he picks her up after work. I would pick her until about 7pm.
Friday - With my parents then he will pick her up about 2 then she will be back to mine at bed time.
Saturday -With me
Sunday -With him.

Now that I've written that out I think it looks like he is getting more time than me so might tweak it. Obviously I know it's bitty and must be annoying for her but struggling to come up with anything better, any ideas welcome!

Forgot to add some weeks I'm taking her away for a few days and he is taking her to Spain for 5 days so that's just a week where neither of us are going anywhere x

And yes sorry he is on the birth certificate x

My ex is a fucking nightmare with communication, it makes things so stressful, you have my sympathies. Currently ignoring my solicitors emails at £300 a pop 😞

I don’t ask him anymore, I just tell him, I’m having the kids XYZ, you can have them XYZ, I’ll book them into holiday club for X dates, if I don’t hear from you by the end of the week I’ll assume this is all fine. Then arrange, and have a plan B like grandparents lined up case he decides the week before that he actually can’t do it after all.

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred Bit off topic but I love your username, I'm still in love then Uhtred! Yep it's totally shit, I guess its the only bit of control they have left so they are going to try and push our buttons. Did you choose to go the solicitor route rather than court? I know he would ignore solicitor letters & it would be a waste of money but I think if they don't do what the court tells them to don't they get fined or something?.

Yes I've drafted an email pretty much saying that, if I don't hear from him after a week I will start booking stuff. I'm dreading the holidays knowing what last year was like, a total shit show!.