Physical affection only when TTC

[Angels1111]

My partner isn't particularly touchy-feely. Even cuddling in front of a movie doesn't particularly interest him. Which is fine with me normally, I've got used to it. He does show love in other ways.

But, he wants children, and I feel like TTC with someone who only shows interest when am ovulating really difficult. If we're going to be intimate, I'd prefer more regular touch and TTC being a natural expansion of that.

I don't know how to get through this impasse we have between us. I keep telling him how I feel but, although he says he wants the same as me, nothing actually changes (there is always something...its been hot, or we've been busy, etc etc) and lo and behold we are at the next month in the same pattern.
Equally, I've tried to be okay with things as they are but I'm not really.

To avoid a drip feed/anticipate some quns.... We have one DC 6. Married for 12 years. Things have been like this right from the start, we had the same argument when TTC with DC 6 and things got better for a while but then once I was pregnant physical affection stopped again.

His parents aren't particularly huggy with their kids or each other, so I really do think it's learned behaviour.

AIBU? Maybe I'm being too precious about this but I can't seem to, emotionally, change my feelings around it.

It's been 12 years. This is who he is. You'll have to decide if he is enough for you, or leave him.

I had a few friends try to set me up with a number of men who had hit a certain age and were desperate to start a family and all of a sudden wanted to settle down. No advice, but if your DH always just doing his duty, I can’t see things changing.

I had this with my ex and whilst I was pregnant, he had an affair

I'm trying to accept it, but it still feels awkward for me to DTD when it's the only physical contact we've had for weeks/months/years at a time.

So sorry to hear that

Maybe you should take a pause. This is a man who has behaved the same way throughout your relationship, he is not going to change. Before you get pregnant you need to decide if this is the rest of your life or not.

Get some contraception going for now. You are not just a vessel for his seed.

Slightly cautionary tale…
My DH sounds much like yours, loving in other ways, but not particularly affectionate/tactile but keen to have children. Looking back we were always more friends that occasionally had sex, but I was young, naive and didn’t see it at the time (and wanted to settle down and have children).
Anyway, 20+ years on, I’m mid/late 40s and we’ve basically lived like friendly, coparenting housemates since our youngest was born 9 years ago.
Overall, I have a lovely life. Gorgeous children, nice home, good career and a good friend to share it with. But I really miss sex and I do get resentful that basically as soon as I was done breeding, that was it!
Unless I want to break up a family, this is how it’ll always be 🥴 (to be honest, I think I’ll be out once youngest leaves school).
So my word of warning would be, he’s unlikely to change. Make sure you’ll be happy with a potentially sexless marriage once you’ve finished having children. If you want a second child, just go into with your eyes open.
There’s a sexless marriage thread on here, worth a read.

AHH that sounds tough. Tbh if there were snuggles under a blanket with a movie, kisses etc I wouldn't mind the sexless part. But there is barely any touch which I find really hard. With one DC already I think the ship has sailed on the marriage with sex part (unless I leave) but it confuses me that he's able to DTD with someone he's not particularly tactile with and I can't compute it

Honestly based on this, I’d stop TTC for now, maybe have a couple of therapy sessions on your own to work through your feelings.

Are you genuinely reconciled and happy to remain celibate for the rest of your life? Go without cuddles and kisses for the next 40 years? Because once you get pregnant that is the reality.

Personally I think kids do better with separated but happy parents. If I were you, I’d look at leaving, finding someone else who is affectionate and kind and makes you happy, and if you want another child perhaps do it with them in the future. I wouldn’t tie yourself even tighter to this man.

Not only is he not affectionate, he knows it is important to you and he doesn’t care. That is cruel. He thinks this is ok because you’re stuck with him. You’re not.

Stop trying to conceive for now. Figure out what YOU want.

Yeah, no, he doesn’t do any of the cuddly stuff.
I think my DH saw DTD to get pregnant as means to an end, once it was ‘achieved’ there was no need anymore 😂
Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t recognise the pattern. But we had 4 children in 10 years and I didn’t query why he didn’t want sex while I was pregnant or breastfeeding, I just assumed he found it off putting. Plus, with pregnancy, babies etc I was too tired to really notice!
Is your DH tactile with your child? Mine is not… if the kids go up for a cuddle, he’ll give them a quick squeeze. But I’m a big cuddler (not randoms, just friends/family!) so if one my children comes in my orbit they get a massive hug 😂
So far, all my kids are huggers too 😁

So you met

4-5 years of no sex or other touch (even in the very first month?)

TTC your child

No sex/touch for another 6 years

Now TTC again

Is that right?

Before we were married he was quite affectionate, we only lived together after marriage and then yes your schedule is exactly right

He's learnt to be tactile with DC because DC is VERY huggy but isn't naturally so. He never initiates the hugs himself

I can completely understand not noticing the patterns!

So he was tactile as a means to an end. He got what he wanted and then stopped because he thought that with a child in the mix you were trapped with him.

Where is your anger OP? He completely misled you.

This isn’t a change of drive or a blip. As proven by the fact that when he wants to breed again he’s prepared to DTDD (in this case do the dreadful deed)

Thanks for answering. Lack of physical affection is sadly not unusual from men but lack of interest in sex is. Do you think he has an extremely low sex drive? Could be down to low testosterone. Other things that spring to mind are porn addiction or secretly gay. Do you have a gut feeling?

Regardless, you probably will eventually end up leaving. If you want to wait until your DC is at uni/work before you do that you have 12 years on the clock right now. Another DC resets that clock.

Do you really want another child, or is your DH driving this? If the latter Id say put the brakes on it for now.

Beyond that all you can really do is talk to him about it. Again. But even if he changes, could you ever feel like he really loves and desires you? If he did he shouldn’t need to be badgered into contact.

Sorry OP. I also have intimacy issues (just sex not wider affection) in an otherwise largely great marriage with DC. I know how bloody hard it is to think straight about it all.

My DH didn't come from a touchy feely family and I came from a very physically affectionate family! Over the years he has become much more comfortable with physical expressions of affection and will still kiss and hug our adult sons, though probably not as much as I do.

I think you need to keep talking to DH about how you need to feel connected to feel like being intimate with him. Engineer times to cuddle up and watch something together, ask him to scrub your back in the bath or give you a massage. Hold his hand or link arms when you go for a walk. It might feel a bit forced and even uncomfortable for him at first but he needs to work through it. It's learned behaviour - the more he does it, the more natural it will feel.