TW: self-harm. Relapsed after 10 years.

[koolkatxx]

Hi everyone,

I’m 25, and until very yesterday, I hadn’t self-harmed since I was 15. I was incredibly proud of that. A full decade clean. But yesterday, after a really tough build-up of stress, chronic pain issues, relationship problems and emotional overwhelm, I hit a breaking point. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I saw a razorblade in front of me. I picked it up and self-harmed.
The moment it happened, I regretted it. Immediately. I tried to clean myself up as best I could but it was worse than I thought. I went straight to my husband and told him. He was visibly shocked and disturbed- I’ve never seen him look at me like that before. He told me he was scared, and for a moment, I genuinely thought he might leave me. The shame I feel right now is immense.
I want to be very clear: I am not suicidal. I’ve already sought professional help in the past and I’m continuing to manage things as best as I can. This was an awful moment of weakness that I fully regret, and I have no intention of ever repeating it.
On top of all this, I have a holiday coming up in less than 4 weeks with my sister and a friend- people who absolutely cannot know about this. I have no idea how I’m going to cover my arm or how well the cuts will have healed by then. It’s stressing me out even more, and I’m at a loss about how to handle it.
I have no idea how to begin to repair the trust with my partner after something like this? And so stressed about covering up healing cuts in summer clothes, mainly at the pool tbh. I am sharing a room with them too so it will be almost impossible. I feel so incredibly stupid that I could do something like this to myself and cause my own self all of these issues and stresses now. I do not know if I am seeking advice or just a listening ear.
Thank you for reading. I just needed to get this off my chest.

The good thing is you've instantly regretted it which means it hasn't given you the same sense of relief or comfort as it did at 15, which tells me it won't happen again. Relapses happen unfortunately, but you've had such a strong reaction to this one, if anything it's showed you just how much you DONT want to live this life again! Is the cut something you blame something else on? Blender, straightener burn, knife accident, garden mishap. Sometimes cuts aren't possible to hide so a lie this once is probably best. I self harmed for 15 years (clean now) and every time I have a plaster on my family freak out 😅 understandably, but sometimes it is just pure clumsiness. Could that work ?
Also, be kinder to yourself 🫶 you're doing amazing.

Thank you for your kind message and I'm so glad you are clean now! Unfortunately not, They're all over my inner arm from my wrist to my elbow 😓it's not just one or two cuts that I could pass off as an accident. I am just hoping they somehow magically heal by then or I will have to come up with an excuse as to why I am wearing long sleeves constantly. I am making sure to use antiseptic wipes, savlon cream and non-stick dressings at the moment so they can start to heal soon

Oh no, you poor thing, big hugs! I self harmed for about 8 years I think, it’s been over 25 years since I last did it. A good lie might be the best plan. Could you have been helping a friend catch very distressed can and getting it into a carrier to take to the vet? Depends how deep the cuts are, but if they’re more like scratches by the time you’re on holiday that might work. I say I fell of my bike as a kid and landed on broken glass, but my scars are on the outside of my arm. If your sister knows your history though maybe it would be best to be honest with her in private.

Thank you for your kind words and support 💛 I really appreciate it. I did mention just above that unfortunately the cuts are all over my inner arm from wrist to elbow, so it’s not really something I can pass off as a one-off scratch or accident. I think I definitely am going to have to stick with long sleeves and hope they fade as much as possible before the trip. I’m not sure about being honest with my sister yet, but I’ll think about it. Thanks again for your comment 😢

You could get some silicone scar tape from a pharmacy or amazon. Hopefully would help with healing and also covering up without having to wear long sleeves. If they are covered, then you could say you were pruning roses and got cuts all up your arm.

Keep them uncovered so they scab over and dry out, sudocrem is good for cuts and don’t pick at them, hopefully they’ll be healed soon

I have used flesh covered pressure bandages like these before - this was once wounds were healed but were still red and angry looking. Flesh Tubular Support Bandage... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B011L08TCI?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

I was able to say that I was protecting an oven related burn from the sun.

That won’t work forever, and those who know your history might ask more or wonder - but it might get you through.

Also - a good coverup foundation may also work - there are some that will cover tattoos so would also cover scars

Order a muscle support from amazon and just say you're hurt your arm and have to keep it on. Or a tuby support as suggested.

OP, please breathe and don’t feel shame for what you have done in one moment. You have made tremendous progress and will continue to do so.

For your DP, I’d suggest you both calmly discuss what happened, and recognise it might be shocking for him. Make clear what recovery steps you have in place or would like to pursue, and invite him to be aware of and support these.

For your sister and friends, the scars will be as they appear: and I hope they recover. If they haven’t there are plenty of floaty tops, etc, but I do wonder if you (maybe with your partner) could contact your sister and let her know. It must be better to be prepared and on the front foot vs her noticing and being also caught off guard. It likely the secretiveness will be as much of a concern for her as the action, IYSWIM.

for yourself, which is the most important: I’m sure you’re already reflecting on why you have done this. Be kind to yourself and as you need seek your therapies and other support. It sounds like you were silent for so long, and so thinking about how to address your triggers is important, but in a way that does not lead you to spiral or compound those feeling that will keep you feeling bad.

I am sending you only good wishes

Can I go into the pool with this?

Thank you so much for your kind words I really appreciate this and appreciate your advice too x

Probably, might not be very comfortable when it's wet like. You'll need backups.

I actually genuinely have scars on the inside of my other arm from a vicious pet rabbit I had as a child, which is what got me thinking this might work. I think someone else’s suggestion of some form of tube bandage or brace is a better idea though. I expect googling for waterproof braces will turn up something. As other have said, unless they’re still bleeding keep the cuts uncovered and dry as much as possible to aid healing. Too much cream or keeping a dressing over it will prevent the scab drying out.

This might be ok in the pool: 20LY 1 Pair Stretchy Forearm... www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08P1VJ27Q?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share