To worry DS isn’t having the best childhood

[Youreai]

I don’t know if DS is having the childhood he deserves. He’s 2.5 and goes to nursery four days a week. He seems to enjoy it generally. Dp works away so we have family time at weekends and then in the week it’s me and ds and I am massively routine based and so sometimes I wonder if he feels the weeks are too regimented.

We read two or three books before bed, I try and cook decent food for him when he’s home from nursery around 5pm. At weekends we take him on walks or days out. But he’s only been on a couple of beach holidays and sometimes I worry he’s not getting the most out of life. Since he was born me and DP have had a couple of arguments that ds has overheard which I feel horrendous about and worry they will have impacted him.

I had a bit of a rocky childhood from an emotional perspective and so I tend to over analyse this sort of stuff. I want him to be happy and feel safe and loved and sometimes I worry I’m just getting through the days and maybe not doing what I need to. He’s my first. Any ideas or criticisms etc hugely welcome. I just want to do the best and I feel worried he will look back and think there were things missing from his childhood

Honestly it sounds like you are doing a great job.

You care about what he eats
You care about his feelings
You care about his experiences

I found my own childhood came back with a vengence when I became a parent. Like you mine was rocky. I had some councelling to support me thorough the emotions it was stirring up.

I heard a speaker many years ago who said that to being up rounded adults as parents we only have to get it right 49% of the time. It stuck with me as thats not even half..

It sounds like you're doing a great job. He's only 2.5 - he doesn't actually need holidays and other grown-up stuff. What he needs is to feel loved and looked after, which you're giving him in spades, so don't worry. Going to nursery won't hurt him and nor will sticking to a routine.

It sounds like you're doing great. Nobody is perfect.

No need to travel to give your DC experiences but there are loads of things to do locally: museums, gardens, farms, experiences.... many of them completely free. I try to take DC on as many adventures as possible, they seem to enjoy it! I know i loved that kind of thing as a kid.

Sport clubs also exist for that age and my similar aged DC does two - they absolutely love it.

Your DS is safe, looked after and loved. I think that’s all kids need. And they love routine, it makes them feel safe and in control. You’re doing great, it can’t be easy with your partner away in the week. He’s got plenty of time for big life experiences – toddlers are happy exploring anywhere, so try not to stress about holidays. And two beach holidays in 2.5 years sounds plenty!

He’s only 2 ½. You’re giving him everything he needs. Just try to be present and enjoy his childhood, but don’t beat yourself up about the times when you’re just muddling through. Sometimes parents argue. If it’s within the bounds of normal ups and downs of life, try not to worry. Torturing yourself that you’re not doing a good enough job is not good for your son- if he could tell you himself, he’d say “ease up on yourself mummy, I love you and daddy and I love my life.”

How many holidays would any 2 year old realistically have been on? Unless they're Paris Hilton's kids. It sounds like he's have a lovely, stable childhood.

I know a few people who had bad childhoods and found when their kids got to that sort of age it all came back up for them. Might you consider therapy if you haven't already?

Obviously the arguments need to not happen but you clearly know that already

It all sounds good OP. Most children benefit from a stable routine so don't worry about that. It sounds like you are really hard on yourself so try to be kinder to yourself.

Op it sounds to me as if you are bringing your childhood trauma into your day to day parenting and it's making you anxious.

I recommend this book. - The Whole brain child - by Daniel Siegel - which is a parenting book that as I recall reflects on how we bring our own issues to play.

I also really recommend the book They Fuck you Up - by Oliver James - it had quite a profound impact on me. It's a basic run down on how our upbringing affects us.

re. arguments in front of your child - it's normal for humans to disagree - to argue/ bicker/make up again. My parents didn't argue at all and then suddenly they broke up - that was a lot more traumatising for me than seeing healthy rows/ adults who know how to reconnect again after a row etc, who can fall out and show the children around them that it's okay they still love each other.

I try to just tell my kids that me and daddy argue, that we are sometimes unreasonable, sometimes we lsoe control of our emotions - but we never hold grudges - that's really important.

Have you ever had therapy for your childhood? as you are otherwise in danger of letting it really affect your day to day life.

be proud, you doing great 👍

You sound like a good mum to me. Mine at that age liked having a routine and knowing what was coming next, also loved nursery. 2 is still so small and theres time for holidays etc. You could try picking one family activity a month like going to a petting zoo etc to do something out of the routine. But honestly I think one of the most important things a child can have to turn out fine is a stable loving family. He’s still got lots of learning to do about his immediate environment, thing to bear in mind is they are born with close to zero knowledge of the world, so sticks and leaves are still very exciting, you could collect some and help him make a lear collage etc. I really don’t see anything wrong here.

A few arguments are not going to damage him, as long as he sees that you make up and are kind to each other thats what matters. Zero disagreements is almost impossible, most people argue at some point.

What in your mind is a ‘good’ childhood?

To me it’s a feeling of safety: your routines will help a lot in that regard. Arguments less so but on the flip side it’s also about how you resolve them ie modelling good ways of dealing with your emotions will help him know how to deal with his.

And of course it’s a feeling of being loved: and it’s clear you love him.

I wouldn’t class multiple holidays as a ‘good’ childhood, more as a ‘privileged’ childhood. We’d all love to offer our kids ponies and exotic holidays etc etc but not being able to afford them is out of our control. Let go of the worry of things you have no control over.

You and your DP and your DS are all doing just fine. You are worrying way too much. understand. I had a lot of anxiety when DC were small about things I now realise are 100% fine. I'd love to reassure you, so I hope this does:

Children love routine. Nothing makes them feel more secure than a fairly regular routine.

Holidays don't matter until they are older. They don't even remember them. A day in the garden aged 2 or 3 is just as fun as a week at the beach. My DC remember the big foreign holidays they went on as teens, not the damp cottages in rainy Wales (thank God).

Most important - and it took me a long time to realise this is true: people argue and get tired/sad/grumpy/upset. It is not only okay for DC to see this, it is important. Don't feed them the toxic positivity myth that the only legitimate emotion is happiness. That really screws them up when they have to deal with their own emotions. Obviously lots of rows are not healthy, but the occasional row is 100% fine. What matters most is how you come back from it. If you and DP argue and he sees this, you make up with each other. You tell DS that you had a fight because you were tired/in a bad mood, and that was sad but you both apologised and had a chat so you understood the mistake and now you've made up. You hug in front of him, and say you love his dad in front of him (and DH says the same about you.) This teaches him big emotions can be soothed and put back on an even keel, and that it is important to apologise to people you upset, and to make up. Same if you shout at him or cry in front of him. You show you can recover your stable emotional state, explain simply, apologise, let him know everyone gets upset sometimes and it is often because they are tired or hungry or feeling ill or worried about too many things at once. Then make up and show him how to recover from negative emotion with self care and respectful kindness to anyone you upset.

Your usual week sounds 100% fine. If you want to inject a bit of fun into it, why not have a Funny Friday where you do something different at the end of the week (or a Merry Monday if you feel more rested after the weekend, at the beginning of the week.) On that day you do something different - take a picnic tea to the playpark if it is fine, or snuggle up together and have a TV dinner watching his favourite cartoon. Don't force it. Ask if he'd like it. Most of the time, they want the familiar cosy routine.

I worry like you @Youreai and also had a horrible childhood. My oldest is now 6, so he can tell me and I can see better the things that really have an impact on him, that he'll remember forever. It's not days out or holidays (he doesn't remember those), it's having a movie night in bed with me and his sister, the halloween party i threw for them and their friends, being allowed to stay up later occasionally and do some of my crafts. The time we made a book.

It's about time spent together, love, and being heard. It's more than most children get I think sadly. You sound like you're doing great :)

You sound like you are doing an amazing job! My DD is now 11 and I’m realising now how a fair bit of my childhood was not ok, certain behaviour was normalised and has created a sense of anxiety I find hard to shake. This realisation has come through how I’m trying to be the best mum I can be and while not always getting it right its making me see what I didn’t have as a child (not in the sense of material things). It’s like a veil has been drawn and I can suddenly see things clearly for what they were. I don’t blame my parents, I can see as an adult that they did the best they could in their circumstances. I’m thinking to start therapy to try understand it all better. It might be worth considering this. Best wishes x

This sounds very much like my children’s childhood. They’re 11 and 7 and their dad, my DH, frequently works away. We were almost military like with routine when the kids were younger toddlers. It’s worked a treat tbh. They’re still doing shower and bed at night and both have always just gone to bed with no real fuss.

children crave routine and consistency and you’re doing a great job of providing that.

You sound like a great mum - don’t be so hard on yourself

It sounds like a nice childhood! If you argue, as long as it's not physically or verbally abusive, then that's completely normal. It's good to model making up and showing you still love each other.

Kids love routine. Or at least mine do! My daughter loves nursery, enjoys weekends at the park etc. she also enjoys visiting family. She goes to the farm every now and again.
i think she has a nice life! I could have her at home all the time but she gets so much out of nursery. We could take her on expensive long haul trips - but honestly they would waste our money and time.

Please indulge me in telling you a story…

A few days ago I was sobbing because I felt my 3 year old wasn’t getting the best of me & DH, because we’ve had nothing but shit thrown at us since he was born so are permanently in survival mode. (Death of a parent, parent cancer diagnosis, DH months long stay in hospital etc)

Later that same day I was taking a video of my DS fully naked going down his slide into his paddling pool in the back garden, and he happily shrieked at the top of his adorable little 3 year old voice “I’m so happy with my life!!” It honestly felt like a sign from God (who I absolutely do not believe in)

OP your 2 year old is so happy with their life. I promise you. Soon they’ll be old enough to tell you.

Ps I’m aware this story sounds made up but I promise it’s not! He said those EXACT words right when I needed to hear them.

Me too. When they started school it hit me massively… all those feelings I’d moved on from came back with a vengeance.

One thing that helped me was ready that what children need is resilience. To build resilience, they just need one person who’s face lights up with the child walks in the room because their day/life is better because this wonderful child exists. Loving them just the way they are, letting them be the best version of themselves and loving the worst version of themselves just as much.

I also struggled with not being overly emotionally involved as they got into teens years and needed their mother to back off. But that was also fine - as they had the confidence and skills to tell me to butt out!