Is it time to call it a day

[KIlliePieMyOhMy]

So I went to see my dad today.
He is in a nursing home - fully compos mentis.
He had a fall at home before Christmas, went to hospital and then the home.
He has not been out of bed since. He does not want to get out of bed.

My mother died 4 fours ago and my sister lives very near him. I was far closer to my mother.
My sister is currently on holiday with her husband and son, they are abroad for three weeks.

The drive to my father's nursing home takes five hours each way. I have done this there and back today.

My father refuses to have a mobile phone so there is no way to contact him directly. When he lived at home I phoned him every day at 6pm. Spoke for anything from five minutes to an hour. I moved out of home at the age of 21 and am now 56. In those years he and my mother visited me a total of 4 times. I have been far nearer to them that I am now.

I have a very soft voice. When I got there today I could tell he wasn't hearing me and moved to be closer to him. He mentioned a few times that he couldn't hear and I ended up almost shouting. My throat sore from the effort.
In the conversation he mentioned how my sister deserved her holiday as she did so much for him. She lives 10 minutes at the most from the home and does not work.
I work full-time.

Just before I leave, after about an hour, where the conversation is stilted as it always is, as I have never believed my father likes me. He explains how any money he leaves will be split three ways, between my sister's two children and me - her youngest child is still at primary school. I have no children.

I suppose my question is - should I keep making an effort? Not based on the money, but that he just doesn't like me and conversation is never flowing. I think he believes that my bit of Scotland is 20 minutes from where he lives. I am exhausted. Get no credit for going and he clearly likes my sister more.

Sorry for being ranting.

Don’t think that way about your dad if you’ve had a good relationship until fairly recently.
He must be deteriorating to be in a care home and clearly he must be on deaths door.
you live 5 hours away and he thinks you live 20, but you don’t think he’s lost his mental ability?

I think you should still make an effort to visit, as you might regret it later if you don't. Ten hours driving in a day for a one hour visit is way too much, though. How is your relationship with your sister, would staying overnight with her to break the journey up be an option? It doesn't sound as if he doesn't like you if he was happy to answer the phone to you and have a conversation of up to an hour each evening previously?

I think you must do what is best for you OP.
If your father doesn't value your visits then I don't see the point of making all that effort when you are clearly exhausted and he isnt really interested in your company.
Don't keep on going just because you feel it's expected of you.

Of course he will be grateful if he sees your sister lots - she doesn't have to visit him, but chooses to.
Does the Nursing Home not have a phone that they can take to patients? I thought they all did, based on experience.
Obviously 5 hour trip, there and back is a lot.
I don't think I could just decide not to see my parent again, when they are stuck in a home.

He's not got out of bed for 6 months because he doesn't want to? He's clearly depressed and you want to just abandon him, how unfair. If you were at your lowest and your friends decided you were too much effort, how would that feel to you?

I understand the stilted conversation, he doesn't go out or do anything to talk about and he's a different generation so you probably have different interests. But can you talk about his old interests, or bring photos in of your childhood to prompt memories of happier times? Even better, music is great for unlocking memories in people with dementia, so as you say he's totally wth it, getting him talking about favourite bands, concerts he's been to (if any of course), should be easy.

And ask any questions about war service, his childhood, anything you want to know because all too soon it will be too late then all you'll have is regrets.

I know it's an effort but please just keep going as I think you'll not forgive yourself for not making more effort when he's gone.

Oh and if the care home will allow it, get a camera in his room, set the app up on your phone and then you can log in to his camera and talk to him through it and he can respond, so no mobile needed.

Honestly this doesn't sound so bad that id not bother. Do the right thing, I think, and visit when you can.

I guess you took the will comment as a dig at you not having children, but it might have just been chat?

Unless there's anything else, just suck it up girl, he won't be here forever and maybe go in with a lighthearted energy and try to get to know who he is now? What he likes. Maybe some jokes you can share or games you can play together?

Kindly, yabu, but I understand xx

You don't have to justify yourself. Unless you have a difficult relationship with your parents it's impossible to understand. I'm not sure what the money comment is about though. It sounds like your sister is the one getting shafted there as she gets nothing?

When money has been previously mentioned it was always going to be split between my sister and I, so I think that threw me completely.

I'm sorry if I gave the impression he doesn't know that Scotland is five hours away, he does.

I think my issue with the phone is that the home told him he could have one in his room and we offered to buy him a mobile. He said no to both of these things, which has resulted in the fact that I can only speak to him when I visit him. So I feel I have been cut out of the conversation, but physically and metaphorically.

I think his getting out of bed is simply that he doesn't have to. My mother would bring him his meals and drinks etc and now the home do exactly the same. He has been asked if he wants to go to the day room etc, but refuses.

I actually think you sound rather cold and conveniently thinking this after the mention of money. I don’t like all this going low contact (unless with good reason). Just go & see him for his sake.

Ge’s old, probably scared and isn’t getting out of bed?! Put yourself in his shoes.

Nothing in the post says to me he doesn't like you. He is an elderly man who is probably depressed and loosing his hearing, of course conversation isn't going to be flowing. There's nothing wrong with saying that your DS deserves a holiday, I've said that about other people too and it was never with the intent to put down the person I was talking to or due to me not liking the person I was talking too. The money being divided between you and his GC seems perfectly reasonable to me, it's going three ways and your DS isn't getting any so how that could amount to him preferring your DS I do not know.
If the drive is too much for you fair enough, it's a huge drive. It seems like you are looking for faults in your father though to reduce your feelings of guilt.

Now he is hard work you want to drop him? YABU.

Can your sister videocall while she is visiting so you can join in without having to travel all the time?

What have the home said about him not getting out of bed? Remaining in bed increases care needs to avoid pressure sores etc so surely they haven't just said it's fine?

Has he been assessed by the mental health team?

Tell him to leave your sister all his money as she is the one that actually bothers with him. That is the only way you can ‘call it a day’ and retain any shred of moral integrity.

Have a go at posting in the Elderly Parents section. You'll get advice from other people at a similar stage of relationship.

Are you sure about this? I have experience of a relative in 3 different homes and in each I could call the landline and they would take a cordless phone through to the resident. At least this would mean you could say hello to him sometimes.

Why not send him letters or cards. When I worked in a nursing home residents loved receiving these.
When my uncle was in a nursing home before he died I looked through old photos I had and selected a few relevant to him, I know he enjoyed them.

You're getting some tough responses here, OP. I think a lot of people have a rosy view of what faithful, selfless and attentive helpers they will be in the event that their elderly parents become stubborn and cranky.

How often are you visiting? Don't go there and back in a day, that's mad. Stop over with your sister when you can, or stay in an airbnb or something.

I agree with a PP's suggestion of sending cards / letters if he's insisting on making it impossible to call him. Everyone enjoys receiving post.

There's very little you can do to cheer someone up who's not feeling up to getting out of bed or engaging with the world. Sometimes people just start to turn their face towards the wall. As people face physical infirmity and a bit of cognitive decline, they can get curmudgeonly and tactless and say unpleasant things.

Sometimes you're only really visiting to soothe your conscience - because they don't seem to enjoy the visits, or they might even be actively irritated by them.

It's hard. It's perfectly reasonable to make your filial obligations as comfortable and manageable as you can for yourself.

Yes. How frequently do you go? Can you nut stay the night at your sisters? Maybe keep it at once a month, or less. But I’d still go.

Surely your sister finds it difficult that he doesn't have a mobile phone too? What does she say?

You're being quite martyrish about the 10 hours of driving.

You clearly have an extremely distant and dysfunctional relationship with your Dad and object to him including his grandchildren in his will. But I don't think he's entirely the bad guy here.

I'm sure you could arrange a call to the nursing home landline so you could speak with dad. A pre arrangement with date and time

He’s incredibly lonely so please don’t give up on him. What about sending a weekly postcard? You can do it online, upload your own images so it’s more personal, all without even having to go to the Post Office. Maybe get images of places you’ve been to with him to help with the connection. You could also arrange to ‘accidentally’ call your sister whilst she’s visiting, and she can conveniently need a trip to the bathroom. All ways to increase the connection without having to visit more often than you do. I also second staying overnight when you go and get two shorter visits in.

He’s incredibly lonely so please don’t give up on him. What about sending a weekly postcard? You can do it online, upload your own images so it’s more personal, all without even having to go to the Post Office. Maybe get images of places you’ve been to with him to help with the connection. You could also arrange to ‘accidentally’ call your sister whilst she’s visiting, and she can conveniently need a trip to the bathroom. All ways to increase the connection without having to visit more often than you do. I also second staying overnight when you go and get two shorter visits in.

This is definitely about the money , seriously @KIlliePieMyOhMy youve made very little effort . Do you write , do you ring the home every few days to see how he is and ask them to convey a message ? You sound like you are not keen on your sister , why does the fact that she doesn’t work out of the home mean that she has more responsibility for your parent ?