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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums husband suddenly angry

31 replies

GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:38

I will start off by saying I really like my stepdad. They have been together ten years. He retired about 7 years ago at 55.
My mum is 62 and still working full time. She is very active, fit and mentally enjoys her job.
In the last year, my stepdad has been grumpier and losing his temper more and more. I think he might have the start of something cognitive.
He gets very snappy at my mum when she is in his way, or tries to help or gives advice. He also gets angry at systems he doesn’t understand like pay at the pump or anything with technology.
Recently he was talking about my mum in quite a negative way and said ‘well she messed it all up when she decided to keep on working, she was supposed to be retiring at 60 but she didn’t want to, so she messed up my retirement, I’m just wasting my life waiting for her now’. There was nothing light hearted or loving in the way he said it.
It makes me wonder how he is when I’m not there and if there is this simmering resentment. Is this really it for her now? Does she just have to stay and watch him get angrier and more short tempered? What if it is dementia?
Do I speak to her about it?

OP posts:
Dramatic · 22/06/2025 21:41

Have you got any siblings you can talk to? See if they've noticed similar? But yes if it was my mam I'd talk to her about it, it does depend on what your relationship with her is like

Original poster
GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:44

No no siblings

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 22/06/2025 21:49

Did they have a conversation about retirement? If it was agreed by both of them that she would retire at 60 but she took a unilateral decision to keep working I can see why he might be a bit pissed off.

That's what's happened in a couple I know and he can sometimes be heard saying plaintively 'I would like to spend some time with my wife'.

Edit - and things get bad tempered in their house too as a result.

Original poster
GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:52

@Gymnopediebut surely it’s everyone’s right to reconsider or change their mind? Especially women. Similar to if a couple agree for one to be a stay at home parent but then chooses to go back to work? My stepdad had every right to leave if he didn’t want a wife who worked

OP posts:
steff13 · 22/06/2025 21:53

If this is new behavior I'd be concerned about dementia. I would speak to her about it; I think they need to talk to his doctor.

Original poster
GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:53

@steff13it is pretty new but I guess the retirement thing is also new too as she’s only 62

OP posts:
steff13 · 22/06/2025 21:56

GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:53

@steff13it is pretty new but I guess the retirement thing is also new too as she’s only 62

Yeah, but I would consider a medical thing before I'd jump to him just being resentful. Especially in light of his struggling with technology. He may be getting angry to cover not understanding or remembering how to do things.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/06/2025 21:57

Talk to your mum. If you’ve noticed, she’s definitely noticed. You need to be careful to not make her feel like she has to defend him to you, but you say you like him and presumably she knows that. I’d phrase it that this behaviour is really not like him.

Original poster
GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 22:01

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNinethanks that’s a really good way of putting it. I hate seeing them argue as I really like both of them.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 22/06/2025 22:05

GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:38

I will start off by saying I really like my stepdad. They have been together ten years. He retired about 7 years ago at 55.
My mum is 62 and still working full time. She is very active, fit and mentally enjoys her job.
In the last year, my stepdad has been grumpier and losing his temper more and more. I think he might have the start of something cognitive.
He gets very snappy at my mum when she is in his way, or tries to help or gives advice. He also gets angry at systems he doesn’t understand like pay at the pump or anything with technology.
Recently he was talking about my mum in quite a negative way and said ‘well she messed it all up when she decided to keep on working, she was supposed to be retiring at 60 but she didn’t want to, so she messed up my retirement, I’m just wasting my life waiting for her now’. There was nothing light hearted or loving in the way he said it.
It makes me wonder how he is when I’m not there and if there is this simmering resentment. Is this really it for her now? Does she just have to stay and watch him get angrier and more short tempered? What if it is dementia?
Do I speak to her about it?

Of course you speak to her about it.

myplace · 22/06/2025 22:10

The thing is, if he’s declining, then she really has spent some precious time at work where he’d hoped to be adventuring - or just pottering around garden centres- with her.

DH and I don’t share hobbies and aren’t particularly looking towards retirement together. We probably want to holiday a bit more though. If he stayed at work until I was suffering physical or cognitive decline and I couldn’t holiday any more, I’d be pissed off. That’s what you’ve been looking forward to. We don’t have all the time in the world.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 22/06/2025 22:11

GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 21:52

@Gymnopediebut surely it’s everyone’s right to reconsider or change their mind? Especially women. Similar to if a couple agree for one to be a stay at home parent but then chooses to go back to work? My stepdad had every right to leave if he didn’t want a wife who worked

Of course people have the right to do what they want and change their mind. People also have the right to be upset if they feel the rug has been pulled from beneath them.

Yes he could up and leave but that's a very simplistic view of a situation in a relationship

Original poster
GnomeDavid · 22/06/2025 22:17

I think my mum is scared of retirement. My stepdad doesn’t want to do much, and she will go stir crazy being at home. His current moods also aren’t helping and I think she takes a bit of relief in going to work and leaving him to it.

OP posts:
jetlag92 · 22/06/2025 22:20

I can see his point of view too. My dad died at 61 and you never know how much life you have left.
He probably wants to go travelling.

LittleGreenDragons · 22/06/2025 22:34

My mum is 62 and still working full time. She is very active, fit and mentally enjoys her job.

As an alternative view - where does he fit in her life? It sounds like he feels surplus to requirements which is okay for him to feel and they do need a proper chat to find a way forward if that is the case, however a worse thought is maybe he feels she is no longer centering him. Some men absolutely hate not being the centre of their partner's attention and start acting out to regain that attention.

Endofyear · 22/06/2025 22:37

I would start off by talking to your mum about it. It sounds like your stepdad might be depressed rather than the start of dementia but your mum might have noticed symptoms that you're not aware of. Retirement can be a trigger for depression, especially if your stepdad doesn't have hobbies and interests that fill his time and he feels like he's sitting there waiting for your mum to come home.

As an aside, I don't think your mum is unreasonable at all for wanting to keep working as long as she's enjoying it. I met a lady the other day who is still working in a finance role at the age of 82, she's sharp as a tack and told me she loves her job and it keeps her young! Your mum is probably looking at her miserable husband and thinking no way would she want to spend all day every day with him!

averylongtimeago · 22/06/2025 22:39

Perhaps she is concerned about not being able to afford to retire- she won’t get her state pension until she’s 67- does she need to continue to work to qualify for a full pension? Does she have a good enough private pension to retire on without waiting for her state pension?
She May feel that she would be too dependent on him financially if she retired.

Daisyvodka · 22/06/2025 22:41

Sounds like my mums partner, not retired yet but grumpy as hell. My mum has a full life, many friends, work and he hasn't got that (and doesn't want it, i dont think) and I think he is at risk of sitting down and never getting back up, whereas she will be busy forever, but she's been like this since they've been together and has made it clear she intends on being that way until she physically can't. I've been open with her my opinions on it, just because it comes up so much and she will mention it too, so I dont see the point in pretending its normal - i don't want her to think 'well that's just all men of a certain age' which is think she does believe, deep down! Its very sad.

Ponoka7 · 22/06/2025 22:42

Is he sleeping more? Has he got more saliva? There isn't only dementia to consider. My DP got more aggressive/negative, then started to sleep more and spit as he spoke. It was TIAs and the start of a brain tumour. Prostrate cancer in the over 55's, or other illnesses can cause personality changes. You need to have a talk with your Mum.

Dramatic · 22/06/2025 22:44

myplace · 22/06/2025 22:10

The thing is, if he’s declining, then she really has spent some precious time at work where he’d hoped to be adventuring - or just pottering around garden centres- with her.

DH and I don’t share hobbies and aren’t particularly looking towards retirement together. We probably want to holiday a bit more though. If he stayed at work until I was suffering physical or cognitive decline and I couldn’t holiday any more, I’d be pissed off. That’s what you’ve been looking forward to. We don’t have all the time in the world.

I wouldn't say most people are declining so badly by 65 that they can't do any travelling at all

Fairyliz · 22/06/2025 22:44

As a retired woman in my 60’s I’ve noticed a lot of men get very grumpy and set in their ways as they get older. They simply cannot cope with change in the same way and get annoyed at the most minor of things.
Thats why I always say no when posters ask if age gap relationships can work.

Gowlett · 22/06/2025 22:48

My dad is a bit like this. Retired at 60. Has fuck all to do!
Mum is busy & active. Not working, but involved in the community. Helps with the grandkids. Does plenty of sport.

He’ll sometimes hand me a menial task, darn a sock maybe, and then nag me about it. Even though I’m so bloody busy, hace my own family, etc… I know it’s much worse for Mum at home.

IdaPrentice · 22/06/2025 22:48

I also think it more likely he's depressed, and depression can manifest as grumpiness / anger. Some people find it hard when they retire, especially if their identity has been based on their occupation, and they suddenly are aimlessly at home with no sense of purpose and probably dreading a slow slide into old age and ill health. That doesn't mean it's OK for him to take his frustration out on her though!

Iceboy80 · 22/06/2025 22:49

I'm more concerned youre calling someone stepdad when you're probably a grown ass women, seems these titles nowadays are thrown around way to easily.

What the hell has gone wrong in thw world!

Icanttakethisanymore · 22/06/2025 22:55

Iceboy80 · 22/06/2025 22:49

I'm more concerned youre calling someone stepdad when you're probably a grown ass women, seems these titles nowadays are thrown around way to easily.

What the hell has gone wrong in thw world!

Huh?? Presumably she’s calling him her step dad… because he is? What else would she call him? He’s the man who married her mum. It’d be very confusing to call him anything else for the purpose of this post. She could call him ‘his name’ I guess, but then she’d have to follow up with an explanation of how she’s related to him.