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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters friends mum being verbally abused by her Dh.

8 replies

toohotoutside · 22/06/2025 13:55

I pulled up at the supermarket with 3 kids in tow so Dh jumped out and I stayed in the car with dc as we only needed a few essentials.
I didn’t realise at the time but I was parked opposite DD’s school friend.
As they walked out and got to their car he was shouting and swearing at her and calling her names, she proceeded to load the shopping in the boot and he was taking it back out and throwing it down calling her a stupid woman who couldn’t even pack shopping now.

They hadn’t seen me or dc but this was in our full view and their own children.
I always thought they were a nice family but the language and insults, he was talking her to her like absolute shit and quite aggressively, insulting her looks and intelligence.
I don’t know her very well, we chat at the school gates and have occasional play in the park after school or something so would consider us friends as we get along and our children play together and have siblings a similar age, we’ve sent our dd home with them for play dates which I’m not comfortable about seeing this.

Should I say I was there and offer support or leave it and not get involved?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 22/06/2025 13:58

I’d personally have to discreetly chat to her next time you see her, let her know what you witnessed and ask if she is ok, and if anything you can do. I couldn’t ignore it, as if something terrible happened i’d feel awful I didn’t at least speak to her. She may well downplay it, but all you can do is try, and have some sources to suggest, such as women’s aid.

CombatBarbie · 22/06/2025 14:01

I was that person..... except it never happened in public unless it was with my friends and family.

What was her reaction to it all? Non plussed and big sighs......she knows whats happening. Defending herself? Maybe its in the part where this is going to grind her down. Please do reach out to her, invite her for a coffee or pub lunch.....and be quite direct. I found it caught me off guard and didnt have enough time to think of my excuses to defend him.

icantgetnosheep1 · 22/06/2025 14:04

I’m not sure I’d have sat in the car and watched that play out to be fair.! I guess all you can do is discreetly let her know you see what you see - she’ll likely play it down anyway, but might open up.

Poopeepoopee · 22/06/2025 14:05

I would have got out of the car and intervened.

In fact, I've done this before. A young couple came out of the maternity unit with their newborn and all the mum and baby luggage. Although dad did carry the baby seat to the car mum was bogged down too with all the other stuff. Dad got into the drivers seat and sat there leaving mum to sort out the child seat and put all the luggage into the car.

I don't know if I was feeling especially brave that day but I walked over and said to him, "you can't just sit in the car, you have to help her with the baby and everything else ". To be fair, he just looked a bit sheepish, pretended like he was just about to anyway.

She looked beat down - didn't even look up at me.

Changes100 · 22/06/2025 14:18

@Poopeepoopee
Whereas I understand the natural iimpulses to intervene I always thought that the danger is that intervening can result in the woman's situation being made worse. That when the couple are alone again the abuse will be worse.

I think the advice OP has had to talk to this woman away from her partner is the correct way to handle this .

June2025 · 22/06/2025 14:20

Poopeepoopee · 22/06/2025 14:05

I would have got out of the car and intervened.

In fact, I've done this before. A young couple came out of the maternity unit with their newborn and all the mum and baby luggage. Although dad did carry the baby seat to the car mum was bogged down too with all the other stuff. Dad got into the drivers seat and sat there leaving mum to sort out the child seat and put all the luggage into the car.

I don't know if I was feeling especially brave that day but I walked over and said to him, "you can't just sit in the car, you have to help her with the baby and everything else ". To be fair, he just looked a bit sheepish, pretended like he was just about to anyway.

She looked beat down - didn't even look up at me.

I am not sure whether this might have just added to the poor woman’s humiliation and made it a whole lot worse

Poopeepoopee · 22/06/2025 14:22

June2025 · 22/06/2025 14:20

I am not sure whether this might have just added to the poor woman’s humiliation and made it a whole lot worse

Show quote history

I'm not sure i should have done it either. We'll never know. I just know I was annoyed enough on that day to say something.

Perhaps he genuinely didn't know he's supposed to do it to. A lot of people are dragged up, not raised right. Sometimes they they need it explaining.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 22/06/2025 14:30

Poopeepoopee · 22/06/2025 14:05

I would have got out of the car and intervened.

In fact, I've done this before. A young couple came out of the maternity unit with their newborn and all the mum and baby luggage. Although dad did carry the baby seat to the car mum was bogged down too with all the other stuff. Dad got into the drivers seat and sat there leaving mum to sort out the child seat and put all the luggage into the car.

I don't know if I was feeling especially brave that day but I walked over and said to him, "you can't just sit in the car, you have to help her with the baby and everything else ". To be fair, he just looked a bit sheepish, pretended like he was just about to anyway.

She looked beat down - didn't even look up at me.

I would say this is a bit different. He wasn't being directly abusive and this was your only chance to intervene. Being generous to him he could have been a first time parent and oblivious to the needs of his partner. I think OP did the right thing not intervening then, in front of all the children too.

I would try to see if she would like to grab a coffee after drop off sometime and discuss it with her then. Highlight her options. Consider how far you are willing to provide support. If she needs someone to look after documents, give her shelter would you be up for that? You could also/ instead talk to the safeguarding officer in the school. Shouting in front of the children is a safeguarding issue.

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