If you are not close to the family you were born into?

[Getheregetthere]

I’m not close to my family of origin there was significant abuse in the family growing up and I went NC a long time ago. DH’s father was highly abusive and there is a lot of problems stemming from his family dynamics too.

DH and I are very close to each other and to our children and have a lot of friends but we don’t really do extended family. We accept the hand we have been dealt and have tried over many years to improve things but completely accept the level of relationship possible now.

This causes an awful lot of resentment from the family we have moved on from, we aren’t really faced with my family’s resentment although we hear it second hand as we are for the most part NC, but DH’s family there are issues which though understandable doesn’t feel like it is something we can fix.

How do people manage people who demand a closeness which does not really exist in their family? The behaviour and ongoing dynamics means that the closeness in relationships is still not possible. We just don’t want to tolerate the BS from them anymore.

AIBU to just want the relationship that is possible given the issues in the family

I’m not as distanced as you are but there are times when I wish I were! Logically, though, nobody can force you into a relationship. Ny definition, it takes two. So, surely if you don’t reach out to them and rebuff any suggestions emanating from them, there will be no relationship?

Yanbu at all and have done the right thing.

I just think, a simple 'we are estranged, we dont speak to them or about them', repeated as necessary, will do the trick. People will soon get bored of you ignoring them.

Well done for getting away and creating your own family. Its been 5 years for me and dd - i still get sad 😔, but no regrets xx

Seems you are overthinking it all. You’re both no contact so what does it matter what they say? Just carry on with your own lives

You and your H should only have the level of contact with your families that you are comfortable with.

You’re both no contact so what does it matter what they say? Just carry on with your own lives

Sorry we are not no contact with DH’s family we are pretty low contact with them which causes the resentment.

Can you not go full NC with DH’s family too so you don’t hear about the resentment?

I went NC with a sibling many years ago...
Caused a rift with DP's too as sibling could do no wrong.

Strained relationship with DP's but it's all on my terms now.

Sibling slated me off to everyone, openly even on social media, fortunately those that know them know exactly what they're like so pinch of salt type thing really.

Resentment was and is due to me not being at their beck and call anymore...always played the victim.

Best thing I ever done was finally saying enough and walking away.

Are you me OP? 💐

Low contact with DH's family and no contact at all with mine - various problems contributed to the families being dysfunctional: alcohol, depression, personality disorders, domestic violence.

It is sad not to have contact but it is better for us not to be continually damaged and stressed dealing with them
People with relatively normal families don't really get it, but if you know, you know.

I think often a key theme in dysfunctional families is a complete lack of self awareness / ability or willingness to reflect on things. My husband's family are problematic in many ways and we did quite a good job of being low contact for a long time. But there was always pressure for us to be more involved, for him to do more to reach out to various relatives etc with no recognition that actually the steps we were taking in keeping relationships a bit at arms length were actually maintaining those relationships and preventing them from complely imploding. It never seems to be enough to be polite, smile, turn up, and leave before things go to shit, if you're not in it, staying late, getting drunk with everyone, pretending to be best friends and joining in with all living in each other's pockets it's seen as a massive rejection. I wonder if it is similar that you are facing, OP?

I think all you can do is keep going, ignore the bullshit and don't let anyone guilt or bully you into doing things you don't want. Easier said than done! For us, we've currently been frozen out because we didn't do enough but really it's because the inner circle need to be in control and want to lead on the rejection themselves, they can't cope with us not following the unwritten rules and pulling away, even slightly. To be fair, it's probably a blessing for now.

Best of luck, and try not to think about them too much, I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous but I'm sure they can sense it.

It does feel so much better to not have to constantly deal with the issues and it is definitely the only sure fired way of moving on because you don’t have as much of the ongoing issues.

We have had the domestic violence and abuse but on that side enormous enmeshment and codependency issues too which are unbelievably draining to manage.

The other side is a total write off.

It is so sad that so many people have to experience that level of dysfunction.

I think often a key theme in dysfunctional families is a complete lack of self awareness / ability or willingness to reflect on things. My husband's family are problematic in many ways and we did quite a good job of being low contact for a long time. But there was always pressure for us to be more involved, for him to do more to reach out to various relatives etc with no recognition that actually the steps we were taking in keeping relationships a bit at arms length were actually maintaining those relationships and preventing them from complely imploding.

This is nearly identical to DHs situation. It is uncanny how these play out in such similar patterns.

Just do - or don't do - whatever works for you. There is no need for you to meet, answer phone calls, send messages etc unless that is what you want. Nobody can force you to have a relationship with them.

It's my family, my mother's side - we don't get a lot of pushback but we get my mother trying to be close to us. Happily for us, she's very lazy, so it's words only. But I wish it would just fucking stop. And I don't know how to make her realise that.

I suppose I deal with it by just not responding. I don't ever get into a discussion about 'the past'. It messes with my head to have any contact, even just a text, but until I ask her to stop, I just kind of have to cope.

The saying comes to mind...

"You don't walk away from someone to teach them a lesson, you walk away because you've learnt yours".

Make good friends and don't be afraid to cut the fily loose.
Friends are the family you choose for yourself.

YANBU, they don't regret the lack of closeness, they resent the loss of control. Move on and enjoy your new life.