How to deal with these nightmare parents

[housebound34]

A family live 3 doors down from us and have a ds the same age as ours. The kids have been through infants and juniors together and are now in year 7 at high school. Due to living in close proximity and the school runs, we’ve got to know the family fairly well over the years but wouldn’t call them friends. I have always found them very gossipy and judgmental, always have something to say about people and seem to have a lot of disagreements/drama.

Over the years I’ve observed their son being quite horrible to mine. Nasty comments, slyly trying to get him into trouble, he once took money from my ds and he once pushed him into an old man in the street which really embarrassed ds. Ds has other friends and just found this kid hugely irritating really.

Anyway this weekend it came to a head. The boys were out in a group on Saturday and neighbours son kicked my son hard on the shin deliberately, showing off to the other boys by the sounds of it. Ds had enough and shoved him and he fell the ground. I’m now getting texts from the family saying that although they know ‘boys will be boys’ they expect an apology from my son for hurting their son. I absolutely will not be apologising for my son retaliating to someone hurting him first and who in fact has been bothering him for years. I don’t think the parents have an idea how much of a shit their ds is and when I’ve raised issues in the past they have just played it down. Now however they think my son should be the one to apologise.

Knowing them as I do I’m sure they will gossip about this to neighbours and other parents, painting my ds as the bully and us are the unreasonable ones.

Can someone help me with a reply to them please. I also don’t want to bump into them in the street (which I usually do at least once a week) as I already know it’ll be classic ‘can I have a word’ stuff which I also can’t be bothered with. I’m not a confrontational person but I am sick of them and feel I need to advocate for my ds at this point.

I would say 'my son won't be apologising as your son kicked him hard first. ' I would stick to that if you see them on the street too. They sounds really awful. Hopefully in a larger school your son will be able to avoid annoying boy.

Good on your DS for standing up for himself.

"My son was acting in self defence after your son kicked him hard on the shin, other boys there will confirm"

This. Short and factual.

I would type

as you know from previous conversations your son has been nasty to mine on numerous occasions, starting it first. My so did nothing other than tell me and When I raised it with you you were simply not bothered. This time he kicked my son first, hard on the shin and enough is enough my son pushed him. If you won’t teach your son to be nice to others, that his behaviour is not acceptable then one day someone will retaliate as they have had enough of being his punching bag. Just be grateful we have never reported your sons assault on mine to the police. I will leave it with you to take matters forward with your son in the hope he will apologise to my son for all the times he has been nasty to him, and that he learns from this episode

I’ve raised issues in the past they have just played it down

You've obviously spoken to them in the past and your concrete played down.

I'd be stating that it has been going on for a while now, what their son has done to yours and any attempts by you to mention it to them in the past were ignored, and as I'm sure they'll agree there comes a time when a line is crossed and enough is enough, had they not of ignored your concerns and sorted the bulling at the time none of you would be where you are now.

Tell them that your DS has had enough and will now stand up for himself whenever anyone lays their hands, or feet on him he'll be giving as good as he gets and suggest if their son can't take it he learns to keep his hands and feet to himself.

Edited to add..

I'm sure all your neighbours already know what this family are like.

Just text back saying their son can come over to your house an apologise not only for starting this incident yesterday by kicking my son, he can also apologise for all of their previous incidents, bring back the money he stole and actually comprehend that actions DO have consequences

he once pushed him into an old man in the street
Horrendous and could have ended with the man being badly injured if he'd fallen. I bet the family didn't apologise to the old man.

Predictive text....concrete!!!

Concerns...

This.

"Better they stay away from each other going forward".

Tell your son to zvoid him as much as possible.
Let them gossip, people no doubt know what they are like.

I was in exactly the same position once, even the kick on the shin. Like yours my child retaliated and the little shit played the wounded innocent victim, his negligent mother suddenly and selectively observant and aggrieved. Tbh I was glad my child finally stood up for himself. Think no more of it and don’t respond to the parents. You’ll find your child is not the only one.

I wouldn't worry what the neighbours think. I'm sure they're perfectly aware what the family are like.

As for a reply:

"Hi neighbour,
Considering your son kicked mine first - which the other boys present can confirm, I think they're probably even. I've spoken to DS about the incident, and will assume you've done likewise with yours. I think it's best that they stay away from either other moving forwards and have told DS such.
OP."

I don't think it's worth bring up past ills, which presumably go back years. Focus on the latest incident, keeping it short and emotionless.

Dear Neighbour. If I came round and kicked you hard in the shin, I would fully expect you to give me a shove. No apology will be forthcoming from DS. The boys will just have to agree not to play in future.

No I don’t think my ds is the only child however I think he has targeted my ds in the past because overall he is a kind, popular kid and he knows he’s unlikely to retaliate. I have responded by informing them that their ds kicked mine first (which I doubt their son told them) and for that reason no apology from either of us will be forthcoming.

I suspect since they haven’t had the response they want from me they may escalate it with the school which doesn’t concern me since it didn’t happen in school time and I know from my ds that theirs has had numerous incidents of fighting, bullying and bad behaviour in school. Either way it’s fucking annoying for them to try and take the moral high ground with me when their son is such a little shit. But some people just can’t acknowledge that them and their dc could ever be the problem.

Yes, the little shit targeted my son many times. In my case it happened in the playground but being a teacher myself, knowing the previous problems he’d caused my son, his family’s reputation for dismissing his awful behaviour (always bleating “6 of one, half a dozen of the other”), I wouldn’t stand down. School will be wise to him. Don’t consider escalation for a minute. Other families forbade their children to have anything to do with him. This family is not worth your headspace. Support your son fully. Walk tall and walk away from them.