To think “mum guilt” is just internalised perfection dressed up as virtue?

[ThatTealOP]

I keep hearing people talk about “mum guilt” like it’s some unavoidable badge of honour, as if feeling guilty constantly makes you a better parent. But isn’t it often just internalised pressure to be perfect?

You didn’t ruin your child’s life by ordering takeaway or missing a meeting. You’re just holding yourself to an impossible standard and calling it “love.” AIBU to think it’s less about guilt and more about control and image management?

I just think it’s modern life pressure in general.

My mum was SAHM, as were most local women, when I was a kid (1980s). She never entered the school, or spoke to a teacher. She didn’t get involved with my friends or their mothers.

I think working, dealing with the mental load (Mum never paid a bill in her life), running the home. And raising the kids in the smartphone / social media era.Agree with what you’re saying!

I think ‘mum guilt’ is a totally naff element of the vanity parenting that exists these days. Mums love talking about it, makes them feel part of the sisterhood. It’s such a crap phrase.

I agree and it’s sometimes used to make other women feel shitty as well. I know I had some passive aggressive ‘oh I don’t know how you do it, I’d feel so guilty’ remarks when I worked FT and couldn’t attend school stuff. Funny nobody ever said it to DH when he couldn’t go.

100% 😭😭 its always some influencer trying to peddle their latest business

I think a lot of it is for show when the kids are little. I knew someone who "felt guilty" because she had fed her son some chips one time. Balls. She just identified very strongly with the perfect woman and this was her way of saying "I am nearly perfect, look at me, 99.9% of the time being so intentionally wonderful!"

But there are some things I feel guilty about, looking back. I did a lot of childcare and work was not possible when they were little, because of my husband's job. I was not happy about it, I felt it was just quietly expected of me and I had never seen myself in precisely that role. I was not always a happy mother and I feel guilty about that because it definitely came out at times.

It’s one of those phrases that really bugs me. I can’t be doing with people who love to martyr themselves when they’ve had kids. Like oh I couldn’t possibly enjoy a meal out with friends, mama would miss her babies too much. Makes my toes curl.

This has made me laugh as it is so true!

I had a friend when my DC were younger who was almost competitive in feeling the most mum guilt (she was also the biggest advocate of the sisterhood and the village, which is what made me think of her, whilst also being really bitchy and flakey). But I don't think she can really have felt that guilty because she never changed her behaviour or actions to do things in a way that would mean she felt less guilt. Just went on and on about it a lot.

I think there is some truth to what you say, but I don’t think I am a perfectionist and I probably did describe the pangs of handing my baby over to a nursery staff member for the first time as ‘mum guilt’, as my own mum stayed at home with us till I was 13.

It does describe something, but it is overused. And sometimes is used about things that don’t evoke any emotion at all, I suspect.

Let's find another way to criticise women, shall we? The strive for perfection is because women are under so much pressure.

We have to work full time, be ambitious and make as much money as the men, but also we're the only ones that can be pregnant and give birth, must be good mothers, lose the baby weight, go back to work ASAP, god forbid you are any less efficient and productive than before your baby, make sure you pay attention to your marriage and have plenty of sex, get as little childcare as possible and don't complain that you have zero input from grandparents/family and you have to do it all on your own.

Depends who uses it and why.

I have seen "mums guilt" from working mum who were missing sports day, nativity and so on. Hardly performing.

I don’t think it’s internalised perfection. I think it’s the perfection that everyone else expects from mothers. Most of it ramped up by other women.

I’ve lost count of the number of dismissive comments I’ve seen or heard and MN is a prime example of it.
”I could never live with myself if I used formula.”
”It’s honestly not that hard to keep a tidy house.”
”What is the point in having a child if you pay someone else to look after it.”
”I could never be so heartless to do any sort of sleep training.”
“Going to MacDonalds once a week is child abuse.”

And on and on. Women feel guilty because we have ridiculously high standards to live up to and we’re making it even worse.

I don’t feel a lot of mum guilt because I accepted very early on that I was not a natural mother and I’m therefore always going to fall short. It was important for me to determine what a good mother meant to me and also to remember not to take my measure against that as an average and not from one moment, when I might be falling below the level in that particular instance.

I think it's reflecting the judeo-christian element of our culture where women can't do right for doing wrong. Everyone is judging your parenting, when you're not doing too much you're doing not enough. It sucks. It's hard to let go of it because it's so pernicious and it feels like saying "I don't feel guilt because I don't care".

Yes, it's an impossible ideal and yet another way to control women.

I don't know anyone who talks about it like a badge of honour but I did read a book about american parenting where they suggested that culturally in the US they measure your worth as a parent proportionally to the sacrifices you make for your children. Which is all kinds of messed up.

I always assumed it was just about having conflicting wants and priorities as a parent?

I don’t have kids, and I love to go on holiday but I do feel a bit of guilt about leaving the dog for 2 weeks. I would imagine as a Mum I might feel that guilt (but presumably worse) every time I go to work or away with friends and I have to leave my children (as much as I need and want to do those things!).

I think it’s a bit of both. I think there are women who do feel guilty that they can’t spend more time / do more with kids because of working long hours. But I think it’s become such a normalised trope that there is a lot of posturing of mum guilt, that might not be genuine.

I don’t feel mum guilt myself. I think not feeling mum guilt should be normalised. I work to pay the bills, not to pay for holidays to Antigua. And even if I was working to pay for holidays to Antigua, I wouldn’t necessarily feel guilty about it. It’s a good to provide kids with nice experiences.

I feel a constant pressure to ‘get it right’, but as a child I was, on a couple of occasions, forgotten. I come from a big family, and I was left at brownies once, and my parents didn’t make it to a show at primary school. I was often the last to be picked up from parties etc. I knew that my parents were constantly busy and I didn’t blame them, but I did feel crushed and embarrassed. I feel intense mum guilt if I can’t attend every event for my DCs.

I don't really get the concept of "mum guilt". I feel sad if my children are unhappy or upset. Sometimes I'm responsible usually I'm not. If I am responsible ....well then I try to do my best to help them not to be unhappy or upset.

But it isn't guilt. Either I can try to make things work better - it's my Duty IF ITS IN My Human Power to make things work better - in which I don't need to feel particularly guilty. Or it wasn't my job to worry in the first place.

For example I don't drive very often. Do I feel mum guilt not to offer my child lifts everywhere instead of going by bus or walking ? No. I'm human I'm bad at driving. I'm also human so I just happen to be good at some other things like cooking well

I refuse to believe in it. Refuse to feel it.

Fuck that. I gave birth but I am still a human all of my own, with wants and needs and autonomy. A mum, but far from only that.

There’s no ‘dad guilt’ which puts it right into the fucking sea, as far as I’m concerned.

Ask yourself if the term dad guilt exists and you have your answer.

YANBU at all. “Mum guilt” often feels like love, but it’s really internalised pressure to be perfect in a role designed to be thankless. It’s not virtue—it’s emotional micromanagement dressed up as selflessness.
It keeps women stuck in a loop of self-blame, always feeling like they’re falling short, even when they’re doing more than enough. Letting go of guilt doesn’t mean you care less—it means you’re finally giving yourself permission to be human.

I could worry ."it's my Duty to be better at driving, be a role model to be a strong successful career woman, to be organised and efficient" but that's where madness lies, for me, anyway.

I wonder whether some people feel I should feel guilty for NOT doing these things.

It all boils down to...how does the life I live affect those around me?...and I know in the grips of guilt I would be a worse mother because anxiety would poison everything.

So I try to be do what I can, but I know I cannot be perfect

Thingsthatgo..my mum used to pick me up late from school due to trying to fit in various errands. I vowed never ever to keep my children waiting and I also made a point of not using childcare very often for the same reason - I hated being left myself with aupairs
But it isn't guilt that drives me. It's just wanting my children to have a better experience than me. In other ways their standard of living is far far lower.

I think what we call mum guilt, as if it's somehow unreasonable, is a re-prioritising of our values.

Actually I did feel guilty once. When I found my baby had lost loads of weight because he was latched on wrong and I had persisted with breastfeeding. I gave formula and sorted out the milk supply and cried a lot to those that would listen. That guilt was dreadful...to cause my baby pain. Maybe it is unavoidable to get things wrong as a parent. Maybe that's what we do learn.

But if we accept that there will be these terrible points, things we never imagined would go wrong, and don't just double down and go la la la but actually LEARN and move forwards, it's a cop out to keep talking about mum guilt ad infinitum.

If something's an issue do something to change the bad situation.

I agreed with your post until I read the one about why we are striving for perfection; because women are in fact constantly criticised and have to be everything to everyone. This isn’t internalised, it’s external. It starts with little old ladies telling you to put a coat on your baby, while cooing over your partner pushing the pram.

YANBU. It’s a very toxic narrative, along with the way anxiety is fetishised and encouraged amongst mothers. Very damaging not only to the women but the children as well.

If you are anxious about something that actually matters, why should anxiety be fetishized? If you are anxious that you are letting your child down and they are being let down...hungry scared unpopular ...(Tick as necessary)..what are you going to do about it?

That is the million dollar question. And it's the same question for fathers.

You’ve nailed it there I’d rather do work or child rearing or mental load. Now we have to do it all 😬😬😬