Really struggling with fact I probably won't have kids...any success stories of living happily?

[buzzheath]

Won't go into details, but due to various chronic health issues, it just doesn't seem to be on the cards...unless there's some breakthrough in medical science and treatment/a cure for my condition. Without that, there's no way I'd be able to be the kind of parent I'd want to be, or be able to deal with the day to day demands of being a parent.

I'm really struggling with the idea I won't have that close family unit. I love my niece and my friends' kids, but it's not the same. I feel like I won't have my own 'team', or people close to me who always have my back.

I still hope to find a life partner one day, but when online dating, etc, it seems that most men do want children. So feeling hopeless in that regard too. It almost feels like eventually I'll get to a point where I'll just think there's no particular reason to love. I don't mean that in a suicidal way, but just...not experiencing that deep, "I would do anything at all for this person" all-consuming love. The thought if painful.

I have hobbies, interests, an interesting job, and I volunteer. I have several friends that I see often. No partner yet, but I do hope this will happen. But regardless, I feel so down about this. It sounds so cliche, but I see the way my niece and my friends' children look at their parents, and knowing I'll never have that. I have wonderful parents and love them so deeply; far more than any friends or acquaintances could love them. It's just a different type of love. But I won't have a child to ever feel that way about me.

I'd love to hear from people who did want children, but didn't/couldn't have them, who have happy, fulfilling lives, filled with love and family.

I don't think most people are that fussed about their parents as adults (you only need to look at care home visits or lack thereof) so I wouldn't over romanticise that relationship tbh.

At my age (43) parenting seems the number one cause of anguish in friends' lives and I'm so happy that isn't me (secretly and quietly, obviously, I still want to be able to support them). These days it seems harder than ever.

This isn't to say your sadness isn't legitimate and you have processing to do but honestly one day I think you'll find your life is perfect as it is, free of kids.

(Loads of men don't want kids btw so you'll find someone)

Wait till those adoring little kids turn into teenagers who blame the parents who did their best for their "awful" childhoods. They also share that their parents are stupid and all their values are hopelessly shallow or old fashioned. They often say this while living in their parent's house, eating their food, enjoying the heating, using their internet, driving their car etc.

I could’ve written this myself about 15 years ago OP. When I was late 20’s/early 30’s I went through a period of being almost desolate that I would never have a partner and/or children and my life would absolutely be incomplete or “half-lived” as a result.

Like you I have significant and severe life-limiting health conditions that would mean pregnancy would be incredibly high risk not to mention I wouldn’t have the physical capability to be the kind of parent I wanted

My now-husband wasn’t particularly bothered either way re kids and we kind of decided after a major surgery and some scary complications (related to my ongoing health issues) that actually we were better as a pair and that kids definitely weren’t a sensible or viable option.

We have been married now for 12 years, recently bought our first home, we have animals, and are close to his and my parents & siblings. We live in the same village as our close friends (also majority of whom are childfree by choice) so get to spend time surrounded by love and warmth. I have a job I love.

My sibling has kiddos who we see (not that often due to distance) and they’re amazing kids and I love spending time with them, they are just fascinating and clever and funny but my god they’re exhausting 😂 I love them but I definitely couldn’t cope with them full-time!

it was absolutely the right choice for us. And I don’t feel as time has gone on that my life is missing something. I wonder “what if” from time to time but then I look at all that I do have and don’t regret it for a second.

I am sure you will have a happy and fulfilling life regardless of whether or not you have kids. However, if you really want to be a mum please don't assume that your medical conditions should proclude this or that becoming a mum with pre-existing health conditions is thoughtless or selfish.
I have been severely physically disabled since birth. While I have had my challenges, I have enjoyed a rich and full life. I am very happily married with a beautiful baby girl who is our world. Many people probably believe that someone in my position would not be able to adequately care cor a child and, while I do have a lot of support from my wonderful husband, family and friends as there are physical aspects of childcare I strugle with, I like to think I'm generally a goo mum and that, while I might not be able to do some of the things most parents take for granted, I do bring other skills to the table. Our daughter is comin on beautifully and it's a complete joy to watch her growing and learning new things every day. Please don't assume that your health conditions will automatically make parenthood an impossibility. Wishing you all the best for the future, whatever it holds!

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It’s natural when you can’t have something, esp something as life changing as havung children, that you want it even more and more and it can become all consuming.

Part of the problem I think is that we are conditioned from such a young age to think that having a family should be everyone’s sole life goal. As children we generally love our parents and look back at our childhoods nostalgically, which means when you then think of havung your own children you assume it will feel like this nostalgia.

the reality is having children is fucking hard work and requires you to pretty much completely become autonomous to what your child wants / needs for years and years. You will never be free of this person, they will always need you. There are major drawbacks to having children that people don’t talk about and that in your current state of mind you probably wouldn’t accept at the moment. But let me tell you there are amazing ways to live your life without kids. You can throw yourself into hobbies and volunteering interests, you can travel, you have time and space to enjoy your life exactly as you want it without having to compromise to the wants and needs of a child. My house and garden would be beautiful without children 😂. Myself and may partner would have money and freedom to go and have adventures together and see the world. I wouldn’t feel so mentally and physically overwhelmed by the chaos and noise and general needs everyone throws at me all day every day. Etc etc

I love my kids but having had them and experienced motherhood I would say it’s not for everyone, and society generally romanticises it

I understand where you're coming from and it's prob frustrating for you, but it's not impossible. Besides you're more fortunate than many people, including myself. You seem to have a rich social life, job, general life purpose etc. I would focus on that and just take life as it comes. It may happen someday!

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12161015/Woman-108-reveals-secret-long-life-having-dogs-instead-children.html

I’m not trying to diminish your feelings at all but have a look at this.

I’m in my fifties and many of my friends don’t have children (some wanted them and some didn’t) and live really happy, busy lives full of love and connection.

I felt the same way and even after I met my husband and we had years of unsuccessful IVF treatment.

We are happy and satisfied with our lives now. It largely comes down to reframing our expectations of what life should look like and we focused on the things that having children hinder, holidays whenever, extra finances etc. and placed value on the benefits of being child free (it is hard to see them when you’re in the depths of longing though).

Also do not discount that there is a biological shift in your mid 40s that happens without even knowing it. Up until say 42 I was solely focused on having children and completely absorbed by the idea that my life would be miserable without a family. Somehow now at 46, if someone offered me a chance at being pregnant, I’d say no thanks. The idea of being responsible for a little person and the energy that takes loses its appeal as you age and you get used to a way of life you didn’t think was for you, I think of it as mother natures natural defense against older motherhood (this does not discount the fact that there are many women who do not feel this way.)

Also and lastly, when you partner with the right person anything seems possible. There are many men out there who are happily not interested in having children (or who have had children although this comes with a whole new set of challenges). But basically, if you can settle down within a happy relationship, the edge does ease off the maternal pull should you not be able to have children and you are within a committed happy relationship.

I don’t know if I would have coped without either (kids and a husband) so that is probably a tedtalk for someone with that experience.

PS my siblings nephews and my parents would never have been a substitute for my DH. I value what we have over and above those relationships. I think there is a tendency for the single child free person in a family to become everyone’s carer and I was not interested in that. I have also had a desire to live my own fulfilling life without children, not find substitutes for them.

I'm 47, I don't have children. My ex took my child producing days. I wanted them just not with him(long story he was abusive and I vowed never to have children with him but had been both physically and mentally abused to the point I had no confidence left to leave).

I wake up every day thankful that I'm happy and able to enjoy life because it could have been so different. Yes there is always that slight sadness that there are no little Sideshows, I had an amazing childhood and I dreamt of replicating that.

It just wasn't meant to be, instead I'm the fun 'auntie' who does stupid things, has ice cream on freezing cold days, plays on slides and roundabouts, pulls faces, goes clubbing, goes to festivals. There's an immense pride in watching my friend's children grow up and find their way in the world.