AIBU.????

[fairyjenni]

Is my partner ,of 20 years, the father of our 3 children , in the wrong? Or AIBU...

would really appreciate other's opinions as , I feel like im at a loss , ...
He does pretty much whatever he wants. But he is a bit obsessive if I dong answer my fone straight away ...
If I put my feelings across he is very defensive and ( not violent or anything ) ..
And I feel like he trys to twist it ..to make me feel I'm in the wrong ..

Would you think this is gas lighting or coercive?
I don't know because if I say that he twists it again...

I'm not well with a long term illness so I'm at home most the time , ...

Am I wrong , I don't know ..

Would appreciate any opinions as I feel somtimes I'm being unreasonable , even though .. im actually not. , ..
I hope?

Thankyou to anyone reading , xx

💜

Sorry OP that was a bit confusing? Are you saying your partner is annoyed if you don't answer your phone straight away? What does he say? How does he twist things?

Sorry , probably didn't explain properly.....

Yes ,he does get very annoyed if I don't answer my phone straight away, & if he rings a few times & I don't answer he rings my teenage son..

My partner works away alot , sometimes france, Germany , ect ,,
But if I try to call him sometimes when he's away , he doesn't answer..and he doesn't seem to understand that he's away & im home...
( I don't call him to check up on what he doing , if u know what I mean)
Just to c if he ok & say goodnight...
But if I am asleep or phones on silent & I miss call from him , ... he makes out like it's a big drama ,, & im being nasty to him, ..
Which im not, just tired alot as unwell & can't wait up just to see if he calls x

He twists things by saying , im in the wrong if I question anything he say, ..
He can be verbal aggressive, says im a bad mother,
& I should be grateful to him , .. all revolves around money ...
When he try to argue , I try be calm , ..
But then he does things , like...
Take my Phone,
My bank card
Even my tv remote, ...

He doesn't seem to understand when I tell him how that makes me feel ..
& next day he is like sorry , I love you ect ..

But then a few days later it's just repeat..

Sorry I'm waffling, hope that made sense and thankyou for msg bk hun x

Im new to this mumsnet, i did msg you back , thankyou for msging me , I hope u got my msg?

Thankyou hun x

“But then he does things , like...
Take my Phone,
My bank card
Even my tv remote, ...”

Completely unacceptable controlling behaviour

YANBU and he sounds like a controlling angry arsehole.

You are not being unreasonable. He is. Why does he take your bank card and your phone? That is controlling to the point of abuse. There is absolutely no excuse for him to be aggressive towards you.

There’s no possible justification for taking your things. It’s very controlling and completely unacceptable.

He can be verbal aggressive, says im a bad mother,
& I should be grateful to him , .. all revolves around money ...
When he try to argue , I try be calm , ..
But then he does things , like...
Take my Phone,
My bank card
Even my tv remote

He is emotionally abusive, controlling, and financially abusive.

Please contact Women's Aid.

Oh love, he is being horribly abusive and you shouldn't have to live like this! Horrible for your children too 😞

Please contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
for some help and support x

Thankyou for your msg & advice . 😢 I really appreciate you replying x thanku ,, ..I dont know what to do .... it's really hard, & im just so confused & especially, kids, & im unwell .. I just feel a bit ( well alot actually alone & just really upset, )
I do love him & he can be so caring 1 min & switch the next ...

Thankyou for your reply I really appreciate it xx

Thankyou really appreciate your reply & help , I dont know what to do , he is loving , caring...
When he wants to be ,
But it's like as if he flicks a switch if I say something he doesn't like ect ,, im so confused I do love him but he also makes me feel like im guilty of something , when I know I'm not ....
& then , when he calms down he sorry ,, ..
I dont know what to do ?
Thankyou for your reply lovely , really do appreciate your helpb& advice x Thankyou xx

Thankyou for your reply , I really appreciate your help and advice , I dont know what to do ,, ..
I love him & ive done nothing wrong, & he is always sorry and expects me to forget the things he says,/does ...

I just feel , lonely & lost , and he knows that ..
But when he nice .. he's lovely ,, ..
& he seems to hold all the cards regarding money ect , ..
But NOT with my teenage sons ( we have 3 boys ) ...

If they see any argument they always defend me ,, but I dont want them to see that , they shouldn't have to its not fair ,,,

But plz know , he has never ever done anything to them apart from shout ...
If he did i wouldn't stolill be with him.

He is not violent to me ( as in not hit me ,)

A few years ago he grabbed & pushed me & i fell into corner of dining table ,,

Cracked 2 ribs , ..
Docs know this tho as had to go hospital...

Im sorry for waffling...
Thankyou for listening xx & reply xx
Xxxx

What you’re describing here is coercive control. He’s abusing you.

That is serious domestic violence. It doesn’t matter whether he hits you. He was physically aggressive to you and injured you.

You are being seriously abused and controlled by this man. Please call Women’s Aid. This is appalling.

Thankyou , for your msg ,,
However I think I'm going to delete my MN account...
I feel like i can't talk anymore , & i dont want him to know ...
But thankyou and please know , he doesn't hit me or anything, as I said ,,

I dont want him to know ive spoken , but I am fine ,,
Thankyou again... I am OK xx