To think some people feel superior when you share your problems with them?

[SnugShaker]

I’ve noticed that when you open up to certain people about something you’re going through, there’s a subtle shift - like they get a little boost from hearing you’re struggling. Not all, obviously, but some. They suddenly become very calm, very wise, and you can almost sense the internal smugness. It’s like your vulnerability validates their own life choices or makes them feel more in control.

I’m not saying don’t share but I do think it matters who you share with. Is it just me or does anyone else sense this?

Oh definitely, I’ve braved opening up to close friends about my marriage and whilst my friends have been wonderfully supportive and kind, I can sense their relief that it’s not them, they even voice it a bit, as if to assure themselves. I don’t mind, it’s not horrible, it’s just human nature.
it’s like reading a grisly news story and feeling relief it’s not you.

You have some unpleasant people in your life OP, and bafflingly you choose to confide in them

I agree. I don't discuss my personal problems with anyone outside the family. I mean - I might if it's a fairly light-hearted problem, but anything very personal I keep schtumm. If I'm honest (and there's no point lying on an anonymous forum) I don't enjoy hearing about really serious problems from friends. I'm not a counsellor and I find it hard to know how to react or what to suggest if they ask for advice.

Of course, I love my friends and if they want to tell me things, I listen. But I don't relish it as I suspect some people do! I try to support them too. I don't feel it gives me power over them - but there are things I wish I didn't know, such as about my friends' sex lives. I do keep it confidential though. I wouldn't pass on private stuff to others - that's the pits, the thought of personal issues becoming exciting gossip and entertainment.

This is why I stopped being friends with someone. It was very much "I don't understand why you have problems because I don't". She was rather smug that she managed perfectly well whilst dismissing the issues I have

This and another unsympathetic comment was the reason we're no longer friends. She was rather baffled as to why I unfriended her

Yes I do and I consign them to the outer 'acquaintance' circle of my friendship ring.

Goodness you have a bee in your bonnet about this op…. Your last thread was about how *motivational speakers are exhausting; then another about how people should stop pretending they care and then we’ve got how it’s sometimes better to let people carry on thinking what they like about you

something is a bit weird OP as you seem to be surrounded by a lot of people that you don’t really like!

?

If someone gets a boost from hearing you’re struggling, imo it’s because they feel insecure or have struggles themselves and are relieved to know they’re not the only one. So while I can see why it comes across as unpleasant, I also think it’s an admission of vulnerability.

Yes, my mother!

Yes, of course they do.

@SnugShaker yes it’s called schadenfreude. People getting pleasure or self-satisfaction from hearing about the troubles of others. My sister and my mother particularly suffer from this unfortunately.

For sure. I’ve also had the other way where they feel think you’re boasting somehow when you just want to vent