Why is is so hard to get over someone when you know they were a prick?

TheGreatDownandOut · 2025-06-21T10:28:42+00:00

Someone you know was a prick. They treated you horribly. It’s been months but sometimea, like today, I just miss him so much. Or did I miss the things we did together and want that back but with someone who is much nicer to me? Sorry for the self pitying post, it’s just so hard sometimes. I wish I could get him out of my head permanently! Anyone experienced the same? And did you eventually get over it?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 21/06/2025 11:39

It helps to raise your self esteem. When you have high self esteem, you don't miss people who treat you badly.

GaladrielHiggins · 21/06/2025 11:39

You miss what he was at his best, or what you hoped he could be, if he wasn’t being himself. It’s hard, but he would never be what you needed or wanted.

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 11:42

Agree on the self esteem thing. I don’t feel like this every day, perhaps I’m just feeling a little vulnerable today.
I haven’t had any contact with him in 5 weeks - I blocked him in the end after being messed around so much and the constant hot and cold. It was a hard decision to make but I don’t regret it.

And yes I don’t think he was who I thought he was. They’re always so good at the beginning aren’t they? Then eventually the mask drops and you have a selfish angry little prick to contend with and each time you tell yourself it’s just a blip, he will be back to ‘normal’ soon enough before you realise this IS his normal. I’m off men for life now I reckon.

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Binglebong · 21/06/2025 11:46

It is a form of grief. You are mourning the potential, the life you envisioned where he was the one.

5128gap · 21/06/2025 11:56

Because you (wrongly) think you failed. He showed you just enough good times to make you think if you just did this thing or that thing it would be like that all the time. When you couldn't get it to be good all the time, it feels like an unsuccessful uncompleted project. You need to remember, the hot and cold people do it on purpose. They know if they give you the odd taste of good times you'll keep chasing it. It's a horrible cycle to live with the ups and downs, the effort, hope and disappointment. Congratulations on being free.

PinkFlamingoCafe · 21/06/2025 12:03

I think part of it is we don't like to admit to ourselves we were wrong. It's painful and makes us doubt our own judgement, so the brain searches for feelings/experiences that validate our choices rather than disprove them as the wrong one.

Humans hate to admit they are wrong.

Here's a thought experiment, try saying to yourself 'I was wrong about him and who I thought he was'. Then see how quickly the little thought pops up that says 'yes but he wasn't all bad, we had good times and deep down he cared about me'. Its a little defence mechanism that's like trying to push down a rubber duck in water, it keeps trying to pop up.

Work on accepting you were wrong and letting the uncomfortable feeling sit with you for a while. It will then get slowly better as you accept the truth.

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:12

Thank you so much. You’re all very wise.

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Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:13

Binglebong · 21/06/2025 11:46

It is a form of grief. You are mourning the potential, the life you envisioned where he was the one.

Yes it does feel that way. The first 8 months or so I had the best time. So many trips away and laughs and good chats and late nights and trips to the pub and not keeping our hands off each and I thought he was perfect for me. But he doesn’t exist.

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AbzMoz · 21/06/2025 12:14

Be kind to yourself OP
As PPs have said you’re missing the few good times, or the dream of what you thought it was. This isn’t the reality. Your good times/ good person will come

leopardprint17 · 21/06/2025 12:14

Yeah, you get over it 💐

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:15

5128gap · 21/06/2025 11:56

Because you (wrongly) think you failed. He showed you just enough good times to make you think if you just did this thing or that thing it would be like that all the time. When you couldn't get it to be good all the time, it feels like an unsuccessful uncompleted project. You need to remember, the hot and cold people do it on purpose. They know if they give you the odd taste of good times you'll keep chasing it. It's a horrible cycle to live with the ups and downs, the effort, hope and disappointment. Congratulations on being free.

I agree. They even say that they’re not doing it on purpose. The last conversations we had he was all “I won’t come anywhere near you until I am fairly certain I wont hurt you again” and I believed him. I thought he was being gallant. Telling me had feelings for me but cared too much about me to hurt me again and then he went cold again. He definitely has a lot of issues.

This was over a 6 week period after not seeing him or speaking to him for 4 months. I was so strong to not contact him that whole time and then he walked back in to my life and set me right back again. I feel
like I hate him. I hope I at least dented his ego when he realised i had blocked him.

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RedBeech · 21/06/2025 12:16

You miss having the relationship you kidded yourself you had with him. You want to sneak back in rather than do the difficult, essential work of developing self esteem.

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:16

PinkFlamingoCafe · 21/06/2025 12:03

I think part of it is we don't like to admit to ourselves we were wrong. It's painful and makes us doubt our own judgement, so the brain searches for feelings/experiences that validate our choices rather than disprove them as the wrong one.

Humans hate to admit they are wrong.

Here's a thought experiment, try saying to yourself 'I was wrong about him and who I thought he was'. Then see how quickly the little thought pops up that says 'yes but he wasn't all bad, we had good times and deep down he cared about me'. Its a little defence mechanism that's like trying to push down a rubber duck in water, it keeps trying to pop up.

Work on accepting you were wrong and letting the uncomfortable feeling sit with you for a while. It will then get slowly better as you accept the truth.

Edited

I will say this out loud. I think that’s more powerful than thinking it. And I will try to remember all the horrible things he said and did over the course of our relationship. I think I need to feel hatred for him right now so that I don’t hate myself.

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MorrisZapp · 21/06/2025 12:17

I think MN often takes the view 'how can you love/fancy someone so horrible?' as if that's how love and attraction always work. My DP is a nice guy but I've broken my heart over plenty of utter idiots in the past. I really fancied them, I really wanted it to work. At my age now I'd tell them to fuck off at the first hint of poor behavior but I've come a long way.

Be kind to yourself and don't drunk text him. Move forwards, not back.

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:19

RedBeech · 21/06/2025 12:16

You miss having the relationship you kidded yourself you had with him. You want to sneak back in rather than do the difficult, essential work of developing self esteem.

I’ve worked so hard on improving my self esteem - especially over the last few years - and I thought I was doing well. No more negative self talk - absolutely none at all when my head used to be full of it. I like myself now. But it’s the realisation that I obviously haven’t done enough work otherwise I wouldn’t have let him do this to me.

It took a lot of courage to block him, though. I am proud of myself for that. I had to as I knew I would jump again the next time he clicked his fingers.

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hazelowens · 21/06/2025 12:21

I haven't been with my ex husband for nearly 11 years and I am in a loving great relationship and there are times when I still miss my ex and he cheated on me and made me out to be mad and I attempted to unalive myself because of lies he told our son. I was with him since I was 19 so I think because I grew up with him my brain will never forget him and it's bloody annoying

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:21

MorrisZapp · 21/06/2025 12:17

I think MN often takes the view 'how can you love/fancy someone so horrible?' as if that's how love and attraction always work. My DP is a nice guy but I've broken my heart over plenty of utter idiots in the past. I really fancied them, I really wanted it to work. At my age now I'd tell them to fuck off at the first hint of poor behavior but I've come a long way.

Be kind to yourself and don't drunk text him. Move forwards, not back.

In my head, drunk texting isn’t even an option because I think he’ll be pretty angry that I blocked him - if I was to cave and text him now I am fairly certain i would get a round of fucks and I couldn’t cope with that at the moment.

We have a lot of mutual friends and I have managed to not mention his name to any of them. They don’t know we were back in touch (unless he told any of them and they’re all tactful enough to not ask me about it) so I can’t even be tempted to talk about him. Which is a good thing for the most part, but then it feels pretty lonely when I have a day like today.

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ItsMutinyontheBunty · 21/06/2025 14:03

I missed XH for a long time. I’d spent many years going the man I fell in love with would come back. It had been lovely in the early days (now in hindsight, I recognise the red flags). It was months later before I realised that man had never existed and was never coming back. He couldn’t be arsed to pretend any more.
I saw a video recently that said ‘No-one will love you exactly as you want to be loved. It’s your job to do that.’ So do that for yourself. Buy yourself flowers, pamper yourself. You’ll get over him in time if you just keep saying that man never really existed and love yourself the way you want to be loved. Life will get better.

RedBeech · 21/06/2025 17:35

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 12:16

I will say this out loud. I think that’s more powerful than thinking it. And I will try to remember all the horrible things he said and did over the course of our relationship. I think I need to feel hatred for him right now so that I don’t hate myself.

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This is a good idea.

You could also try 'I really don't like or respect people who say I am... {putdowns he aimed at you}'

And 'I have no time for people who... {things he did that made you feel bad or sad or worthless}.'

This has the double effect of helping you lose respect for him and raising your awareness against similar behaviour in men you meet in the future.

Original poster

TheGreatDownandOut · 21/06/2025 18:21

RedBeech · 21/06/2025 17:35

This is a good idea.

You could also try 'I really don't like or respect people who say I am... {putdowns he aimed at you}'

And 'I have no time for people who... {things he did that made you feel bad or sad or worthless}.'

This has the double effect of helping you lose respect for him and raising your awareness against similar behaviour in men you meet in the future.

Show quote history

Thank you, I will try these too.

One thing I kept saying to myself while I was plucking up the courage to block him was “anyone who makes me feel like this needs to get in the bin, without exception”

It helped me to stop overthinking it. You go round and round in circles don’t you?

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