I’ve been married to my DH for 5 years, together 7. No children. it feels like I’m about to give a lot of unnecessary backstory but to me it feels relevant.
Relationship hasn’t been perfect, but we generally get on well most of the time, however, I definitely pull more weight in the relationship, particularly with life admin, keeping the house nice etc as well as managing money because DH has never been particularly responsible with it.
He has a genetic condition which causes some learning difficulties/cognitive issues and is almost certainly neurodivergent but undiagnosed and does seem to struggle with organising things, or just doesn’t seem to think or notice when certain things need doing, and was like this when he lived alone so it isn’t just a case of him knowing I’ll do it if he doesn’t.
So I generally don’t mind taking responsibility for things that he may find more challenging.
That said, I struggle with social anxiety and he tends to do the things I find more challenging like picking stuff up from shops or bringing the cats to the vets etc.
So as much as it’s definitely not ‘equal’ I’m mostly happy with how we do things.
i do however make a massive effort for him in a lot of ways, like making a big deal of his birthday and things like that which he loves. He doesn’t make much effort for mine, but then I don’t really celebrate so I don’t mind and it’s hard to know if he’s not making effort because he doesn’t want to, or if he’s actually respecting that I wouldn’t want the fuss.
i make an effort to be present, and take an interest in his hobbies etc
But he doesn’t reciprocate this at all. For instance, I love football. He doesn’t, so he isn’t interested in hearing me talk about it. Thought I’ll happy listen to him waffle for hours about things I couldn’t care less about, because they matter to him.
To be honest, I’ve always assumed the inability to show interest is to do with his condition because he’s the same with everyone. So again, I don’t tend to take it to heart.
i massively struggle with social occasions, particularly those that involve eating. So there have been some family occasions, parties, birthday meals and things that I have missed due to the anxiety.
But there’s been just as many that I’ve gone to, for him, despite hating every second of it.
Tomorrow, I will be taking a fairly lengthy trip, which I’m dreading, but it isn’t optional. It’s for something which is extremely important to me that I’ve been working towards for years.
im allowed to bring one guests and he always talked about how he’d come with me when it happened.
When I got the date, about a month ago, for a couple of days he seemed excited, and was sitting with me looking at hotels etc
But then told me he thought I should go alone because his mum wasn’t well.
His mum isn’t well, but she hasn’t been well for years, she can sometimes become unwell quickly, and was in hospital at the time
so I accepted him not wanting to come.
That being said, last year she was in a much worse state (she wasn’t expected to survive) and we were due to go on holiday, and he wanted to still go
So as much as I sympathise and worry about his mum too, it just didn’t feel like the real reason.
A few days later she recovered and got hone, so I checked with him before booking, but no, he still didn’t want to come. But this time had a different reason, saying he’d be too tired due to a medical treatment today.
Hes definitely gone out and done things after the same treatment before
But I accepted it, and arranged to go with a friend.
Last night he told me he’s arranged to also go out with a friend tomorrow, so I queried him being too tired and he said he’d be fine, and he just didn’t want to go on the trip.
AIBU,
Firstky, to be annoyed at him making excuses and using his mums health instead of just saying he didn’t want to come.
But secondly, to be hurt that I do my absolute best to be there and support him, to go to thing I will hate,
Bur he isn’t willing to do the same for me.