To be upset and annoyed friends husband has read our messages?

[Fliss89]

My best friend was messaging me one day complaining about her husbands lack of respect for her, this is frequent, it’s a bit of a toxic relationship and he is often selfish. I was agreeing with her in the messages and called him selfish and disrespectful. They had a blazing row the following evening where he grabbed her phone and read our messages and god knows what else, he refused to hand her his phone. He absolutely hit the roof over our conversation and now hates me apparently.
I feel a bit violated, yes I was saying some not so good things about him which can’t of been nice to read, however nothing less than the truth he deserves. What if I had been messaging about something personal and very private though? I feel like I can’t message her now as I don’t know who’s reading it.
Friend has tried to squash it with him but unsuccessfully and is now slightly defending him, I offered to message him to which she said yes but now I think what for? What am I apologising for exactly? He should never have gone through her phone. I’m upset as I know this is going to affect our friendship and our children are friends too.
Aibu to not message him apologising?

Don't message him anything. But I would only discuss him with your friend face to face in future. He sounds controlling and possibly abusive. Who cares if he doesn't like you? If she only wants to moan about him but do nothing more, perhaps withdraw yourself from the situation a bit.

Don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want someone else to see.

Be there for your friend when she needs you but she sounds as if she's using you a little bit as someone to bounce all her frustration about her crap relationship on.

If he grabbed the phone, that's not her fault

I doubt she really thinks that was OK. probably under pressure from him

Suggest you cut her some slack but don't message in future, if you care what he thinks (you may not)

Take a step back from both of them, she started the conversation, he grabbed her phone, now she's defending him in what could be an abusive relationship. Don't message either of them and if she starts talking about him again just don't get involved.

I believe it's your poor friend who should feel violated. If you were speaking the truth, just stand by it. Her escaping a volatile relationship is the most important thing.

Don’t message apologising, but also in future just don’t pass opinion on partners- even if you are agreeing. They kiss & make up and you end up being the bad guy!

What a horrible situation for your friend to be in, I hope she manages to free herself from him one day soon.

From experience:

Try to be neutral in messages to your friend, instead of “Wow, he is so selfish!” Reply with “do you want to call me about it? Or “I can understand why you are upset by that”

It can be really messy and hard to navigate when your friend is in a toxic relationship, it can cause you anxiety as well. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first and put boundaries in with your friend if she will not leave him. “I no longer feel comfortable discussing this over text but if you’re free tomorrow for coffee we can chat” or “call me at 8pm tonight when he is out”

I personally wouldn’t apologise to him, but I would tell your friend you are there to support her but it is hard as she comes to you about similar things regularly and you do not want to be the bad guy if you reply back. The last thing you want is to be in the middle, I’ll never forget my friend making me feel like I was in the wrong for agreeing with her or disliking him. Erm excuse me? You’re the one who tells me horrendous things about him all the time!

THIS

If shes now defending him then id back off from the both of them.
Youve done nothing wrong

I agree with you OP. It isn’t just what you said about him though I am sure that there would be other messages in the conversation going back to when you have said personal things that aren’t even related to him or their marriage.

my DH used to read my texts only I didn’t know. It was only when I got a text about an appointment time change that I hadn’t told him about that I realized/ discovered it. I was mortified. Not because of anything I had said but the thought of him reading about things that were private to my friends.

I wouldn’t send any more messages to her of a private nature as clearly he is dodgy but I don’t think you are in the wrong.

If you message via WhatsApp you can use the disappearing message option. Don’t apologise. You did nothing wrong. Don’t message him at all. Just support your friend if she needs it if you feel you can

Don't message him. I'd back off from her as no doubt you'll be the scapegoat in their row now. Sorry, I know you probably don't like hearing that but it's probably true. I might say something like 'look I'm not apologising but if there's ever a time you need me I'll be here' and then never mention her husband again, assuming you can still be friends with each other. I wouldn't expect you can, honestly.

Never take sides on relationships.
My db's ex was /is horrible but all through their marriage I kept neutral.

I have this with a friend who allows her children access to her phone! I was horrified when DD came home knowing something private from me that she learned via friend’s DD. I won’t say anything personal or private to her via her phone and I’m even wary in person now.

On WhatsApp you can set messages to delete after the person has read it. You could do that from now on

This is a strange reaction OP. When I read the title I thought you were referring to a situation where she'd shown her husband your private messages, or he'd snooped. In those cases yes, I'd feel violated. But in this case he forcibly snatched her phone from her - that is abusive behaviour and not her fault. I would focus on supporting her (yes, even if she's trying to defend him, which is a sad but familiar pattern of abusive relationships) rather than blaming her or centreing my feelings.