Distressed by family court paperwork

[rjb26]

I’m so upset and I’ve got no one to speak to. I’m really isolated at the moment for various reasons.

My relationship ended when I was pregnant. My ex has been physically, emotionally and financially abusive. He’s been absolutely horrible.

He's not on the birth certificate, despite me offering. He hasn’t bothered much with contact and would go months without seeing our child who is now 3. I stopped contact last year altogether (as in I blocked him) because of his abuse. Prior to this I did actually try and be reasonable and asked if we could do mediation or get some sort of proper agreement because having him float in and out and also be abusive towards me wasn’t working.

Now I’ve had a bundle of court documents. My ex is alleging he is the victim of domestic abuse and that I am the perpetrator.

His allegations-
I was emotionally abusive and made everything his fault (this isn’t true and it was me constantly saying sorry and being manipulated)
I hit him during sex (we had rough sex sometimes and both did occasionally give each other slaps on the bottom, spit on each other, he would pull my hair etc. I believed this was all consensual)
That I trapped him into pregnancy to financially exploit him (again, not true)

He's accused me of being a neglectful parent as well.

I left him and he’s left me to raise our child alone. I just feel incredibly distressed by the allegations which aren't true. I don’t want to go through this process, I can’t cope.

This is incredibly common, it's called DARVO.

Please get in touch with your local domestic abuse charity or women's aid for advice how to go forward.

Perpetrators do this all the time and you need help and support to deal with it.

I am so sorry

Has anyone else raised any concerns about your ability to care for your child? Your ex suddenly have concerns when he was happy to leave the child with you till now won't carry much weight.

This sounds like a nasty tactic designed to make you wobble.

Can you get some legal advice?

Yes DARVO makes sense. It just feels absolutely horrible.

And no, no one has ever raised concerns. I actually work in safeguarding myself (I know this doesn’t make me immune to being a neglectful parent or abuser!). But my children are all happy and really well cared for, I’m a professional person, we have a nice home, they have everything they need and more and they are my world.

I had involvement from early help actually, due to his abuse. No concerns whatsoever in fact I was told I was a great parent and they were just there to support me in getting away from him basically.

Contact
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/

Contact CMS, he can pay if he can do all this.
Go through all messages and screenshot everything you can that supports your case that you tried to support contact, add him to the birth certificate or anything else.
This is very common. I was also accused on being the abuser, of trapping him, etc.
Follow Legally Nik on instagram, I have found her very helpful.
Loads of great advice on here so keep posting.
Don't communicate with him unless in writing. If he shows up then call the police. If child is at nursery then please share the concerns about dad just in case.
Feel for you, it isn't easy.

What is the court action for?

What does he want?

Get some support. Women's aid. Gather any evidence you have of what he did to you.

I'm so sorry. It's so stressful.

It is DARVO.

It doesn’t say exactly what he is asking for. To go on the birth certificate, CAO but not stating what contact, a prohibited steps order as well.

Bump

I'm so sorry, that must be horrible and upsetting to read, even when you know it's all bullshit. Try and stay calm - the courts will have seen this all before and know that people often make false allegations in these circumstances. If you have evidence (such as early help involvement - reports/correspondence for instance) gather these together now. Do not under any circumstances have contact with him in any way. Start making a narrative document describing your relationship, the abuse, any witnesses and the breakdown of your relationship. Also cover all your attempts to put in place regular contact for your child and his unreliability and abusive behaviour. Good luck OP and remember, you need to stay calm and rise above his ridiculous accusations.

I would suggest, but could be wrong, that a profited steps order is saying you aren't caring for the child correctly. He's trying to paint you out as a bad mother and seeing as he is following the usual playbook, he will probably go for more time than you.
Remember, you have been the only carer your child has known. The court would have to find significant issues with your parenting to change that now. If your little one goes to nursery CAFCASS will speak to them. They won't see neglect or anything, they are an impartial third party so it works in your favour.
Your role is to gather evidence as to why he is/would be difficult to coparent wjth. High conflict, abusive messages, not child focused. Show cafcass all of this. Focus on how that affects the child- pick up on the tension, whst they may witness, inconsistent contact, taken all this time to go on the birth certificate why not sooner..etc.

That's great you have early help on side Hope they can help you now x

What prohibited steps order does he want?

Tbh I would offer to have him on the bc if you think this would avoid court and there's not a risk of him abducting child. If there is this risk then wait for courts and ask for prohibited steps order to stop him taking children not on his day, your holiday time and right to travel abroad protected, stating the child lives with you.

Tbh even if the things he said were true it wouldn't matter to the children now who are established being cared for by you so is irrelevant really - he probably said this to try to secure free legal support

Ps my ex also said I was neglectful. It hurts so much but you have to deny this and say it is a comment intended to cause distress and conflict and inflame the situation and the children are safe and well in your care and he knows this.

It's projection.

Do a SAR right now to early help. Those records will help you and they won’t give anything to court unless the judge orders it and the judge probably won’t. Do a SAR to anyone who may have records that will support your argument of DV. I didn’t get this done in time and I discovered that no one from a professional body would go on record without the judge ordering it

accuse him of the DV. You will then have a fact finding hearing where the judge will decide the truth of it.

the sex stuff is irrelevant. Judge in my case immidiately threw my accusation of rape out because it wasn’t relevant to the child’s safety. Fucking joke. Accuse him back (truthfully don’t lie) and let the judge make his decision. Don’t say you were thought and thought it was consensual just say you never did anything to ex that wasn’t consensual.

het the book family court without a lawyer by Lucy reed. It explains family court and how to navigate it. It’s a brilliant book.

don’t be sacred. He won’t get custody unless he can proove you are abusive parent/neglectful. Which he cannot do. He won’t get 50/50 without a very slow build up- and you fight this all the way. He’s had 3 years to take you to court and not done so this will work in your favour. You can show you tried to meditate and make a plan. and you were prepared to allow contact you just wanted a plan so he wasn’t abusing you? That will be the benefit of a court order! My ex used to be so controlling and used contact to be abusive. Once we had the court order he lost all his power and I just responded we will follow the court order. Then grey rock to all his attempts to get a reaction. Didn’t take him long to start missing more contact than he won. I’m now safe and not scared of my ex taking me back to court even though he threatens because if he does I just argue he doesn’t use the contact he has now and needs to show commitment to that before it’s increased- in the best interests of the child (always always argue from what is best for the child).

imsist the court order leaves nothing to be agreed between parties. It’s quite common for Christmas and birthdays to be left for parent to agree- argue that special dates like this need setting out in the court order as arguments between parents not best for the child. I managed to get no extra time because birthdays and Christmas just happened to fall on ex weekends for a couple years following our court fight so just gave him those days to avoid having to agree between us. My ex then cancelled every single one of those contacts anyway the fucking wanker. I had to pull Christmas out my arse with a days notice but I ended up with Christmas. Because it’s never about seeing the kids it’s about hurting the mum so don’t let him see it hurts you that is absolutely essential.

you could spend thousands fighting. Abusers often use court to financially abuse their victims. So read the book I recommend and if you understand it represent yourself. I found solicitor was a waste of money. And my ex kept sending them letters that I then got charged for solicitor to read etc. I gave up on the solicitor and self represented fairly quickly. I’d say a barrister for the fact finding and final hearing were worth the money because fact finding is fuvking hell you don’t want to do that alone.

depending what your SARS come back with I’d say argue for supervised contact in a contact centre at ex expense. Not supervised by you. Or no contact. Expect to loose but fight it anyway so you can love with yourself when your child askes you why you make them go. Judge may also rule in your favour. I’ve seen others say as soon as they agreed so some contact that was used against them to show they were not concerned for child safety with ex so be wary of that. It will depend on the judge but comprising is a gamble especially if you have proof of abuse.

stay strong. Come on here and get support and hand holds as needed. I found other women online were such amazing support when I went through this. Women are amazing and full of compassion so use us.

Some great advice from @Burntt .

Prohibited steps is to stop you doing something. Like moving away or moving child's school.

I would agree that solicitors are a money pit.

You can pay for direct access barristers and not have solicitors, but I do think they're useful for some stuff if you can afford it.

If you can proove his abuse of you, you may get legal aid. I never managed it but the law on coercive control had only just come in and the solicitors I spoke to just didn't do legal aid. I feel now that I had bad advice.

Even the solicitor that took me through things wasn't brilliant and we spent a fortune (my parents helped me).

Just remember though, he's trying to hurt you. Solicitors letters have no power really. Just because he asks for something, does not mean he'll get it. The letters I got from my ex were disgusting. Unbelievable that a solicitor sent them to be honest.

After all the stress I went through, my life has been every other weekend and 3 hours after school per week. He never did half the holidays. He's cancelled so so many times. Teenage ds isn't that fussed about seeing him.

Exh tried to threaten me with court recently against because DS isn't wanting to go much. I laughed in his face and said our son is 14! Good luck. He has his own voice now.

Oh and like pp said, I kept a diary of all contact. I showed it to the judge and proved he didn't turn up or was late for at least half his existing contact so it wasn't increased.

The prohibited steps order is something about he believes I have changed the child’s surname? I don’t know where that’s come from as I haven’t, have never suggested it. A lot of the paperwork just seems like he’s pulling stuff out of thin air with no substance. Thanks for all the advice; it’s so stressful.

He sounds like an idiot.

If he's not on the birth certificate, he doesn't have parental responsibility?

If the child's name hasn't changed he will just look like an arse in court

And I know how upsetting it is. Truly. It won't always be this hard. You'll get through. Take it a day at a time.