Lost all interest in work after mat leave

[YellowGigi889]

I have an 11 month old daughter, my first. I had to return to work at 6 months (I don't live in the UK, we actually only get 12 weeks here but I had accrued lots of holiday and got some unpaid leave approved). I had no choice but to return. Between sleep regressions and pumping, the first 3 months were...hell. Actual hell. We're on the other side of it now, have stopped pumping. Work were surprisingly understanding at first but not so much now. I am severely underperforming. I can't get anything done. It's not even anxiety or a loss of confidence. It's laziness. Complete lack of motivation. I just sit there and do just enough to get by.

I'm so incredibly exhausted and I regret not resigning and staying home longer. It's not just the baby, pregnancy was awful so it's an accumulation of tiredness I think.

Baby still wakes once or twice a night so I'm not quite getting a full night sleep but I should be able to function on 5/6 hours but somehow can't.

I don't know what I want from this post. I need some kind of reset. Life is pretty relentless though, I don't know how to get that. I've had the odd day out with friends, a spa day, a dinner out.

I keep reading how mothers are more efficient and motivated when they return to work but I am the complete opposite.

I'm not depressed or sad. I love my baby, she's really fun. DH is ok. Not always the most helpful, but lately he's stepped up more and our relationship is good.

Also I should have mentioned that pre- pregnancy, I was very ambitious and one of the higher performing members of the team. I was all about promotions etc. So this is a complete 180 for me.

I don’t think it is that unusual to have a new perspective at work after dc. I know some people derive a lot of their identity through their work but for the majority of people it’s just a way to pay the bills. I find my work interesting and I work at a decent pace, don’t make other people pick up my slack or anything. But, I wouldn’t work if I didn’t have to. It’s not what gets me up in the morning. I would just accept how you’re feeling. It could be that your interest in your work is renewed when you’re a bit less tired, or maybe not and that’s fine.

You might be better off resigning, taking a career break and then returning to work when you’re more inclined.

It’s not fair on work colleagues and not beneficial to your work record and future progress to leave under a cloud. I’ve been on both sides of the fence - returning from mat leave myself and trying to support those returning.

Some worked through successfully. Others took career breaks but returned and progressed their careers later. Both are valid options.

What isn’t an option is poor performance and hope no one notices. They do notice and the fall out is awful for everyone.

I felt like this after I had the DC. I was so ambitious pre-kids and I felt like Motherhood eroded all that ambition, I still showed up and did my job to the best of my ability but I felt like I didn't really care about career progression, and couldn't imagine wanting to go for promotions or volunteer for any extra CPD or anything like that. I thought about quitting and becoming a SAHM. I am SO glad I didn't because my ambition came back! With hindsight I think I was just exhausted. Once my kids were a bit older, more independent and sleeping well I felt totally different about work. Now I have a job I'm really passionate about, its a leadership role but allows me a good work/life balance and I wouldn't be in this position right now if I'd taken a few years out when the kids were little. Maybe I'd still have gotten here eventually, I don't know, but it definitely would have put me at a disadvantage.

Instead of giving up working altogether could you look for a less demanding role where not as much is expected from you and you won't be impacting your co-workers?

I would also feel completely unmotivated if I had to return to work at 6 months post partum when I didn't want to.

Could you look at what else is out there that would give you more interest/less pressure/fewer hours?

I went back to work 18 months ago when my baby turned 1. I also didn't want to be there, but financially had no option. I went back 3 days which is more tolerable than working full time.

A few thoughts;

-have you had your bloods checked recently in case it's a thyroid issue (very common after pregnancy)? Or iron, vitamin D or B deficiencies? All these things may contribute to the exhaustion and lack of motivation?
-why are you getting up every night? Can't you and your husband take it in turns each night? So at least every other night you get a full nights sleep

This.

OP I could’ve written your post 15 years ago.

I went back to work when my baby was 1 year and it was hell. I couldn’t perform and felt stressed that I wasn’t good at my job or a good mum and my boss having a go at me. I resigned and I ended up choosing to be a SAHM for many years and loved it. It was SUCH a relief to focus on the baby and then have my second child. is this an option for you OP?

I’m now in a very senior position (so being a SAHM didnt affect my career) and have supported mat returners and some excel and others drown and perform poorly and I have to say it’s a relief when those that struggle leave.

It’s a valid choice whichever you chose and completely understandable to have priorities change once you have a child.

You do need to be giving 100% both to your baby and career. And if you can’t do that then you need to reassess or you will be miserable, your work and careers will suffer and so will family life.

best of luck with whatever you decide

I have just returned. 2 weeks into a new job which is very senior. I am soooo unbelievably exhausted. Like I cannot concentrate. I just feel sleep deprived and I am not. My girl sleeps tbrough the night. She is 11 months. How did you resolve this?

@alis20 so things massively improved at 12 months on the dot when baby decided to just sleep through the night. I couldn't believe it. Once I got THREE nights of sleep in a row, I was a different person and it made such an enormous difference. We still get the odd bad night but I can deal with that as I don't have 11 months of sleep deprivation behind me. I'm also exercising and going out. DH is really pulling his weight now, I think we were both just struggling a lot.

I became able to be good at my job again.

I still can't put the hours I used to but it's going really well.

Mentally, work has become more of a paycheck than my actual life so there is definitely a shift. But in a way it's a good thing.

Also, in hindsight going back at 6 months was what really ruined me. I know plenty of women do it and even love it but I am not one of them. My baby still needed me, I needed the time to recover etc. We are going to try for a second baby soon and DH and I have decided I will resign once I'm around 5-6 months pregnant and I will take an actual year off, maybe even 18 months. I'm not going back this early again.