Co-parent getting child up 3 hours before school

[Gardengirl47]

My stbx spends their weekends at their new partners which is a 2.5 hour drive away from the area with both live in. The Sundays he has our 13 year old he will stay over and get her up at 5am so they can drive back home before school starts at 8:30. I have noticed that tonight (Thursday) he has done the same again when our daughter is back at school in the morning. I know it is down to him to be responsible for her welfare when it is his time, however is it unreasonable to ask him not to spend the night before school so far away. Our daughter’s school attendance has dropped, she is often tired when I get her after school on the early start dates and falls asleep by 6pm. The issue I’m having is that he is narcissistic so any criticism is met with spite and I fear he will force me to sell the flu as we are still trying to agree finances for our divorce.

How does she feel about it?

Does he have a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or is he just abusive or mean?

I don’t believe he’s had a formal diagnosis, getting counselling is not something he’s interest in doing, however going through therapy it’s a topic I’ve been reading up on a lot due to the behaviours he displays.

Does she want to go when it means her getting up so early?

I think you need to empower your dad to speak up for what she wants and feels.
In an ideal world you would do this for her but he’s not going to listen to you is he?

At 13 this is probably between her and her dad. Do you think she feels she can’t say anything to him about it because of what he’s like?

She’s 13 so surely if she doesn’t want to go to her dads because she doesn’t want to get up at 5am, and I’d agree with her, then she just won’t go?

If she doesnt want to go to her dads, then dont make her go, even if it went to court the court would side with her as shes old enough to decide. 5.30 start with a 2 hour drive before school is ridiculous.

Unfortunately I work shifts so when I’m on nights she has to go to her dad’s. I have tried approaching the topic with her but she doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m not sure if it’s because she doesn’t mind going or because she doesn’t want to feel like she’s taking one side over the other.

I think it’s fine if she’s been there all weekend then gets up at 5am on a Monday morning but driving there after school on a Thursday then back on a Friday morning is ridiculous.

Im not sure there’s anything you can do about it though if you can’t have her at your house because you work shifts. Has she spoken to him about it?

Or because she already knows from you that she doesn't have any choice about it because you work shifts, so there's no point in talking about it unless you've already got a daytime working pattern sorted?

This isn't really how it works unfortunately. If you want DD with you, then you arrange care even if you're working. If she's with her dad then it's up to him what happens. It's a bit harsh to ask her what she wants, when you aren't planning to do anythinf about it.

A 5.30 start isn't ideal, I've never liked them for work. They are normal for some people though, and not harmful. There is a question about whether she can do homework and revision to make good use of the time. If she just sings songs or chats with dad, or naps, that's all fine too. You really do need to think of other options before you raise this though.

Of course it’s unreasonable for your DD to do that journey. Ask your DH reasonably. If he refuses, you’ll have to change your work pattern.

She probably sleeps on the journey