Page 2 | To have a baby at 40?

Yellowsunflowery · 2025-06-19T14:14:32+00:00

I have a 12 yo dc and really want another baby. For years dh said no but now he’s saying maybe. 12 yo would be over the moon because they’ve always wanted a sibling, I just feel so old. That’s it really. If I’m honest feel ancient. I’m a lot fatter than when I had my only dc and I’m worried that will get worse if I go for another baby. I’m 40 next year and feel like is this the last minute hormonal surge for a baby or is it genuinely me still wanting a baby. i have wanted another for years and now I finally have the go ahead I’m pausing for thought.

GFBurger · 19/06/2025 16:32

It’s OK to have a baby at 40 of course, but you are back into the game heavily paying for childcare etc while maybe paying/saving for further education for your eldest.

However a decent question might be… Would you be happy if you didn’t have a baby now?

Lavenderkitty · 19/06/2025 16:33

Why not! If you are lucky enough to get pregnant, I would say go for it!

neverbeenskiing · 19/06/2025 16:50

I'm the same age as you OP and I wouldn't do it, personally.

I found the toddler/pre-school years exhausting (even in my early 30's!) so have no desire to combine that relentlessness with trying to support a Year 11 child through their GCSE's.
Also, at that stage of life I'd want to prioritise saving for driving lessons and university for my existing DC rather than going back to paying Nursery fees.

Regardless of age, I would strongly caution anyone against having a baby with a man who is on the fence about it.

Lettuceleafy · 19/06/2025 16:51

You’re not too old, it all depends how much you want another baby. Good luck whatever you decide.

Maray1967 · 19/06/2025 16:54

dragonfliesanddandelions · 19/06/2025 15:48

Regardless of age, my advice to anyone would be to only have a baby if you absolutely definitely want one.

As for your child being ok with it, do they actually want to have a baby around? Or do they just like the idea of having a sibling? There's an 8 year gap between my brother and me and we had very little to do with each other as kids. He left home to go to university when I was 10. We only became close when we reconnected as adults. I don't feel we shared a childhood in the way my children (3 year gap) do.

This will be a huge change for the whole family. I think you all need to be 100% sure about it. And it doesn't sound as though you are...

I had DS2 at 40 and also have an 8 year gap - but my two get on well and I’ve never regretted keeping on trying for a second. We managed fine with the age gap, although I agree that they don’t really share childhood.

I agree that you need to be clear that you do want a second now. I was clear - and I’ve never regretted it, but I’m sure I wouldn’t have gone for it if only DH had wanted another.

cosietea · 19/06/2025 16:55

Is it just the thought of another baby or the whole child? The next 18 + years and future support in to adulthood. I remember getting a twang around 40 for a baby but really it was a reaction to my 2 children becoming teenagers and it quickly passed. I’m very glad now that I didn’t. I get to do loads of stuff with them that just would be so much more difficult with a baby. I’m also loving the extra ‘ freedom’ this age brings and the ability to move up in my career without it impacting them. All not possible with a new baby. But my life maybe very different to yours, only you really know the strength of your relationship and future you’d like

80smonster · 19/06/2025 17:08

It’s a big fat NO from me. Obviously I can only speak for my own ovaries.

Needadvice2974 · 19/06/2025 17:13

I think it depends how happy you are with life as it is now
I'm 40 but have 2 kids, teenagers. There is no way in a million years i would want another now, because we are coming out of the other side. Not only would I not want the sleepless nights, but I wouldn't want to do another 18 years of school runs etc.
There is also the increased risk of health problems. Plus for me personally I have health problems too.
My friend who is same age as me has a young child and is having another now, she's still in the thick of it and is healthy enough but I dont envy her!!

tootitoot · 19/06/2025 17:21

WhistleBlower8 · 19/06/2025 15:21

I wouldn't personally as I believe 40 is far too old for a baby, the risks of miscarriage, stillbirth and birth defects/developmental issues for the child are so high.
Also no teenager wants a parent in their 50s.

But it's your choice. No one else's opinion should matter, do what works for your family and what you and your DH want.

What rubbish I had older parents and they are amazing and I love them to bits, couldn’t care less how old they are. They’re also amazing grandparents to the baby I had in my 40s who has none of the above.

Cheese55 · 19/06/2025 17:25

WhistleBlower8 · 19/06/2025 15:21

I wouldn't personally as I believe 40 is far too old for a baby, the risks of miscarriage, stillbirth and birth defects/developmental issues for the child are so high.
Also no teenager wants a parent in their 50s.

But it's your choice. No one else's opinion should matter, do what works for your family and what you and your DH want.

You do know you can check for any developmental delays such as Downs etc and make a decision at that point?. What do you think happened before contraception? Women had healthy babies right through their 40's

Original poster

Yellowsunflowery · 19/06/2025 23:48

these replies are useful. My mum was older when she had me and I hated it but I suppose it is more common to have a baby older now.

I do worry about any health side effects. Maybe I’m not quite there after all. I have wanted a baby in my head all this time and now I feel slightly deflated that we may finally be able to go for another now. I found it all easy when I was younger and I’m worried I won’t find it so easy now. I’m definitely not as fit and healthy as I was when I had my 12yo.

OP posts:

GretaGreen · 19/06/2025 23:59

It's a personal thing. I wouldn't. I'm almost 40, we got a puppy a few years ago and the broken sleep nearly killed me. I just was not able and I'm fit and work out multiple times a week. I had my kids in my 20s and sailed through the night feeds, I had so much more energy, wasn't knackered at all with 2 under 2 despite eating worse and exercising far less than I do now.

Maybe try setting your alarm to go off multiple times in the night for a few weeks straight and see how enthusiastic you feel about it afterwards. You might fair better than me but I am done, no more babies for me. Next stop is dh and I enjoying our time with just the two of us.

Ponoka7 · 20/06/2025 00:03

It's your fitness that you need to focus on. My Mum had me, by accident at 40. My Dad was 42. Both really fit. My Dad had a heart condition related to his job and there wasn't the treatments around then, so died (1985) when I was 16. My Mum lived until she was 86. She worked as a lolly pop woman until 79. She couldn't cope with retirement. She was active until the last three years, but her health was affected by smoking. Coincidentally, my sister is 13 years older than me. We only started to mix during covid. She'd left for Uni at 18. As said only have one if you really want all that comes with children. School life takes a lot these days. I'm my DD's childcare and I couldn't have managed working, the menopause and a 8-13 year old. I'm near 60 and me and my peer group are starting to feel our age, but that wouldn't be an issue with a 20 year old, who was independent. My youngest is autistic and has only been fully independent the last three years. Although she still needs a bit of support. There's been times when I've been absolutely knackered. Also how old is your DP and is he keeping himself healthy? Will you have elderly parents needing help?

Darklight1 · 01/08/2025 22:41

I’m 43 and I wish I’d tried for another sooner. Relationship breakdown just meant it didn’t work for me. Your child will benefit from having a sibling so much

ThreeCooks · 01/08/2025 22:48

Go for it

echt · 01/08/2025 23:16

I had my only child at 40 so missed out on the "not as much energy as back in the days" comparisons, and I was fit and healthy as was my DH.

Also, and it's not a stealth boast, we were financially comfortable and childcare was reasonable back then too. It obviously makes a difference as we had no family support - too far away. It meant we could chuck money at issues, e.g. au pairs.
All of this no doubt had an impact on any possible feelings of it all being a bit much.

Forgot to say DH more than pulled his weight in the relationship.

I've never had any complaints about from DD about having older parents.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2025 16:09

I would if you want one, but spend three months trying to eat healthily and build up your core strength and do weights to build up some upper body strength first please or you'll wreck your back

Cinai · 02/08/2025 16:18

Whether or not you want to get back to the baby stage is something only you can decide, but all this ‘40 year olds can’t physically cope’ is silly in my opinion. I’m 42 with a 10-months old and I don’t feel physically unable to cope with him. Of course I’m sometimes tired when we have a rough night, but I also was tired in my 20s when I didn’t get good sleep. I’m fitter now than I was before pregnancy because baby and I usually go in the park for some exercise and running in the mornings, it’s all very doable.

Darklight1 · 02/08/2025 18:11

Cinai · 02/08/2025 16:18

Whether or not you want to get back to the baby stage is something only you can decide, but all this ‘40 year olds can’t physically cope’ is silly in my opinion. I’m 42 with a 10-months old and I don’t feel physically unable to cope with him. Of course I’m sometimes tired when we have a rough night, but I also was tired in my 20s when I didn’t get good sleep. I’m fitter now than I was before pregnancy because baby and I usually go in the park for some exercise and running in the mornings, it’s all very doable.

Exactly. I think maybe if you’re unfit or over a certain BMI it would be exhausting. Maybe I’m optimistic though.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 02/08/2025 21:05

I had DD at 40, but I’d had DS at 37, so it was less of a lifestyle change.

Regardless of my age, I’d be reluctant to go back to the whole baby days again after 12 years.

Elle771 · 02/08/2025 21:06

WhistleBlower8 · 19/06/2025 15:21

I wouldn't personally as I believe 40 is far too old for a baby, the risks of miscarriage, stillbirth and birth defects/developmental issues for the child are so high.
Also no teenager wants a parent in their 50s.

But it's your choice. No one else's opinion should matter, do what works for your family and what you and your DH want.

Fucking hell 😅😅🙈🙈

Katemax82 · 02/08/2025 21:08

I had my 4th baby at 42. Hes 5 months old now. Unplanned but very much adored

youalright · 02/08/2025 21:18

It depends what you want from life in 4 years you could be going on adult only holidays with your husband travel the world go on dates and be free or you could be just starting 12 years of school runs I know what id prefer but where all different

Firefly1987 · 02/08/2025 21:20

Is DH a similar age? If so I don't think it's too old. Definitely depends on your energy levels tho. My mum was 41 when I was born and was very fit-it was no issue for her at all. I'm 37 and think no way could I do it! But I'm very unfit.

Good point posters are making about not having a shared childhood-I basically grew up as an only child with my siblings being much older- which had it's advantages and disadvantages!