Controlling and unreasonable: I don't think its me!

[smellycoat]

I do the vast bulk of the housework so think I should choose where household items are kept.
I had not been able to find the drain wizard for some time (not in its usual place), but this morning OH went to his bathroom cupboard and took it out to clean the plughole in the other bathroom which was going slow.
I exclaimed, ''So it was you that had hidden it'', and asked him to put it back in the drain cleaning box as I had thought it was lost. He said ''No. As he liked having it handy to clean our bathroom plughole''.

So we had a row, with me accusing him of moving things from their proper place stored with similar items, and eventually I suggested he had his own personal drain wizard which he could keep where he liked, and I would order another for the drain cleaning utility box.

I felt he should thank me for finding a compromise that suited us both but he would not. Just said he would not complain about further but he thought I was too controlling, probably had a personality disorder.

Whenever we try and improve the house, and the order kept in our house, which is constantly extremely untidy and falling apart, there is something that does not suit him about the plans. We end up aborting the plan and are the laughing stock of all. I have tried letting him make all the decisions, choose architects etc., but they never think up anything that suits him. He just pushes it on the back burner, and gets on with his day job which he loves

It gets me down.

Any suggestions to help me cope mentally please.

I think you sound ridiculous, it's definitely you if this is real

Sounds to me as if this is nothing to do with drain wizard OP.

I think you are correct. Everything should live in its proper place, peace and harmony can then be restored 😊

Wth is a drain wizard 😆

But there has to be some compromise too as the "proper place" for 1 person will not necessarily be the proper place for another........... in which case, having become apparent, have 2 places and 2 items = harmonious household.
No rows necessary. 😉

You are the 'laughing stock of all'?? Seriously?

But yes, yabu. He wanted to keep it in a perfectly legitimate place so there was no reason why you should get your own way. As for you wanting him to thank you for thinking of a compromise?! Wtf?

Im just like you. I like everything to have it's place. However, sometimes things get moved. Its not something to have an argument about!

He is very unkind and to say you've probably got a personality disorder because you like things to have a home so they're quickly found when needed. who doesn't

Your dh was an arse about moving it/not saying in the first place. The argument is on both of you but it’s easy for these things to escalate. You solved the issue, he shouldn’t need to thank you as neither of you were particularly wrong. He was a total dick with his comments. He needs to apologise to you.

To be fair to your husband, I like to keep bathroom cleaning stuff in the bathrooms, and dislike it when my cleaner takes it all downstairs to one place with the other cleaning stuff (which is in the kitchen).

So I’m a bit team DH here!

But yes he was a total dick in his comments and sounds very frustrating to live with

I’m OCD to the max about cleanliness and tidiness, but a “drain cleaning box”?

Do you have a “furniture polishing box”?

I see your point & it would/does wind me up. DH tends to do this. However in the overall scheme of things when you have bigger issues to deal with it becomes a minor irritant.

Doesn't stop us from having rows/heated discussions about when he's moved/hidden the sink plunger or something though 😂

I thought this.

I have cleaning stuff for kitchen & main rooms (talking polishes, brass, silver, furniture, polish, bleach etc) under the kitchen sink, bathroom cleaning stuff (including plunger) in a cupboard in bathroom.

The idea of having boxes for specific jobs sounds far too complicated. Does OP have a 'child vomit box' a 'Ribena on the carpet' box? Where on Earth does she have the space for all these individual boxes? She obviously has much more space than the average house.

If you want this relationship to go the distance and you want to enjoy being in it, and avoid wasting your precious lives fighting, then you need to learn the difference between things that are worth arguing over and things that aren't. Because, once he'd explained, you could have just ordered another one for 'the right place' and happily both got on with your days. By making a big fuss telling him you were going to do that you caused it to escalate into an unpleasant situation. His lack of satisfaction with home improvements and procrastination over that are a different issue that you may need to address. But if you want him to be receptive to that bigger stuff, you need to know when not to make a drama over the little things.

Oh dear. Are you me OP? If anyone I know read this, they would think it was me. I've also tried just following everything without complaint. You want your scourers there but mine have to put under the sink, fine. Unfortunately the issues over architects, builders etc is busting my head. I just want a nice, comfy (dry!) home I can be proud to show others, like everyone else has 😕😕. Sorry, no advice, just commiseration.

This

DH contently picks complains about me moving his things, but it's not worth getting heated about otherwise we'd be divorced by now.

I have a 'thing' about shutting down the kitchen at the end of the evening, Clearing & cleaning counters, filling kettle & putting our cups for our tea/coffee for next morning, cleaning sink, giving dog fresh water etc. Generally leaving everything clean & tidy ready for the morning.

DH likes to leave his chargers etc lying around on the counters even those not in use. I move them to their designated home (unless something is charging) - mine in my bedside drawers, his in his bedside drawers.

We have constant 'spats' about DH asking where's the charger for my shaver/toothbrush/phone/iPad etc. He will say that he left it in the kitchen. I will say that I know that & it's neatly rolled up in it's loo roll inner, clearly marked in his bedside drawer. He asks why I moved it, I say because it was cluttering up the kitchen counters. He says that when it was in the kitchen he knew where it was. I say it's where it's home is in your bedside drawer & you know where it is. It only gets worse with the number of rechargeable items that he acquires.

Don't get me started about his 'open plan wardrobe' AKA a char where he drapes his clothes rather than putting them away in the bedroom

Such is the life of a couple who've been married for more than 40 years. 😂

I couldn't live with you.

"Your place" isn't necessarily the right place or the handy place. Why are you the boss?

Adult life is about compromise. You should try it more. It's also such a minor that that I don't understand anyone getting that bothered about it.

Yoyr DH sounds like an awkward fucker that only thinks about himself and his views and convenience. He obviously should put back cleaning things where they go, especially if he doesn’t do very much of the cleaning. To not do so is to cause the person who actually does the the job hassle and delay. If he wanted drain cleaner somewhere else he should have bought another one or at the very least informed the person who bought the cleaner and generally cleans.the drains that he had done so.

It may seem trivial but it actually demonstrates a complete lack of consideration and respect for the person you live with….and who does most of the cleaning of the space he lives in. As evidenced by his confrontational response when called out. And the fact that he seems “it’s my way or the highway” on other issues like getting work done on the house.

And it also seems like if he experiences a problem he then just does nothing, doesn’t think about how to deal with it, just stops. An awful character trait that will leave you stuck and unable to move your lives forward.

Absolutely infuriating behaviour OP. Not surprised you are pulling your hair out. If you can’t get anywhere by talking to him, I think you need counselling, and if he won’t to that consider moving on. I couldn’t live like that.