Gap year house guest, what boundaries?

[Quietlifedreamer]

This is my first post on here so I’m not sure if I’m doing it right. I’m not very a very confident person about whether my feelings are right or wrong.
My husband works abroad. His cousin’s daughter has asked to stay for 10 days. I have a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I only met this girl once when she was very little. She arrived very late last night (midnight) I’m hoping I’ve made her feel welcome, flowers by her bed etc. I asked her not to bring her boyfriend (who I’ve never met and is being hosted by his relatives) to stay the night but she arrived with him and I felt I had to offer for him to stay as it was 1am at this point. They then had noisy enough sex for me to hear which I don’t mean to be prude-y about but it was pretty uncomfortable and I was worried about my kids hearing. I then didn’t sleep well, beating myself up because I worried that I’d been a bad mum letting a young man stay in my house where my children are when I don’t know him. But then I thought, am I being ridiculous to worry, he’s a teenage boy, (I think they are both 19). They didn’t get up in the morning, my children went to school and I had to head out. So I messaged her to say that I hope they slept well, but that from now on I’d prefer him not to sleep here. Now I’m worried I’ve been unreasonable.
She took a while to reply but sent a nice message saying she understood. They’d left the house by the time I got home and she messaged saying she wasn’t sure what time she’d be home. It’s now midnight and while I totally get that at that age you don’t want constraints, I feel a bit vulnerable not knowing when she’ll be back. I know that sounds weird.
what do you all think are reasonable ground rules to set. I have ME and it’s really bad at the moment, I can’t afford to lose sleep every night.
I’m totally prepared to be told I’m over thinking or I’m being unreasonable. I just want to feel confident on how to handle the next few days.
thank you for taking the time to read my rambling message x

She’s utterly taking the piss. I’m not sure what I’d do but when you next see her I’d say you need to know if she is staying out all night and if she’s going to be late you’d appreciate an approximate time. Feel free to set a curfew if you want because you are not a fucking B&B. She can fuck off if it’s a problem.

I would feel responsible for a 19 year old under my roof. It is quite inconsiderate that she did check house rules with you.
I suggest you implement a curfew and a few other rules, if she can stay with her boyfriend sometimes that might be better.
Your priority is the children in the house so do t feel bad. A family home is not casual accommodation and needs to be respected.

She set the tone by tipping up with her boyfriend. She gives no shits and is not in the least grateful. I’m assuming you live somewhere enticing like London or Edinburgh?

I'd tell your husband, and get him to book her an Airbnb out of his own personal funds, not family money.

I think you might be asking the wrong question.
The real question shouldn't be, "Am I being unreasonable in not wanting the boyfriend here?"
The real question should be, "Am I being unreasonable in being angry that my teen houseguest ignored my very specific request not to bring a houseguest of her own"?
You know the answer: No. It's reasonable to be angry when any houseguest ignores a specific request.
So the ultimate question isn't "AIBU" at all. It a matter of how you're going to confront it, by expressing annoyance at being ignored, by clarifying that you invited one guest but not two, by pointing out that at her age she is not going to be allowed to gallivant as she pleases, or whatever. I'd avoid pinpointing the sex. Then you have to think ahead to: If she keeps ignoring you, will you send her home?

These responses are so helpful, thank you. Just so I give her a fair trial, I should clarify that she travelled from abroad last night and that’s why she got here late at night. What I would have appreciated from her was a message warning me that her boyfriend had met her at the station and helped her carry her bags to mine, and that he had a way to get home and wasn’t expecting to stay the night. It was my bad that I was weak and offered for him to stay but I felt bad sending him off when I didn’t know how he was getting back to his accommodation, he’s being hosted about 20 minutes drive away. I’m being a bit vague about locations because I feel bad posting about her and would hate for her to come across it. She has just messaged me to say she’s not coming here tonight, she’s going back to stay the night with him,
I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me work out what is reasonable. Thank you!

She was totally disrespectful turning up with her boyfriend at sucks late hour. As for having to hear them.having noisy sex! No-one on. I would tell her - it could be heard through our the house and you don't want it hear.

Tell her she let you know when she is coming back, or if she is staying out, so you are not half awake worried. I agree with the above poster - a family home is not casual accommodation.

She shouldn’t have brought her boyfriend with her if you’d said previously you didn’t want him staying.

I don’t think you can reasonably tell an adult she can’t stay out late, though. She isn’t a child. She’s a grown woman. I don’t really get why anyone would ‘feel responsible’ for a fellow adult.

Does she have a key to your house? ie do you have to wait up for her to let her in?

are you happy she will lock the door or do you feel you have to wait up for that sort of thing?

I would wait up for her tonight and set a time with her tomorrow for a chat - frame it as you haven’t managed to speak yet but there’s a few house rules she needs to know about given she’s staying quite a few days so you want to go through that with her before she goes out.

then you’ve set the tone for anything you want to say, such as no overnight guests, how to lock up/ put lights off, here’s the washing machine, here’s what you can take from the fridge and what you can’t and by the way here are my kids, nice for you to meet your hosts etc. if she’s surprised by any of this suggest she books a hotel instead as it’s not normal to treat someone’s house in this way, family or not.

ETA now seen your update. Glad you can go to bed! It is good she let you know she won’t be back tonight. And to be fair you did offer a bed to the bf though he should have declined. Set a time for a chat with her though so you can work out between you what she should be doing. I’d assess if she’s pleasant and grateful too, as she might be very easy as a guest who just comes and goes and creates no demands. If she’s entitled and grabby you might want something different to happen.

at her age she is not going to be allowed to gallivant as she pleases

‘At her age’?!

She is an adult. She absolutely can gallivant as she pleases. ‘Allowed’ doesn’t even come into it.

The OP can set rules for guests if she wants to, but the fact that her guest is 19 is neither here nor there. She isn’t a child.

My cousin (from NZ) did this to DM when I was a young teenager. DM read her the riot act and Cousin decided the free bed and board was worth not taking the piss.

Sit her down and lay out some ground rules - you have children in the house, so she has a reasonable curfew, no overnight guests, and she picks up after herself. Or she can find accommodation elsewhere, where she can do whatever she wants without waking up young kids on a school night.

She's a teen, and the invitation was courtesy of her parent.

Was it your understanding that she’ll just be using you as a free hotel, or were you expecting to host her as a guest, take her out a bit, have dinner with her etc.?

Because it sounds like she probably has the free hotel idea in mind and really just wants a vacation with her boyfriend. If you’re happy with that (and its just fine not to be), then I think a deadline for letting you know when to expect her back (to text you by, say 10:30 pm, or whatever time you will definitely be up until anyway) and to keep noise to a minimum between whatever hours suit). Then let her get on with it. Maybe offer a Sunday lunch for her and boyfriend at the weekend as a token gesture towards the family connection.

If you were expecting to be more of a host and are not happy with being a hotel, I think you need to make that very clear asap. Tell her what you have planned, maybe ask her boyfriend along too, and tell her where and when she needs to be.

Of course you feel responsible. You have been asked accommodate a young person from abroad who has presumably just left school and is between having reached adulthood and actually behaving like an adult. A late arrival time should have been pre warned but that is past. Given that you have work and your children have school, a polite curfew is reasonable. Maybe 11 pm but no clattering about in the kitchen or running a bath. If she is not returning for the night I suggest she lets you know by 9 pm so that you can have an early night, bath or watch a film.

With regard to meals, good manners are for you to know whether she will be in time for dinner or do you a leave a plate of food to reheat.

Perhaps you should also check her leaving date.

I have an annex and have been caught out all too often by extra/uninvited people who arrive with someone who has asked to stay. It generally indicates that they push boundaries and are not as appreciative as they might be. I find it difficult and am better at stating boundaries than I was.

Ok the dust has settled. I think you’re right to attribute the first 24/36 hours to settling. Now over breakfast or dinner just lay out your expectations.